Friday 18 August 2017

Mental Health on Others

So I’ve talked a lot on this blog about how my mental health affects me – obviously because I can really only talk about my own experience but today I want to discuss how my mental health affects those around me, or rather how I believe my mental health affects others. Some may be true and some may be my brain just taking things further or making stuff up. So take this post with a grain of salt. I just wanted to talk about it as how mental health affects those around us isn’t talked about very often.

They get disappointed
Sometimes words aren’t spoken. Sometimes they are and it can become obvious that you’re disappointing people. Something which, in turn, often makes my Depression worse. Sentences such as “just eat it”, “just get over it”, or huffs and sighs are big neon signs that people are disappointed and frankly a little fed up.

They don’t understand
As much as they say they do, unless they have experienced something similar, they just struggle to comprehend what you’re actually going through. This especially happens when they downplay what is happening to you. “It’s just OCD”  “Yeah, I have to have my stuff tidy, I’m OCD too.”, “oh my god, do you really need to wash your hands again?”

They forget
We’re all human so it’s obviously fine, you’re not going to be in the forefront of their mind forever but sometimes they might stick their hand in your crisp packet or mention something really gross about germs or take you to an overly crowded place and just simply forget that it changes everything for you. They never do it to be mean but it can be the start of a chain reaction when it happens.

They worry about you
Maybe they say the words. Maybe they don’t but it’s just a look in their eye or constantly asking if you’re okay but it’s obvious that they’re worrying and just want to do what they can to make you feel better. Often feeling at a loss when there is nothing they can do, not realising that just by being there, they’re already helping.

They help you
Some people do and some people don’t and I think it really depends. I’ve had mini moments where I’ve done something outside of my comfort zone and no one says anything and it is the best feeling in the world because if someone was to point it out, it would make me feel uncomfortable. Other times people might let you take food from the buffet first or offer you hand sanitizer or open doors for you. Small gestures that mean a million to someone who is struggling internally.

They love you
This is the one to always remember. Even when people seem like they’re getting frustrated with you. Lately my mental health has been getting really bad – to the point where I am seriously considering upping my meds – and the one thing keeping me going is knowing that I have people who love me. People who will tell me that my brain is telling me horrid thoughts that aren’t true and will get fed up with you but won’t disappear either. Because they care, they worry. Because the love you, they just want to make sure that you’re okay.

So don’t forget that while it seems like you might be alone, you are never truly alone with mental health. I promise x



Friday 11 August 2017

Getting Ready to Swim

If you've been following Safe Space for a while or been following my personal blog then you'll know that I've been struggling for the past few years and that due to it exercise went straight out of the window. Fortunately, I am pleased to announce that last week I finally managed to make it to the swimming pool - and I even managed to conquer 32 lengths before calling it a day! Needless to say I was pretty ecstatic after that swim.

But that's actually not what I want to talk about today - I'm sure I'll give you the low down on how my active-ness is coming along in a few weeks time. Instead today I want to talk about the Swimming Pool Changing Rooms.

For this swim I ended up going to a swimming pool that I had never used before and the very first thing I noticed when I walked into the changing room was that there were no individual changing facilities (that I could see anyway). Instantly I felt like turning around and asking for a refund. I did not feel comfortable and my anxieties flared up like crazy. The only thing that kept me walking into the changing room was the desire to swim. I just had to get past the beginning step.

The problem is that I have no body confidence. I barely like being naked in front of myself, let alone in front of a room full of strangers. And yet all around me women were standing with their breasts hanging out while they got changed. They were doing all of this while holding conversations with their friends too.

And it is something I have never felt comfortable with and yet I know quite a few swimming pools don't have individual changing rooms. I just don't understand how you could feel comfortable stark naked in front of a bunch of strangers? Obviously no one will be explicitly looking at you - I hope - but how is it possible to just let it all hang out there and not worry?

This is the catch for me.

I hate my body. I worry about my body. But mostly I feel awkward, ugly and hate everything about my nakedness. I have a zillion stretch marks from puberty and gaining too much weight too quickly. Plus baggy skin and rolls of flesh that just flop everywhere and I'm not even going to get started on my breasts but let's just say I love bras. I love covering up my breasts and holding them in place. No one wants to see my breasts free - I am sure of it.

So I guess I want to understand how it's possible to just be free to get naked and shower and change in a women only changing room. Is it something I can learn to get used to or is it something that some people are just good at?

I remember at secondary school when we had PE that some of the females in my year group wouldn't exactly strip to nude but they'd be happy to whip tops and skirts off and parade around in their underwear while I did that shorts on underneath skirt before skirt comes off sort of changing.

Was this where I went wrong? If I had just stripped down to my underwear freely as a teenager, would I be more comfortable in a swimming pool changing room today?

Honestly I have no idea and even more honestly, I'm not sure I ever want to be comfortable in that environment.

What about you? Are you like me or are you comfortable being naked around other women? And do you have any advice for me?


Friday 4 August 2017

Thanks for the Memories

When one door closes, another opens.

There will always be light at the end of the tunnel.

Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

In case you are somehow unaware of the fact; break ups suck. Be they break ups out of a relationship or a friendship. Some part of your soul gets a little bit crushed and it can sometimes be hard to see a way out of the darkness that suddenly surrounds you.

Recently I let one of my friends go. That's the easiest way to describe it. Things between us had been strained for a while and after a lot of thinking, I made the decision that the hurt I was feeling, was not okay. I shouldn't have to feel this way. Friends should be there for each other, ready to shoulder us, to let us shoulder them, to protect us and to love us. Friendships should be easy. Yes, there may be fights and arguments but there should also be love and fun and happiness.

When that stops, when things turn sour, it's time to just move on. It doesn't mean that I no longer care. It doesn't mean that I regret my decision. But it does mean that I've decided enough is enough. It means that I realize that our friendship had run it's course and it was time to start on a new journey.

I know letting someone go is not easy. But you have to be willing to lose someone else before losing yourself.

Moving on isn't about not loving someone anymore and forgetting them. It's about having the strength to say I still love you, but you're not worth this pain. 

But I don't like dwelling on the negatives, so today I wanted to write a little post - which I'm sure this friend will never even see - that is about how even though we're no longer friends, I'm glad we were. I'm glad that I got close to you and that we got to spend some time together. I'm glad that we had fun and we had laughter, we had tears and we had hugs. Our friendship was a good one and one that helped me out a lot and one that I truly treasured - and in some respects always will.

I'm sorry that it's over now. I'm sorry that we couldn't make it work. But I know that where we are now is the best decision for us. I hope that the future for you will be bright. I hope that you get closer to the friends you have and create new friendships with other wonderful people who help to lift your spirit and keep you smiling. I wish you the best in life. I always have.

So thank you. Thank you for being my friend and for letting me share some time in your life. Thank you for spending some time in mine. We had some good times together that I will always remember fondly. And I will do that. I will remember the good times, not the bad times. Because I know we never meant to hurt each other. We did and it's done but maybe we can both just continue on with our lives now, learning to be better and loving others in a way we no longer can love each other.

Thank you for the memories.