Sunday, 22 May 2016

The Big D

After talking last time about my anxieties, this week I wanted to talk you through my recent journey through Depression.

First of all, I wanted to say that Depression is sneaky. It's one of the worst things about the illness because you may not realise you are depressed, or be more depressed than you first understood.

This is essentially what happened to me, twice.

As a bit of context, I've suffered with Depression on and off since I was a teenager. I don't really know when it started, I just know it was there. And it could stay for months before finally leaving me and letting me get on with my life again.

So I thought I was
  1. Able to know when it was about to strike
  2. Capable of dealing with it when it did.
Turns out, I was not.

Depression snuck up on me in a way I wasn't even aware it was possible it could do.

But I thought I was aware. And that is the biggest problem. It started with an inability to read, and then a lack of motivation to blog. So I took a step back, did what I had to, to let my brain work through it. The way I always did. A bit of self-care. A bit of looking after myself and making myself finally feel better.

And so I got my reading and motivation back and I was certain that I was fine again. Back to my normal.

I was wrong.

This was my Depression lying and hiding from me.

On New Years, I suddenly worked out that I had not cried for months. Many things had happened in those months when I should have cried. When my emotions should have come tearing out of me but I realised that instead I had just brushed everything off. I thought I was being strong about everything. I wasn't. I then realised that as well as not being upset about things, my happiness never stayed for very long either. After I felt happy, I felt numb. The joy of happiness wasn't sticking behind to make my life feel better.

So I realised I was Depressed. And I decided that I would work on getting better. And I did. And I felt better. I felt happy and sad at times. I was on the road to recovery, I was sure of it.

And then I started Citalopram.

And now I know that I was still Depressed. It was still lying and hiding from me. I was feeling emotions but I wasn't feeling emotions. They weren't coming from deep inside of me, they were just there to hide what was actually going on in my brain.

I've now been on the antidepressants for over two months, I am finally aware that I am now getting better. I am now officially on the road to recovery.

I know this because;
  1. People have told me I look and am acting better
  2. I am getting on top of my workload and to-do lists
  3. I feel happy, sad, angry, annoyed, irritated, excited, passionate, etc. And understanding that I haven't felt this range of emotions for a very long time.
  4. I am just aware that I feel different; that everything is different.
Depression is not nice. It sucks you in an makes you feel nothing. You feel numb and empty. And people who have never experienced it may never understand what that feels like. It is also more dangerous than people realise because it can hide even from the person who has it. And if it hides long enough, it becomes harder to deal with. 

So I just wanted to post my journey to show you that Depression isn't just feeling sad. That people with Depression can be happy, but it's just a different kind of happy, a happiness that you may not really be able to tell is different until the Depression goes away.

For me, the light has returned to my eyes. I am a stronger person again. I am a happier person again. And I am so very glad for this.


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No judgment, no hate, because it is already tough enough being a girl.