Because I'm Worth It

Over the last few weeks I've been noticing more and more that I put myself down.

I got invited to an event and the organiser replied to my emailed RSVP saying she was looking forward to seeing me and would save me a space in the front row. I thought "she doesn't mean it." about the looking forward to seeing me part, assuming she was just being polite. Then got part way through emailing her that I'd rather sit at the back in case my wheelchair blocked other people's view before I realised that was stupid and deleted it unsent.

An acquaintance said my blogs were really funny and I was a good writer. I should have just said thank you. I didn't believe them though so I was dismissive "oh it's nothing."

I was asked for my opinion on a project - option A or option B. I said what I thought and followed it up with "sorry, that's probably no help whatsoever."

My journalism tutor told me I'm doing well and am on track to pass the course. "You can't say that yet."

Recently a friend wrote on my facebook wall that he'd been wanting to call and congratulate me on a finished writing project (a group one that several people contributed to and I put together) but he assumed I was too busy to take his call. That made me laugh. It wasn't something to be congratulated on. It was just something I'd done. I commented back that he'd made me laugh. And he asked "why do you never believe me?"

Yeah. That made me stop.

I do put myself down often. I don't believe compliments I'm given. And I belittle my achievements.

It's crap. And I annoy myself each and every time I catch myself doing it.  I think (I hope) I'm probably more aware of my negative self talk since my friend called me out on it.

I would never talk to anyone else the way I talk to myself. I wouldn't ask for their opinion and then say it was "no help at all." And if someone else had told me I couldn't sit at the front in case my wheelchair blocked the view I'd have gone apeshit at them because it's not OK to talk to me like that.

So why do I act like it's OK to say those things to myself?

I'm now trying harder to catch myself before I say or think these things about myself but it's really hard.  They slip out before I can help myself much more often than I'd like.

But I do need to stop putting myself down and start believing in what others tell me.  My journalism tutor said I'm doing well because she's marked my work and knows I'm doing well. Same for being on track to pass.  The compliments about my blog being funny are because it made the reader laugh.  They aren't being polite, kind, or nice and it's not because they see my wheelchair and feel sorry for me.

It's because they believe it and  think I'm worth it and it's true. I need to keep repeating that even though it sounds silly to me until I believe it.

Because I AM worth it.

*L'oreal style hair swish*