Once upon a time a girl looked into a mirror and was satisfied with the reflection that shone back at her. She had defining face shapes, no double chin and while she was curvy, she was just the *right* size. Exactly where she wanted to be and she did not care if other people thought she should lose weight because she was happy and she loved every single aspect of her body.
Then one day she returned to that mirror and she did not recognise the reflection. But worse of all, she hated it.
Girls. This is my story.
I used to love my body. I was large but I was proud. I was fit and active and strong. My spirit reflected out of the mirror and it was incredible. Sure, I had bad days but I felt so secure and happy with the view that I went and bought dresses. An item of clothing I had vetoed wearing as a teenager because I did not find them to be suitable, wanting instead to hide my garish body that no one should see.
And now I am back to that place. Back to buying overly bulky clothing to hide everything. To crossing my arms across my chest to try and feel smaller and take up less space than I know I already do. Of hating to have her photo taken so the world sees just how large and bulky and ugly she really is.
I know what changed. I got ill. I lost my fitness. And I ate my feelings.
My energy lowered and lowered and cooking for myself became too hard so I gorged instead on takeaways and microwaveable meals and now I am at a place that I hate. Because I can not look into a mirror and feel pride in my appearance. But the more I look, the more I hate; the more I eat.
And I don’t know how to stop.
I still have no energy so I know that too much exercise will destroy me. But I cannot stop eating because I don’t know what will be left of me if I do. Shouldn’t I still love my body even though it is larger now?
Society has drummed it into us that skinny is pretty and I have always thought back against that stereotype. I think larger girls are beautiful. I admire them so much. Curves are wonderful and brilliant and I would not change that for the world. And I used to love my own. But I seem to have lost that feeling. It's almost as though societies views on larger women has been drilled back into my brain again.
I am once again wishing more than ever that I could be a different person, that I could live in a different skin. And it is depressing me more than anything because I want to love my body. I know there is nothing wrong with my size. I know I am loved. I know I have more qualities to my personality than just who I am in the mirror but for right now, that just doesn't seem to be enough for me.
I just… I’m at a loss and I thought the best thing to do would be to share with you my thoughts and feelings so maybe you could help me bring the love back?