Acceptance

Hello, my name is Georgia.

I'm sixteen-years-old, living in London, and I'm soon to start my A Level courses (*weeps*). I like binge-watching TV shows on Netflix, badly dancing around to the Hamilton soundtrack and drinking all the tea that I can. Oh, and I'm also gay. I hope you don't mind that.

I was thirteen-years-old when I suddenly developed this crush on a girl in my Year at school, and I was terrified. This was my first major crush, and it was on a girl. I was terrified. I didn't know what to do or who to speak to. Homophobia was a very big problem at my school, and in some cases, it still is. I knew someone who was badly bullied at my school for who they were, they were thrown down the stairs, spat at, verbally abused, etc, to the point that they had no option but to leave the school. Seeing this frightened me, I was already being bullied by a group of girls in my Year, and if I went to somebody about my thoughts and feelings I feared that my bullying would worsen. So for two years, I pretended to be someone I was not, and it made me miserable. I was desperate to fit in. In this space of time, I dated a couple of guys, not because I had a crush on them, but because I still feared what could happen to me if anyone found out that I liked girls. I know that sounds unfair and selfish, but I was suppressing these feelings because then I could be seen as "normal" in the eyes of my peers.

A year later or so, I decided to talk to one of my friends about this crush that I had. He replied saying: "Well, you can't be gay, you've never dated a girl in your life. You're being silly". He then later added: "you might be bisexual". After that, he walked away, and never really spoke to me again afterwards. I nearly cried. I thought that I could trust this person, that they would give me helpful advice, but instead, they came off rude and spaced themselves away from me. It took me several more months to come out to my best friend, who was actually happy about who I was. This gave me some confidence about being proud of my sexuality, and I slowly began to label myself as gay. It was during this period of time where I came out to my main friendship group. where I had found that most of my friends were in the Community themselves. Then I found Youtubes, Dodie Clark, Miles Mckenna and MacDoesIt. All three of these YouTubers are in the Community, Dodie is bisexual, Miles is trans* and Mac is gay. The best thing that I found about these people was that they open about their sexuality and they celebrated that. Seeing this made me so, so happy because it inspired me so much. These LGBT* YouTubers allowed me to accept who I was at a much quicker rate, their videos were so inspiring to watch, and their positive vibes were reflected onto me the more I watched them.

So by late 2016, I had fully accepted the fact that I was gay, and that fear that consumed me and controlled me melted away. For the very first time, I embraced my sexuality with open arms. So in December 2016, I came out to the girls that I had grown up with, and that I was close to. They were overjoyed. But other people started to learn about my sexuality. some didn't care...and others were not happy, let's say. After Christmas break, I experienced my first bout of homophobia. I was getting changed for my PE lesson, where it was only me, a few of my mates and two girls who never really liked me. When my mates had left the changing room, these two girls came up to my face and started to say some horrible things. They went on to call me a "dirty f**king gay", and some worse things, and then they shoved me into the pegs. I left the changing room quite quickly, and I sat in the hall with my friends. A little bit later on, I had a basketball repeatedly thrown at my by a boy. When my friend sprung to my defence, the boy said that he was doing me a favour as he thought he could "beat the gay out of (me)". Needless to say, I was utterly shocked by this.

Around April time, I had to write a speech and present it to the front of my class so that I was allowed to take my English GCSE. It could be about any topic, so I decided to write about my experiences with homophobia. When it came to presenting this speech, I was nervous, but I knew that people needed to know the severity of homophobia. By the time I had finished the speech, I had people come up to me telling me they never knew that homophobia was that big of a problem. My English teacher told me that she was proud of that speech and that I should be proud too. And I was.

If I could go back in time and tell 'lil ol' self that I'm an idiot for hiding from my true self, I would. I was miserable for those years, and now I'm happy with who I am. I get homophobic comments directed towards me every now and again, but I've learnt to ignore them. It took me so long to accept who I was, and if anyone thinks that they can make me feel any different, they are wrong. No-one, and I mean no-one will ever make me feel bad about my sexuality. I'd like to live in a world where homophobia was a thing of the past, and that it doesn't matter how a person identifies, but at the moment, that future is just out of reach. There is no reason to hate someone based on how they identify because, after all, we are all made of the same flesh and blood.

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A Year Later...

This time last year, more or less, I officially came out of the closet and so today to celebrate #Pride2017, I wanted to write a little something about how my life has changed and not changed since I posted this post last year.

For the most part, nothing much has changed - as it shouldn't. I still have good friends. I still go to work. I am, essentially, still me.

But also, there has been quite a lot that has changed. Mostly for the better too! Yay!

The one thing that I can definitely say with absolute certainty is that I do not regret coming out last year.

In The Past Year:

The Good:

• I have felt more comfortable in my skin. Knowing who I am inside and why I am the way I am has really helped to make me feel more comfortable on the outside. I may live in a society obsessed with sex but I am not and that is totally okay.
• I find it easier to talk about my asexuality with other people - including strangers and work colleagues! Recently I've brought it up to a few of my new colleagues just casually in conversation and if they already know about it they let it slide but I did have one person ask and she was totally cool with my response. I educated someone about it which was fantastic!
• I find it is easier to ask if conversations about sex could not happen around me. Not that I dislike talk about it but sometimes just thinking about my friends having sex makes me feel a bit uncomfortable! - Sorry guys!
• There are a few more fun in jokes with my friends which makes me feel more included and happy - which is never a bad thing.
• When I got so little judgement, it made me feel safe and happy. My sexuality is my sexuality and at the end of the day, if it doesn't affect your way of life, why should you judge? 
• I've been trying to read and watch more books and shows with good ace rep. I've not been hugely successful yet but hopefully one day!

The Bad:

• I still sometimes feel like there is something wrong with me. Why don't I want to have sex? Should I just do it to get it over with? I know these are mostly silly thoughts but society doesn't always make it easy to be "different".
• I still struggle to see myself in a relationship with anyone because I am overly anxious about the sex side of things. I don't want to force someone to not have sex but I would also want someone to be faithful to me so how would that ever work?
• I have recently been thinking about being a teenager and remembering that I used to want to be a nun because even though I was an atheist, I knew that as a nun it would be socially acceptable not to have sex. I still don't think it's truly socially acceptable and that hurts inside.
• While I have come out to the internet, my friends and colleagues, I have yet to be able to face my family with the news. As far as I can tell, they just wouldn't understand and just assume I hadn't found the right person yet or that I would feel differently once I'd had sex. And I just don't want to feel so disheartened by those who are that close to me.

So it's been a rocky year but I'm hoping that those bad points will, at some point in the future, disappear entirely. 

The one thing that has not changed and will never change is that I am PROUD to be an ASEXUAL.

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Coming Out: Sometimes It Doesn't Go To Plan

Coming out is monumental for anyone who identifies as LGBTQIA+. There’s no right or wrong way to do it. Some people write letters, others bake rainbow cakes covered in sprinkles. How I came out isn’t nearly as well-planned or delicious. 

Early last year, I found myself falling in love for the first time. I didn’t see it coming. We’d been friends for a while, but literally overnight, something shifted in our friendship. I found myself on a crazy, passionate and utterly terrifying roller coaster with another girl.

Before her, I’d always identified as heterosexual.. But I wouldn’t be telling the truth if I said I’d never been curious.. With her, it became crystal clear that I definitely wasn’t straight.

She was witty, talented and beautiful. Sometimes I felt like I’d won a prize to stand next to her. Neither of us were ready to be out, but for the first time, I had to accept a side of myself that I’d ignored. 

Months passed and the more sure I became of her and our secret relationship, the more doubts seemed to creep into her mind. Eventually, she broke my heart.

At first, I tried to hide my heartbreak from my family and friends. It was 3pm on a Sunday when I knew I had no other option than to tell them - I wasn’t coping and I couldn't hide it anymore. Before I could change my mind, I stumbled into the kitchen and tried to tell my mum the secret that had been hanging over me for months. I choked on the words. For the next half an hour, she just held me until I could whisper what was wrong:

            I was in love with a girl.

           The girl had just shattered my heart.

           I was sorry for lying to her and dad and I hoped they still loved me.

What happened next is something we all hope  for. My mum smiled and told me whoever I decided to spend my life with would never stop them loving me. In fact, she’d guessed months ago and had been prepping my dad for the revelation. I went to bed that night knowing how unbelievably lucky I was. 

I came out to my friends next. Some were extremely hurt – they felt like I’d lied to them, and didn’t trust them. For a while, our friendships were difficult and rocky. I felt huge amounts of guilt because of this. Maybe if I’d come out ‘properly’, when I was ready and had planned to, they’d have taken it better. Despite their feelings, they still dragged me out for coffee, bought me bath bombs and told me it’d get better.

And it did. Happiness seeped back into my life. But this notion of not coming out 'properly', in the way I wanted, kept tormenting me. As the time passed, I started to realise something important. No, I didn't get to come out the way I hoped to, but that really didn't matter at all. In all of this, I had missed the most important point:

Coming out, for any reason, in any fashion, sets you free.

Tips for coming out:

1. Beforehand, binge watch every gay or semi gay tv show – OITNB! The L World! Queer As Folk! When We Rise!
2. Only come out if it's safe to do so - your safety is more important than anything else.
3. If it isn't safe, bide your time. Make plans, start saving money, and know that one day, you'll be able to. 
4. Don't let anyone pressure you into coming out.
5. Expect to feel elation, followed by surrealism, followed by exhaustion.
6. You might find it easier to come out to strangers at first, rather your friends and family. Don’t feel guilty – it’s a practice run.
7. People will ask a lot of questions. Don’t feel that you need to answer anything you’re uncomfortable with.
8.  If you’re like me and don’t ‘look gay’, you’ll have to come out again, and again and again. That’s okay – you’ll get super creative with your methods!
9. If your family and friends truly love you, they’ll keep loving you, even if they struggle to understand it.
10. You’ll find life is suddenly a lot lighter and brighter when you’re not hiding anymore.

Finally, don’t feel bad if you’ve read this blog post and you’re worried you won’t ever be ready. A year ago, I’d have said the same thing. You’ll know when the time is right.

         Advice Websites:

   

            LGBT Foundation - Coming Out Support

          Stonewall - Help and Advice

         

          Stonewall Youth

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There's something I've been meaning to mention...

So I vaguely hinted several months ago that I wanted to write a post related to Faye's post about her asexuality but then didn't actually write that post for whatever reasons (usually because I'm awful at getting my posts done ahead of when I'm meant to be posting and I didn't really want to rush this one). Yes I may be writing this at 11pm but I can't avoid doing it any longer.

Several of my friends already know this about me as it's something we've discussed at several points over this year, I've gotten more comfortable with owning this aspect of myself although it's probably not something I will be explaining to my parents any time soon because they will likely be a bit confused as to what it means for my long-term relationship. But I digress.

I'm Demisexual. Also Bi (whether sexual/romantic I'm not entirely sure).

Image source

Yeah. That. If you don't happen to frequent the internet bubbles that I usually inhabit, Demisexuality may not be a label that you've come across before. Simply put; if Asexuality is the absence of sexual attraction/desire then Demisexuals reside partway along the spectrum back towards hetero/homo/bi/pan-sexuality. For a super cool comic on Asexuality here's Alice Oseman being staggeringly talented as always.

Demisexuals like me tend to only feel sexual attraction to people we have strong emotional bonds to, e.g. people we're in romantic relationships with. For me it also means that even within a relationship I don't often feel the desire for sex (with a partner anyway but that's another thing...). Until recently this lack of desire bothered me because I thought something was wrong or defective with me that I didn't want to have sex as often as I thought "normal people" should.

I'll be honest, I was fairly late in ditching the imaginary V-card. I was not far off 20 when I "fled the nunnery" as I termed it at the time despite being two and a half years into what ended up as a three year relationship (first of only two long-term bfs, nearing four & a half years with Le Boyf). Not that we were chaste little chaps for all that time but we didn't actually do the entire deed until 2010 and after that no more than a handful of times before we split up.

Then followed 18 months of singledom. Which was fine. When I met for drinks with some school friends during this time they'd lament to me how terrible it was that they'd not had sex for two weeks, I sat there and shrugged saying "talk to me when you're over a year." In actuality I was probably getting off far more than they were and I didn't need or want a bloke for it. I had myself.

I'm sure a lot of Safe Space readers know of Grace Latter and her infamous & brilliant blog post on Female Masturbation. When I read it I was like "yas!" only I was waaaay earlier to this game. At the age of 26 I can actually say that I've been getting mine for half my damn life. All through high school I was never interested in having sex because I didn't really see the need for it when I could dole out my own pleasure as and when I wanted it. No reason to deal with messy teenage boys at all!

In some respects I wonder if this influenced my demisexuality because in the years I wasn't having sex I'd been imagining what it would be like but then when I actually did it, it never felt as mind-blowingly awesome as I'd thought it should and that feeling has persisted. It morphs into anxiety & over-awareness of what I'm feeling and that I'm not enjoying it as much as I think I ought to be which is obviously only going to make me more tense etc.

So I don't have sex very often. And that's totally cool, it doesn't mean I love Le Boyf any less or that our relationship is without physical affection, that's just how I roll as a Demisexual. You get me?

But I should talk about the other flag I fly under. It's become very apparent to me in the last year or two that I don't just find men attractive. I can't tell you how many times I've been scrolling through tumblr, seen a picture of Daisy Ridley and thought "my god, could you *be* any more glorious?" I could start a list of the actresses I find attractive but then this post will be even longer than it is.

Identifying as Bi is slightly more complicated for me as the Demisexual aspect means my attraction to men or women is less "I wanna have sex with you" and more "I am super enthralled by your face/clothes/personality/creative skills and want to mildly stalk you on the internet". Obviously being in a committed long-term relationship means that any attractions I do have will not be acted upon but that doesn't mean I can't flail about on Twitter that I want to marry Kate McKinnon (who doesn't?).

I hope this long-winded tour of my sexuality has cleared up a few things. I know I have confused folk in the past :P It's also really good to get this all out there. *and breathe*

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All About That Positivity

It came to my attention at the beginning of this week that it was #asexualityawareness week. Now, with that and with my promise that I would now be a more vocal voice for the asexual community, I thought today was a perfect opportunity to talk to you about the positives of being asexual and of being out about it.

Because we can sometimes get dragged down by the negatives of things. The difficulties we face fitting in, the terror of coming out, the struggles we continue to face when we meet new people, etc. And today, I just want to push all of that aside. I want to stand up and say, yeah, that stuff happens but also, there are good things about this sexuality, it's not all doom and gloom!

So yeah, here's just a little list of the things that I have found really positive about asexuality and about being honest about my sexuality.

• Our label is Ace. 

I mean. Seriously. How cool is that? I get to just stand up and shout "I'm ACE" to the world. If, you know, I felt like it.

• The Community.

Okay, in all honesty I've still not dived fully into the community yet because, busy, but from what I've seen so far, everyone is so incredibly amazing. There's support if you need it. Advice if you need it. Love if you need it. No one judging. Everyone understanding. It is literally a wonderful thing.

• LGBT Community.

So, I do still a little bit like an outsider in this community, a participant who often gets missed BUT I also love it so much. I love the camaraderie and the support and the love and just, they all get it. They understand the coming out issues. The struggles of not being heteronormative. And they will be there for you as much as they can be.

• #AsexualityAwareness Week

This may seem odd in here but honestly, this is so incredible. When I was a teenager I didn't even know asexuality existed and now there's an awareness week for it. I mean, how wonderful is that? Someone may be struggling to understand themselves, struggling to fit in and then they might stumble across something online this week and it might just click for them and that is just incredible to think about.

• Helping Others.

Okay, I am not going to go out on a limb here and say that my coming out post on here did help people but I do know that some people have come to me to say they understand themselves a little better now. I know that I've been thanked for my words and supported by a lot of people. So while I know I may not be making a huge difference in the world, if by being out and proud of being Ace helps make a huge difference to one person's world, then I'll take it. We all need to support each other.

• Educating Others.

I'm not a teacher and while I used to want to be a teacher, I no longer feel I could do the job. However coming out as ace to some of my friends was an interesting experience because despite having trans, bi and gay friends, they had never heard of asexuality. So it meant that I could educate my friends on what my sexuality is. What it means for me and how it differs from person to person. Meaning that my friends now have a further understanding of the world that they didn't have before and that is pretty spectacular.

• No More Pretending.

When I was growing up, I had to try hard to fit in. I had to talk about boys in a way that I never truly felt and I was worried that people would work out that something was wrong with me so I even went so far as to date boys too. Needless to say it never worked out. But now that I'm out in the open about everything, I no longer have to say things like: "I would get into his bed so fast, the world would collapse." - And yes, I have said things like this before now.

• I am who I am.

I know who I am. It's such a weird concept and it's hard to describe to people who have never truly had that clarifying feeling about their lives but now that I understand more about asexuality, now that I know what it is and that I relate to it, I feel so much more confident in myself. I feel at peace with my body. I no longer have to try and get it to feel something deep inside when looking at other people because I am fully comfortable in the understanding that I never will. I can appreciate physically attractive people on a base level and then continue on with my life without ever thinking of them again.

That's all I can think of right now. I am sure there are more but mostly I am just happy to be "out of the closet" (even if I hate that expression) because I feel so much more comfortable but I also know that there are reasons to not share your asexualness with people. So I want to finish by saying that please do not feel pressure to tell the world about your sexuality. You need to do what is right for you. But I also want you to know that no matter who you are or where you are, I will always be here for you.

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My Sexuality.

I’ve known that I was a little different to other girls in regards to romance and sex from a fairly early age. I remember having sleepovers at 13 and we’d all go round in a circle and confess who our crush was. And when it came to me, I always drew a blank. I had no answer, and my friends thought I was being coy and no fun. But the truth was that I just didn’t like any of the boys at our school.

As a teen, I put this down to having a lot going on in my life and not having the time to focus on sex and boys. I mean, my mum was sick with cancer and a lot of my free time was taken up with that, which was a perfectly viable explanation for my lack of hormones and attraction towards guys right?

Over my school years I was asked out by a few guys, all of which I turned down. Partly because I was point blank terrified of commitment, but also because I wasn’t attracted to them. When people asked me about celebrity crushes, I grabbed for names and said the obvious ones like Zac Efron and Sam Claflin (although I’ll admit, both of these crushes were pretty genuine). When we talked about ‘girl crushes’ though, I became so animated. I had about 5 actresses and musicians ready to go in my head, and I remember having these ‘girl crushes’ as far back as the age of 12.

Turns out, they were just the regular kind of crush.

I didn’t realise I was bisexual until I was about 18. When I tell people this, they’re pretty shocked and often respond with ‘Surely you knew sooner?’ and maybe subconsciously I did. But heteronormativity is rampant in our society, and whilst I supported LGBTQ+ rights from a young age, I never let myself think that I was maybe a member of the community too.

As soon as I realised this, everything in my life made so much more sense. All that jealousy about when some of my friends got boyfriends, all the actresses I looked up to and adored, all the female characters I loved and were obsessed with. As soon as I realised I was attracted to girls, there was no way of denying it.

It’s taken me two and a half years to become fully comfortable with the label and myself. There have been many times I’ve questioned it, and I’ve spent a lot of time, especially in recent months, questioning whether I am in fact bisexual or gay, but I have and do sometimes experience attraction to men – just not nearly as much as I do with women.

I still struggle telling people in real life sometimes. There are a number of times in the past four weeks at University I could’ve just told people, but instead I sat back instead, stumbling over the words. I told myself before coming to University that I wanted to be totally open about my sexuality, but when it comes to the crunch I panic. It almost makes me angry that I even have to tell people, that people just assume I’m straight unless I explicitly state otherwise.

My journey with my sexuality has been long and one that is still ongoing. But I know that even compared to last year I am so much more comfortable and happy with who I am, and hopefully that can continue into the future.

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Proud of Being in Pride

When I planned out my Safe Space topics, I knew that June was going to be about sexuality. Its Pride month, and it seemed appropriate to shout about. I thought this would be a post about being bisexual, or the difficulties in getting dates, but instead, I want to talk about how Pride month this year has been different. 

For the past two years, i.e. as long as I’ve lived in London, I’ve volunteered at Pride. It has been a great way to meet new people. I enjoy being part of it, and have always had great fun afterwards in the depths of Soho.

Flashback to 2014, my first time volunteering at London Pride and meeting Dr Christian! #Pride #London #LGBT #LondonPride #Londonlife

A photo posted by Snuggling on the Sofa (@snugglingonthesofa) on Jun 26, 2016 at 4:48pm PDT

I knew this year was going to be a little different, because one of my best friends joined the Navy, and he was my go-to party friend. I also missed an interview for the role I wanted at Pride, because I had to work. So I dithered and dithered about what else to volunteer for. 

And then Orlando happened. 

I know that America has tons of shootings all the time, but this just really shook me. I don't know whether it was the scale of trauma, or the fact it occurred in Pride month, in a gay club, where people were dancing away. It could have easily been me. I attended a vigil in Soho with my friend Charlie the day after, but nothing really seemed to scratch the surface. 

Not to mention work has been extremely busy and what with all the Brexit drama, my Twitter timeline (i.e. my home) has been so full of despair. I convinced myself on Friday that going to Pride wasn’t a good idea. I just wanted to retreat into the Sim world where there is no segregation. 

And then Saturday morning, I got dressed, and just burst into tears. I don’t know what happened. I can’t even use the excuse of a soppy film. Maybe my outfit was that bad?! Anyway, I trekked into Central London with the view of doing some blogging, and obviously ended up on Twitter, and then I saw this. 

He said yes @LondonLGBTPride @MetLGBTNetwork @LGBTpoliceuk #policewithpride #ByYourSide #AB #DI #CA #AC #LH pic.twitter.com/9jOmlY33PH

— MET LGBT Network (@MetLGBTNetwork) June 25, 2016

 So yes more tears. But this time of hope, and love, and glad that these men chose this day, this parade and moment to express their love. And my heart burst. And I realised more than ever do I need to be part of it. So I went out and cheered on the parade, and met up with friends, and partied in Soho along with what felt like a gazillion other people.

While my 2016 Pride wasn’t what I thought it would be, it was a step forward in reaffirming my hope in the world, and a future where Love is Love and there is joy in society. Where people can express themselves freely and not live in fear. And even though I didn’t really make things happen this year, just by being part of the crowd, waving that flag and cheering people on, I stood together with people. And above all else, that’s what matters.

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My Ace Journey

This weekend an army of LGBT-ers and LGBT supporters have been at London for Pride. A weekend dedicated to being proud and being proud to support people who aren't heterosexual. And thus I decided that this weekend was the perfect weekend to share my story with you. Because, I am not a heterosexual. Instead, I belong to the A of LGBTQIA. Not Ally. But Asexual.

*takes deep breathe.*

That's one of the few times I've actually written that down. One of the few times I've also acknowledged my sexuality for what it is. And it is definitely the first time that I have been so open and public about it. 

So I just want to say that again.

I am asexual.

You may or may not know what that means and that is totally okay. It's one of those quiet sexualities. One of the ones that hides into the background, just like I used to do. The wikipedia definition says:

"Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to anyone, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity."

That seems pretty cut and dried, right? But actually, asexuality is a beast. It has many different forms, sub-forms, etc, etc. It would take more than just a blog post to explain all of that to you so instead, if you are interested in learning more about it, please take some time to look over this website: www.asexuality.org.

But as I mentioned in my title, this is about my journey. Mostly this is going to be a pretty short history because I don't want this post to go on too long, but I feel I should share my experience so that I might be able to help someone in some way.

As A Teenager

I'm going to be honest with you here because I had no idea that asexuality existed when I was a teenager. But I knew that I was different. All of my friends talked constantly about sex. It was on the TV, in films, in books. It was everywhere, basically, and I just never felt interested. I'd watch it and wonder what the fuss was all about. I'd joke about it and join in conversations about it but I never really understood this "primal desire" that people got. I heard people say things like "he is so hot, I'd get him in bed so fast", etc. And I'd be confused. Because I did find people attractive. From celebrities to other people I met but that "feeling" and "need" to sleep with them was absent. I was just able to observe and appreciate their beauty but I never had any sexual attraction.

So being a teenager was hard. I ended up playing a role. Pretending I was interested. I said things I didn't feel. Joked around and tried to act "clued up" when really I was floundering. I just couldn't fathom any of it. Not really. Not on a primal, natural level anyway.

Then I got my first serious boyfriend. He was definitely more experienced than myself but he was also still a virgin. I was seventeen and obviously very inexperienced. I had, until that point, only kissed someone else. And it was awkward, and uncomfortable and I didn't really feel like doing it again. With my then boyfriend, I tried to feel things. I tried to force the butterflies into my stomach and the sexual urges to arrive but mostly, I didn't feel much. I got some natural pleasure when we did some sexual acts but a lot of the time I felt odd and indifferent to it all. I much preferred to make him feel pleasure than actually feel pleasure myself - which he obviously had no issues with.

That relationship only lasted five months and we didn't get much further than foreplay. Mostly because we were taking it at my pace and I, naturally I now realise, never felt ready.

The University Years

University was hard. No longer was there just talk about sex during breaktimes and lunchtimes. Now there was people actually having sex. Night outs where the guys were eyeing up all the girls. Friends that would abandon me halfway through the night to go home with a guy they'd met. Roommates having sex that I could hear through walls. It was everywhere. It was also getting harder and harder for me to deny that something definitely wasn't right with me.

Because the one very obvious thing happening was that I wasn't having sex. I chalked it down to wanting a relationship with someone first. I was obviously still a virgin and I wanted to break that cherry with someone I cared about. This is what I told all of my friends. I just wasn't the kind of person who wanted to have one night stands and I was struggling to find someone to settle down with. This is also what I, myself, believed. I still didn't know about asexuality. So I was certain that when I found the right person everything would just feel right. That was what everyone was telling me too. 

The Blogging Years

In my last year of university I started my book blog. I started reading more, including lots of LGBT fiction. And then I met up with other book bloggers. Formed relationships and was suddenly learning that there was more than just Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Trans people. That there was a lot of other sexualities too. And then I heard about asexuality. And it was like a lightbulb went off in my brain. 

But I didn't identify as asexual straight away because I still wasn’t sure. I didn’t know enough about it and maybe I still just hadn’t found the right person yet. Maybe I would feel something if I was with someone I felt emotionally attracted too. So I pushed the thought away, kept living my life as I was and left it as it was. There were still parts of me that made me wonder if I was asexual at all – I did fantasize about other people and I did pleasure myself so maybe I was just getting it all wrong.

And then I watched a youtube video of someone talking about how they were asexual. A kind of asexual that fantasizes about other people having sex (i.e. in fanfics) but never wanting sex themselves. And that lightbulb in my head burnt a lot brighter so I started to research asexuality more and realised that this was it. This explained me so much. I do not want sex. Ever. And that is totally okay. I have also learnt that I am not the kind of person that could be in a poly relationship. If I am in a relationship, I need to know I’m the only person with that person.

So there we have it. My journey from teenager to now. Where I feel comfortable with my sexuality. Enough to share it with you and explain what it is like for me. I am still struggling to date but this is because I do not feel comfortable enough to explain that I do not want sex. I am worried that every guy I meet will never understand my not wanting sex and I’ll get attached and then they’ll leave me devastated and alone.

But I am certain that one day I will find someone who will be my best friend and my boyfriend. Someone who will understand my need to sleep in my own bed. Someone who will laugh with me and cuddle with me and kiss me and understand that it may never go much further than that. Because we live in a wonderful world and I have faith.

That or I’ll just have to become a crazy cat lady, eh? 

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