Sunday, 16 October 2016

What Is Love? (Baby Don't Hurt Me)

I haven’t really got the right work/life balance yet.

So I apologise for my tardiness and shall strive to become slightly less rubbish at getting posts up on time.

Anyway, aside from my inability to juggle everything effectively there’s one thing that has been on my mind lately. And that’s love.

I went to see Bridget Jones on Friday evening with a few friends and I found myself crying at the end of the film; not through sadness but genuine, heart-pounding, stomach-spinning happiness. If you haven’t seen the film yet then I don’t want to spoil it but it doesn’t give anything away if I mention that Bridget gets her Happy Ever After.

Since then I’ve been thinking about the whole notion of love and happy-ever-afters and getting myself thoroughly stressed out by the whole thing.

I don’t believe that there’s one person out there for us all; I think it’s naïve to believe we can only ever find one other person on the entire planet who is meant for us. But I also believe that true love isn’t easy to come by. In my twenty three years I’ve been lucky enough to be in love twice. People often say ‘how can you love more than one person?’ ‘what is love anyway?’ ‘how do you know you’ve ever been in love?’

Tricky questions but the beauty of love is that it’s completely subjective to the person who is feeling it. The love I’ve had for two of my partners wasn’t the same. I loved them fiercely but in different ways because they were different people. During both relationships I was content and confident enough to know that I would happily spend the rest of my life with them by my side. (It wasn’t to be, I’m great at getting dumped but still the sentiment remains that when you know, you know.)

Sometimes love isn’t meant to last, sometimes it’s fleeting and beautiful and you have to make the most of it. But I’ve got to an age where I want to find something long term and settle down and find my forever person who I can grow old with. People scoff when I say I feel like I’m running out of time to find someone. ‘You’re only 23’ ‘you’re so young’ etc but age doesn’t matter. When you feel like you’re ready to settle down, you’re ready, whatever age you are.

When my relationship broke up earlier this year I was left in a sort of blind panic about my future. I, stupidly, was convinced that I’d found my forever person already and that I’d never have to worry about first dates again or worry about finding someone who could deal with my weirdness. And suddenly to find myself single with the prospect of having to one day get back into the dating game made me feel completely nauseous. 

I’m slowly feeling less terrified about the whole thing but I still don’t feel like I’m ready to let someone into my life again in that way. And that’s the inner turmoil in my head right now. I want to settle down and find someone but at the same time I’m scared of letting someone into my life again in case they too walk out.

And watching Bridget Jones made me think that everything happens for a reason; what’s meant to be will be. Perhaps I have to stop worrying and stressing about my love life, perhaps the moment I least expect it is the moment I’ll find my future husband. *crosses fingers* Or perhaps I just need to remind myself I’m 23 and I have plenty of time to settle down.

There’s so much pressure from other people my age who are getting married and having kids and it scares me knowing that my own parents were already married by my age. It feels like there’s a timer ticking down to the moment when it’s too late for me to find my happy ever after but I mean, if Bridget Jones can find her happy ending then I can, right?!

There’s so much emphasis on love and relationships in the modern world and you can’t go a day without seeing something that makes your heart sink a little when you realise you don’t have anyone to cuddle up to at night or talk to about your day or snuggle and watch a film with. I love being single and the freedom that comes with it but there are always moments in my day that I wish I could share with someone, or text them about and it’s always nice to know you have someone waiting with a hug for you at the end of the day.



But I'm not the only twenty-something panicking about never settling down and being destined for the life of a crazy cat lady, right?! 



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No judgment, no hate, because it is already tough enough being a girl.