Friday, 16 June 2017

A Year Later...

This time last year, more or less, I officially came out of the closet and so today to celebrate #Pride2017, I wanted to write a little something about how my life has changed and not changed since I posted this post last year.

For the most part, nothing much has changed - as it shouldn't. I still have good friends. I still go to work. I am, essentially, still me.

But also, there has been quite a lot that has changed. Mostly for the better too! Yay!

The one thing that I can definitely say with absolute certainty is that I do not regret coming out last year.

In The Past Year:

The Good:
  • I have felt more comfortable in my skin. Knowing who I am inside and why I am the way I am has really helped to make me feel more comfortable on the outside. I may live in a society obsessed with sex but I am not and that is totally okay.
  • I find it easier to talk about my asexuality with other people - including strangers and work colleagues! Recently I've brought it up to a few of my new colleagues just casually in conversation and if they already know about it they let it slide but I did have one person ask and she was totally cool with my response. I educated someone about it which was fantastic!
  • I find it is easier to ask if conversations about sex could not happen around me. Not that I dislike talk about it but sometimes just thinking about my friends having sex makes me feel a bit uncomfortable! - Sorry guys!
  • There are a few more fun in jokes with my friends which makes me feel more included and happy - which is never a bad thing.
  • When I got so little judgement, it made me feel safe and happy. My sexuality is my sexuality and at the end of the day, if it doesn't affect your way of life, why should you judge? 
  • I've been trying to read and watch more books and shows with good ace rep. I've not been hugely successful yet but hopefully one day!

The Bad:
  • I still sometimes feel like there is something wrong with me. Why don't I want to have sex? Should I just do it to get it over with? I know these are mostly silly thoughts but society doesn't always make it easy to be "different".
  • I still struggle to see myself in a relationship with anyone because I am overly anxious about the sex side of things. I don't want to force someone to not have sex but I would also want someone to be faithful to me so how would that ever work?
  • I have recently been thinking about being a teenager and remembering that I used to want to be a nun because even though I was an atheist, I knew that as a nun it would be socially acceptable not to have sex. I still don't think it's truly socially acceptable and that hurts inside.
  • While I have come out to the internet, my friends and colleagues, I have yet to be able to face my family with the news. As far as I can tell, they just wouldn't understand and just assume I hadn't found the right person yet or that I would feel differently once I'd had sex. And I just don't want to feel so disheartened by those who are that close to me.

So it's been a rocky year but I'm hoping that those bad points will, at some point in the future, disappear entirely. 

The one thing that has not changed and will never change is that I am PROUD to be an ASEXUAL.


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No judgment, no hate, because it is already tough enough being a girl.