A few weeks ago, Laura wrote about how she had begun counting calories as a means of losing weight. I was
really interested in this piece as calorie counting has often been employed by
me so that I can try and lose weight or at least maintain a healthy weight.
However, since the beginning of May, I have neither weighed myself nor actively
counted calories.
“I am an eater of numbers. I prefer packaged foods, foods with a bar code, because they make the math simpler in counting calories and that gives me a sense of peace. It’s just an illusion of control, really, but that illusion is everything.” – Melissa Broder
As someone who has very polarised
views, as well as being wholehearted and putting my all into everything I
commit to, I could probably rightly claim to have an addictive personality.
This clearly has its downsides. If I’m trying not to worry about what I’m
eating, I might eat too much and put on weight in a short period of time. The
biggest problems for me come If I’m intent on losing weight, however.
I will weigh myself daily and count every
calorie that enters my mouth. I become obsessive. I have been in tears if the
final meal of the day puts me seven calories over my recommended daily
allowance. I will avoid any packaging that shows food that contains a large
portion of a particular food group. I will spend ages in front of a supermarket
chiller, trying to find the lowest calorie sandwich. If, after all this
deliberating, I have still put on weight, I will reduce my intake the next day.
My meals, in those moments, have become about numbers instead of nourishment.
I’ve been overweight and in that
period of time, I really didn’t like the way I looked. I was desperate to look
like I thought I was supposed to, forgetting that at 5 foot 10, I’m unlikely to
ever be a size 6. I was appalled at myself and yet, even then, I knew that
losing weight wouldn’t change the way I saw myself. Alas, now within the
healthy range again, I still dislike what I look like. I’m learning that weight
doesn’t equate with happiness.
So what does this mean for me?
I want to be healthy. This
is so that, as Laura said, I reduce the risk of disease later in life and my
body works well. I want to be eating a
balanced meal, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t have the occasional cake
or a tub of pick ‘n’ mix if I feel like it. I want to treat myself respectfully and this means both not
overeating, but also not under-eating as well. Food is meant to nourish us and
give us the energy to live our lives. I
want to know that I have the capability to do what I want to do, without
being hindered by myself. I want to be
happy because who I am is enough, whether that person fits into a smaller
pair of jeans or has a little bit of flesh overhanging.
The more I practise eating in a
way that allows me to keep fit and still enjoy food, the easier I hope it will
become. I think I will gradually continue to adjust to what works for me in
terms of portion sizes and the food I eat, but I don’t want weighing or
numerical values to be a part of that. Having my happiness decided on by
something as changeable as a digit means my mood and my self-worth are likely
to be all over the place and we all know that’s not helpful.
I'm excited to try and find a place where food isn't another addiction for me. I’ll let you know how I get on in
the months ahead!
