Letters To Our Sixteen Year Old Selves

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I’m sure that we all have things we wish we could go back in time and tell our past selves. So today I’ve pitched the question to the Safe Space team:

If given the chance what would you tell your sixteen year old self?

Older and wiser maybe now we have the perfect advice to give to our younger selves now that we know the outcome of the experiences that we were struggling to navigate at sixteen years old and perhaps there is somebody out there reading this in a similar situation looking for some guidance too.

~ Jess ~

Dear Jess,
If I could travel back in time and give you a massive hug right now I would, because I know you could really do with one. I know you feel scared and alone, the wonderful boyfriend who was so lovely to you at the start of your relationship has been not so wonderful lately. I’d love to be able to say that things will get easier soon and that it’ll all be over but you’re going to have to be brave for a while longer. I can promise though that the right time and perfect opportunity will come for you to leave this relationship and you’ll do it safely without ever looking back. These dark times will end. 

The friends in your life who you think are so important now won’t be ten years down the line. Don’t worry so much about what they think and say, they’re not part of your future. At this moment in time you’ll find yourself wanting to be independant from your family but don’t push them too far. Family is more important than you realise right now. Try to let them in more. As grown up as you feel you don’t know everything about the world and still need your parents.

Soon a big, beautiful, black dog will be joining your family. You have no idea how much he will come to help you in the years to come. This furry bundle of joy will become your closest companion, he’ll make you laugh every day and will cuddle up to you when you’re sad. Give him a big hug from me. Treasure the time you have with him.

Your love of books will literally save your life, on some days being able to escape to another world will be all that keeps you going. Keep reading, writing and sharing your passion for books. Following that path that you love will lead you to the brightest parts of your life. You will literally meet the best people you know because of them including your best friend who will understand you in ways you can not begin to imagine a person ever could.

At the moment you don’t feel very strong. You feel panicky, afraid and sad all of the time. Talk to your family, go to the doctor, fight for your right to be seen by a mental health professional. You’re not crazy and although you’re in denial about how you feel right now I promise that it’s nothing to be ashamed of and that with the right help you will start to feel better.

Take time out to reflect and think, in doing so you are rebuilding yourself to be the best version of you. From this very young age you will come to learn what you do and what you don’t want from life. You will learn empathy and compassion because of what you’ve been through and it will turn you into a kinder person who just wants to make the world a better place than when you found it. You will get to a point where you are proud of who you are and will love the life you have built for yourself because it is one that you have chosen and not one somebody else has told you that you should want.

Instead of looking down and being certain that if you jump you will fall, believe that if you spread your wings and take a leap of faith you will fly.

Stay strong, stay safe and stay hopeful.

Love, Jess x

~ Laura ~ 

Dear Laura,
It’s future you writing to past you…nifty huh?! I guess I have so much I want to say to you about what the future holds, what you have to look forward to, the things you’ll learn the people you’ll meet the experiences you’ll have…but you’ll get to those in good time.

What I really want to say to you is this: don’t ever stop loving yourself. You are one of the strongest, bravest and kindest people. Think of everything you’ve had to endure over the past few years and look how you’ve come through the other side. I wish I could lie to you and tell you that the future is perfect but it’s not. There will be plenty of heartbreak thanks to some rubbish men, there will be moments when you don’t think you can keep going, there will be many tears shed, many moments spent wondering why life isn’t going the way you thought it would. But the best part? You never ever give up.

Because there are some amazing times to come too. Some beautiful moments that you’ll never forget, nights spent in the arms of someone you love, days spent enjoying the simple pleasures of life, there’ll be books to read, songs to sing, friends to make and lessons to learn. But you must remember to keep loving yourself. Don’t let other people make you feel less than you are. Don’t allow someone else’s happiness to come before your own. Be selfish sometimes, take time to love yourself, make people aware that you’re pretty damn awesome.

And most of all stay kind. Keep smiling at strangers, help those less fortunate, take time to listen and remember everyone has their own battles to fight.

Stay strong and believe in yourself. Make mistakes, learn from them. Make beautiful memories, treasure them. Fall in love, enjoy it. Follow your dreams. Be brave, take chances, enjoy every second.
Life is never going to go the way you think it will but that’s ok. Life is unexpected and crazy and amazing and you’ll rock it.

Keep smiling gorgeous girl; never let anyone dull your shine. And on those days when you feel worthless or you don’t know what anyone could ever see in you, remind yourself that things will get better because they can and they will.

The future is yours to write so make it whatever you want to be. I’m so proud of you and of who you’ll become and I can’t wait for you to experience all the things you will.

Never regret anything that once made you smile.
Keep rocking it girl xxxx

~  Faye ~

Dear Faye,
It’s Faye here, from 10 years in the future. I’m writing to you today to help you get through this year, and the ones to follow it - because you do get through them.

This year you’ve made a big leap. You’ve left school and are heading to College with no friends but that’s okay because on your first day you’ll meet Jen and she will introduce you to an amazing group of people including your best friend, who is still your friend today.

College is going to be tough. I don’t want to scare you but you will lose your secondary school friends but that’s okay. I know you will hurt and feel replaced and it will make you feel useless and worthless but you are not these things. She wasn’t worth your amazing friendship and she is not worth your tears.

Over the coming years you are going to be faced with a lot of challenges and heartbreak but also love, happiness and hope. Because that is life in a nutshell. Swings and roundabouts.

This moment in your life is hard and scary but it is all worth it because at the end of it all you have a pretty good life with amazing supportive friends, an exciting business and living away from home. It’s still not perfect but because you’ve had experiences of hard times, you know you’ll get through this too.

So stay strong, keep smiling, and don’t let life knock you back too far.

 ~ Lily ~

Dear Lily,
It’s you, 5 years from the future! Pretty cool huh?! And boy do I have some things to say to you. First of all, I want to give you the biggest hug, even though you probably don’t want it or think you deserve it. You have been absolutely incredible in the past year. Don’t even doubt it for a second. Mum would be SO proud.

First things first, I know you’re nervous about starting a new sixth form. You know that group of friends from scouts you sometimes talk to? They’re going to take you under your wing and be the best friends you’ve ever had. It might be awkward at first because you haven’t known them as long as they’ve all known each other, but give it time. Get to know them, let them listen, and don’t be afraid to be who you are with them. You’re still all talking today even though you live all over the country.

Be kind to yourself. When it’s all too much, get out of school and make sure you pamper yourself. I know therapy isn’t the right answer for you right now, but in a few years it will be. And it will help you so much, you wouldn’t even believe. Don’t be afraid to rant to your friends, especially those who you talk to on the internet. They are some of the kindest, most wonderful people you’ll ever meet.

Keep an open mind at school. The subject you think you hate right now might just be the one that you end up wanting to study. Oh, and that gap year you want to do? PLEASE take it, and don’t feel pressured to go straight to University. You’ve been through so much these past few years and you need to take some time to go through it. Get through your A Levels, and then have a nice rest. You’ve earned it.

I want you to know that you’re about to embark on some of the best years of your life. You’ll get to watch the sunset by a Welsh lake with all your friends, you’ll get to travel all over Europe and climb up a Swiss mountain. Those Camp America websites you’ve been looking at? You get to do that too. And it’s one of the most eye-opening experiences you’ve ever had. Keep an open mind though, and work bloody hard when you’re there.

And above everything else, I want you to know that it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel sad and anxious and scared and nostalgic. It’s okay to miss her. I miss her too. Never feel like you have to hold in your emotions for anyone. You’re going to realise something about yourself soon, and everything will make sense. Embrace it and love it, I know it’s hard. You are so brave and wonderful and you have so much to look forward to. Be brave and take chances, but when it’s all too much don’t be afraid to say no. Remember to look after yourself.

Keep smiling and keep going. It gets better, I promise.

Love, Lily x

~ Louise ~

Dear Louise,
I’m here to tell you not to panic. Everything feels like it’s not going to plan at the moment doesn’t it? You know you have something that makes you different to all the other girls your age and you feel alone and afraid but it does get better. You’ll find out soon that this is a common problem and treatable; so very treatable. Worrying about the future – the kind of future when you get dizzy from thinking it’s so far away but it’s going to come around so quickly – isn’t healthy. Focusing on YOU and being happy is a much better use of your energy.

Please don’t push away those people who care about you. They will leave – albeit temporarily – but it will take many unnecessary years and more pain to get them back; to build the relationship and friendship you’ve always wanted.

You’re now 28 and twelve years have gone by so fast and being sixteen with these problems pale in retrospect. You will become a great survivor and will endure so much more than you think possible. But don’t panic. You have it in you, even when you’re in the depths of depression and doubting your every fibre. You have got this down. This is just the beginning of the adventures... You’re going to love them!

Love and hugs,
Lou x

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Damp Patch

Today I want to talk about something that I don’t think gets talked about enough: vaginal discharge.

I can remember the very first time I found out about it. I was about ten or eleven and I woke up one morning with soaking wet pyjama shorts. I was so embarrassed and I thought I’d wet myself so I wrote a note to my mum (I used to do this all the time as I was too ashamed to say things out loud) and told her that I thought I’d wet myself yet it didn’t smell or look like urine; it was almost like I’d spilt a whole bottle of water in my lap.

My mum was really great and told me all about vaginal discharge and so I felt a lot more confident that what had happened was normal and completely fine. I sort of just didn’t really think about it anymore for a while; I used pantliners to stop my underwear getting damp (it’s a personal choice as I know some women don’t like using them but I find they help me to feel fresh and comfortable throughout the day) until one day in the playground I started to feel like I should be ashamed of it. A group of friends were sitting cross legged on the grass, some of the girls were wearing skirts, and one of the boys pointed out that one of the girls had a wet patch on her knickers. The rest of the boys made comments about how gross it was etc and suddenly there was yet another thing I needed to be ashamed of.

And I don’t think any woman should be ashamed of it. It’s normal, it’s natural, it’s healthy. Obviously it must be mentioned here that any abnormal discharge or smelly discharge could be down to an infection so it’s always worth getting things checked out if you’re not sure it’s normal. But vaginal discharge can vary in colour depending on your time in the month; it can vary in thickness, in quantity and also in appearance.  Some women just naturally have more than others and it can also vary if, for example, you’re on a contraceptive pill.

I’ve had friends in the past who were ashamed to buy a packet of pantliners in the supermarket or feel the need to hide their sanitary products out of sight. COME ON GIRLS, don’t feel ashamed.

I used to be so shy, especially around boyfriends about my vagina being fucking awesome and cleaning itself. (YAY FOR AWESOME VAGINAS) I would never let them see my underwear if I had a pantliner on and I would try and hide them in my toiletry bag. Now, however my boyfriend is pretty much immune to everything that happens down there! I had a box of pantliners on his chest of drawers when I stayed there often, I would stick them on my knickers in front of him and to be honest, it doesn’t really seem to bother him anymore. And I think he rocks for not caring.

Too often women are made to feel embarrassed or ashamed about normal and natural bodily functions. We’re told talking about periods is gross or that anything coming out of our vagina that isn’t related to how turned on we are is horrid. But I’m proud of my body and proud of my self-cleaning vagina. And so should you!! 

Have you ever been made to feel like you should be ashamed of vaginal discharge? Have you ever had an unfortunate incident....? 

I once went to the beach wearing a pantliner and did all the frolicking in the sea and had a whale of a time. I didn't wear a swimsuit or bikini as I hated my body but I still went in the sea with some fast drying clothes on! I must have been about 14 at the time. 

I was walking back home with a male friend from the beach when I felt something fall out of the bottom of my trousers. When I turned around to look MY GODDAMN PANTLINER WAS IN THE ROAD. Clearly the sea water affected the stickiness of the pantliner and it was no longer stuck to my underwear!! 

I was so embarrassed so just styled it out and pretended nothing had fallen out of my trouser leg...and I walked away and left it there. OH THE SHAME...
I learnt my lesson...never wear them when you're going in water!!! 

Now I've shared my embarrassing story, it's only fair you share yours!! 

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Age is Just a Number

We live in a society that makes a big issue of age, and make a lot of judgements and assumptions about people based on how old they are, and it's something I don't understand.

If you want to be taken seriously, you need to be an adult; don't expect society to really pay attention to what you say if you're a teenager or younger, or if you're elderly. Society will collectively smile and nod while you're talking, but roll their eyes once your back is turned. It's atrocious that teenagers are patronised and the elderly are thought past it, as if age is some sort of indicator for intellect or ability to understand, and you're only able to do so once you're no longer a teenager, but before you're - what, 50? 60? 70? What is "old", anyway?

I have two examples of you to show that these ideas, these stereotypes that we seem to take as fact, are complete rubbish. Malala Yousafzai, now 18, was shot at 14, and since recovering, has been campaigning for female education. Yousafzai started to really use her voice, which led to being nominated for the International Children's Peace Prize, before she was shot. The very reason why she was shot. Would you patronise her? On Thursday 21st April 2016, Queen Elizabeth II turned 90. Whatever you think of the Queen and the monarchy in general, you cannot deny how tirelessly this woman works, how informed she is, how her opinion is sought after. I don't think anyone could listen to the Queen speak and think she is past it. Yes, these women are two very public figures, they're not your everyday teenager or elderly person. But that doesn't mean that people in similar age brackets aren't just as smart, aren't just as worthy of being heard. Just because they're not on the TV or in the news doesn't mean they should be dismissed. Teenagers will have fresh ideas and a unique viewpoint for living in this world right now as young people, and older people have experience on their side. We should be listening to what they have to say; their opinions and views are just as important as our own.

I also want to touch on society's obsession with youth when it comes to women and beauty. It's such an incredibly sexist idea that as women age, they lose their beauty. This is something we see a lot with celebrities, with more women having plastic surgery to appear younger, yet it's perfectly ok for men to age, because they become silver foxes. It's a completely ridiculous idea because it simply isn't true. Ageing doesn't make women unattractive. Look at Helen Mirren, Maggie Smith, Celia Imrie and Julie Walters, for example. These women are beautiful. Not in spite of their age, but because they just are.

Because of the stereotypes and ideas about age, we also make assumptions about people and decisions based on how old we think they are - based on their appearance. I am 29, but most people still think I'm a teenager. I am constantly patronised because I look so young, and sometimes have my opinions dismissed if I disagree - because I'm just a teenager, and obviously, teenagers don't know anything. You have no idea how frustrating it can be. I don't mind so much people thinking I'm younger - except for when people my own age see someone much younger when they look at me, and so dismiss me - it's how I'm treated because of how old people assume I am that really winds me up. I feel like I constantly need to tell people how old I am, but I shouldn't have to; yes, I am 29, but even if I was a teenager, my views deserve to be heard. Don't shut people up because they are - or look - young.

On the other side of the coin, there are those who look older than they actually are. This is an idea EastEnders is currently exploring with Jay Mitchell, in his early 20s, who discovers that his girlfriend Linzi is only 14. This is a very delicate situation, and I'm really interested to see how it plays out on the soap. But it shows how you really can't make assumptions of age based on how someone looks, and how it could be dangerous territory. This is a grey area and a scary situation, and not something I have the answer to.* My point is that you shouldn't just assume.

Situations like this just further prove that a teenager's age doesn't necessarily mean anything when it comes to maturity, and the same can be said about any age. Except when it comes to the law, age simply doesn't matter; it's no indication of personality, intellect or level of maturity. Nor is it really any indicator of intent. There is so much judgement on the intentions of people where there is a bit of an age gap in a relationship. If a woman is going out with a man who is considered old, she's a gold digger taking advantage of the old fool - no matter how much money he has. If a man is going out with a woman who is quite a bit younger, he's a perv. Or possibly going through a midlife crisis, depending how close he is to being "old". If an older woman is going out with a much younger man, she's a cougar - which has an air of sexiness to it - but she's also a fool, because obviously her boyfriend is just taking her for a ride, also wanting to get money out of her. No-one considers that there might be real, genuine attraction on both sides, let alone that they might genuinely be in love.

Age is simply an indicator of how long a person has been living. It doesn't tell you anything about who they are, what they think, what they can add to a conversation, what their presence in your life could mean. So why is it so important? Age really is just a number, and we don't all show our age on our faces. We need to start remembering that.

*As I write, it is the morning of Tuesday 26th April 2016. I don't know how Jay's story has progressed over the week, and so this is not a comment on episodes shown after Monday 25th April 2016.



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