I'm 28 years old and have only held down a full-time job for five weeks. I still live at home, whilst my younger brother left close to a decade ago. I always imagined that life would be different to this. I had high expectations and was constantly pushing myself to achieve so that my life looked perfect to those around me, but I now have no experience of working for close to three years and I feel woefully inadequate.
I was always very good at covering up my inadequacies. I wanted to look like I could hold it all together. Now, my social media feeds are filled with announcements of engagements and babies born to people my own age or younger, whilst all I see is what I’m not achieving. I see just how far I still have to go. I tell myself that who I am isn’t enough when those around me are doing so much more with their lives.
Who decided that having a career
and a family of your own are the only route to fulfilment? I don’t tell myself
how far I have come, believing that getting to this point in my life is
nothing. I’m one of many who live with suicidal thoughts, crippling depression
and anxiety. Still fighting, we have so much to be proud of and yet we write
off our days because we’re not where we thought we would be. #Stillbreathing isn’t
trending in spite of the numbers who can claim this as their greatest achievement
because we fail to see it as one.
What I am beginning to realise is that achievement
can be seen in so much more than having lots of people around you and thousands
of pounds in your bank account. Achievement is in being kind to
those around you regardless of how you feel. Achievement is in looking after
yourself even when you want to die. Achievement is in doing the very best you
can at this point in your life, even if that is through breathing in and out
again and again.
Life doesn’t follow a roadmap or a point by point checklist of
age-related goals. I’m not where I thought I would be at the age of 28. I haven’t
worked a full-time job for longer than five weeks and I still live at home. But
I am breathing and that is my greatest achievement of all.
Wow, this post hit a nerve with me as I am really struggling with feelings of worthlessness. I haven't worked now for coming up 5 years and I often feel completely pointless. My anxiety (and lack of skills) means getting a job is probably nigh on impossible and I don't even know if I want one or if I would just be getting one to make others think better of me.
ReplyDeleteI am very embarrassed when I meet people I haven't seen in years and they ask what I have been up to and I have literally nothing of importance to say.
The "What do you do?" question is one I always find difficult, Caroline, so I can understand that. Something that helps me is to remember that my worth doesn't come from what I do or what I have; it comes from who I am as a person. So even if we really struggle with anxiety or anything else, we can still be a valued person by being kind, by listening to others, and through what makes us unique.
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ReplyDeleteJoy this is such a powerful post,you made me a little tearful because you're right,society doesn't recognise how massive an achievement still being here is for so many people. Thankyou for reminding me.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your comment!
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