A Rambly Ramble

So, I did some things.

(Sorry for not posting two weeks ago btw, I was having an internet break because the internet can start to take over your life and it’s bad so yeah)

That interview I told you about? Didn’t get the job. DAGNABBIT. And, here’s the worst part: I CAME SECOND. I would have got the job if one person didn’t have more experience than me. Sighhhhh

But I have had another interview and I went to Primark by myself and I went the post office and library by myself and I walked 40 minutes home by myself and I AM STILL ALIVE. Cool eh?

Turns out going outside doesn’t always = death.

Don’t get me wrong, going outside still = PANIC in my mind. But it’s turning into manageable panic. And I’m starting to remember what it’s like to be in love with life again. Instead of walking down the street and panicking that the sky is going to fall down, YES THIS IS A LEGIT FEAR OK THANKS, I can walk down the road and listen to the birds and smile at other people walking past.

And I think this is what I always forget: I will never ever get rid of my anxiety.

Never. I have to live with it. BUT what I can do is learn to live with it and manage it in a way that makes ‘normal’ things more doable for someone like me. Going to the post office wasn’t massively straight forward, I had to turn around halfway there, calm myself down and then walk back again. 

BUT I DID IT. And I didn’t give up like I would have before.

Where am I going with this post? I’m not really sure.

I guess recently I’ve just realised that my anxiety doesn’t have to take over my life. It’s so hard when you’re in this dark pit of anxiety to think that there’s ever going to be a day when you won’t panic and even though I’ve managed to deal with it before…it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with it again.

But I’m doing it for ME. And I’m actually starting to like myself again. Whenever I achieve something I want to high five myself in the face SO HARD and celebrate how kick ass I am. Because mate, I posted a parcel all by myself today and that’s awesome. AND I had to wait in a queue for eight minutes (YES I COUNTED THE MINUTES ON THE CLOCK) and I hate queues and I hate people being behind me in queues and I feel trapped and the ceiling was low BUT I DID IT OK. 

I don’t think there’s ever going to be a day when I can say I AM NOT AN ANXIOUS PERSON. But, I feel like in the near future there will be a day when I can say I AM AN ANXIOUS PERSON BUT I AM ALSO A FUCTIONING HUMAN BEING WHO CAN DO LIFE STUFF.

And that’s gonna be an awesome day.

I might have a job, I might not. (Don’t ask – long story) but basically the job I was interviewed for might not actually be a job they can offer at the moment so it’s a case of ‘this is not a no, it’s a don’t know and we’ll let you know ASAP.'

SO CROSS YO FINGERS FOR ME.

Maaaaan I can’t wait to earn money again and feel like I have some ounce of worth. And it may be the little things but if I have a job then I can buy CHRISTMAS PYJAMAS AND CHRISTMAS BEDDING AND DO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING AND YAY. The thought of getting into a snuggly bed with new Christmas sheets and Christmas pyjamas and a big snowy candle and fairy lights and a book makes me want to die with happiness.

If I can do that by the end of this year then basically YES TO 2016.

The moral of this post: you a bad ass bitch and you can do whatever you want. Don’t let anyone or anything say differently. 

Sorry, I just love cats. 

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One Step At A Time

So you all read this post, right? Where I explained how my entire life has recently been turned upside down and I had to go from being really active to barely able to walk for five minutes without dying. It's been tough. Emotionally and physically for me. There have been times when I've wanted to just give up on trying to be better and just stay in bed all day. Times when I've felt guilty for not being able to walk up the stairs and having to take the lift, guilty for asking someone I'm with if we could slow down or stop because I felt unable to carry on. 

I have also spent a lot of time wondering if I'm making a big thing out of a small thing. That maybe I am just unfit and causing a fuss.

And I keep going back to that thought.

Over and over again.

And it is because I am starting to get better. I still am nowhere near where I was. I am still scared of even trying to work a full time job and there is no way I could walk to and from work or go out jogging again but I am not the same person I was in January wherein I had to spend days in bed to recover from small activities.

So because I'm getting better, and I'm starting to feel better. I wanted to just write a quick post on here to tell you about some of the things that I've achieved lately that I've been proud of. Things that seven-eight months ago, I never would have managed. Because then I can show to you and also to myself, that I am on the road to recovery. I may never get to where I was but if I keep working, I might get somewhere near to it.

1. I can climb the three flights of stairs at work without crying out in pain.
2. I can walk for a good half hour before I need to slow down.
3. I can carry heavy piles of books and/or bags again
4. I don't feel as achy when I wake up in the morning
5. I don't feel as achy after driving for 30minutes.
6. Yesterday I climbed the equivalent of 15 flights of stairs and while I was out of breath, my legs and hips did not hurt until 4 hours later. Which is unheard of.

Of course, with all those amazing achievements, I still have things that I do now or cannot do now that I used to be able to, such as:

1. If I've been driving for a long time, my left arm is more comfortable in my lap then on the steering wheel, giving my muscle a break.
2. I still cringe at the idea of running and how much my muscles will hurt me for the task.
3. If I don't do my physio exercises, I can struggle to get out of bed.
4. I am still incredibly exhausted most days.
5. When I have done too much, I can barely get up out of the chair as I hurt all over.
6. I'm still getting bizarre and annoying pains in my fingers and knuckles.

I am not 100% okay but I am better than I was and I am so happy about it. If I could get to a point where I could job for 10mins once a week, I think I will be happy with life again. That is my ultimate goal and I am going to make it. I'm sure of it.

It's all just about taking it one step at a time.

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