This Sad, Mad World

I have the highly unenviable task of needing to write a post today. This fucking day. I didn't want to write something upbeat and positive yesterday in case all our worst nightmares came true. And they did.

I have no words beyond expression of sorrow and anger on behalf of the people in the US who are going to feel the repercussions of this day for far longer than the next four years. For the People of Colour, the people of the LGBT+ community and other marginalised groups who did far more to try and prevent this awful outcome than the privileged white people who failed to comprehend the scale of the threat, I am so sorry. You didn't deserve this.

I'll be standing with you in the months to come.

Some wise people on my twitter feed have been posting & retweeting a lot of very insightful things today. I want their words to be heard instead of mine.

Heidi Heilig
Justina Ireland
S. Jae Jones
Kaye M. (@GildedSpine)
Maureen Johnson
Victoria Schwab

and many others that I'm sure you've seen. Keep sharing the tweets and posts that inspire you and raise up the voices of those who should be heard.

If you need to step away to process this whole shitstorm then I recommend you check out this thread by L.D. Lapinski which has some excellent suggestions for getting yourself and your mental health through this period. I know a *lot* of people have taken solace from it today.

That's all I've got today. I'm fervently wishing for a return of Hope, I'm betting I'm not the only one.

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Milestones without My Mum

I think it goes without saying that every day when you lose a parent at a young age is difficult. I’m 100% being truthful when I say that my mum pops into my mind every single day, even 5 years after her death. But there is something especially bittersweet about her absence when I’m about to hit a milestone.

My mum died of cancer when I was 15 years old, and she was my best friend. She came to all of my school concerts and plays, all of my riding lessons and shows as a child, every single parents evening and I know I was so lucky to have had a parent who could and would do that. Losing her at the age of 15 means that most of what people consider significant life events or milestones, I have experienced without her. My GCSE Results, my A Level results, my first kiss, my first time moving away from home, my 16th and 18th birthdays have all happened without her. And it’s not just these big events where I feel her absence; I remember wishing she could come and see my GCSE Drama production, or to see me off at the airport when I went to the USA for three months. Every birthday and Christmas is somehow tainted with her absence. And don’t even get me started on mother’s day.

For the first few years there was an extra factor into all of this; jealousy. It’s an ugly thing to think and I’m not proud of it but I couldn’t help but feel on my 16th birthday, or when I got my A level results that my brother got to do this with Mum. He’s three and a half years older than me and was in his first year of University when she passed away. She wanted to go up and help him move in, but she couldn’t due to being knee deep in chemo.

I remember opening my results for my GCSE’s quite vividly; I went alone because I didn’t want my dad to be there and he had work anyway. I went in, hands shaking and tore through the envelope. After a look through, I was pretty pleased with my grades and called Dad to tell him how he did. He was elated and very proud. After I hung up the phone, I almost went to make another call. But then I realised I couldn’t. I looked around the hall for my two best friends, who were both standing with their own mums a little way off. It felt like I’d been punched in the gut and I wanted to burst into tears. It felt so unfair that everyone else got to tell their mum’s how they did and I didn’t. I quickly composed myself though and got on with my day – I didn’t want to cry when I’d actually gotten pretty good results. I know that had she been alive I probably would’ve told her to stay at home as well, but it was the option to do so that I wanted. God, what I would’ve given to have been able to do that.

I found moving out to University for the first time particularly difficult. I remember having a dream the week before I was due to go. My mum and I were driving down a road, and then she was helping me unpack things in my room, and then we went to a café. I don’t remember the specifics but I remember feeling warm and happy. And then I woke up, and for a few blissful moments I thought it was true and would happen. And then reality crashed into me, that that was never going to happen. Moving in was okay in the end, but I was moving boxes and walking around my new campus feeling hollow and off the entire time. There were a few confused looks when I introduced my Dad and my Stepmum and I knew what they were thinking. What about her mother? Where is she? But most people didn’t ask. Apart from my flatmate later on that day, who I know got an answer she wasn’t entirely expecting. Not the best way to start off a relationship.

As I’m writing this, it is the night before I move into University for the second time. And I can truthfully say that I am in a much better place this time. A mixture of therapy and taking time to grieve and come to terms what happened means I am more accepting this time around of my situation. Maybe it’s because I’ve done it before and it’s not as ‘significant’ but I think it’s a good sign anyway. My 21st is later this year and I’m apprehensive as I always am for big birthdays because I just have no idea what I’ll feel like on the day. But I know in my heart that either reaction is totally okay. I do think about the future; how if I ever get married she won’t be there, if I ever have kids she won’t get to meet the grandchildren I know she so sorely wanted to meet. But I’m starting to accept this reality more than be angry about it – and I know that wherever she is, she’s watching, and she’s proud.

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A Gap Year in Review: Change is Good.

I’ve been sitting in my new (and temporary) bedroom all day thinking how to put a post together talking about my time out of education. How do I summarise 20 months of working and travelling and adventures into one post? I can’t, realistically. So we’ll just talk about something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.

My time out of education has taught me a lot and changed me as a person without a doubt. My stepmum even today commented on how different I was to the girl I was 2 years ago, about to go to University thinking it would be the best years of my life and would make everything better.

Well. It didn’t exactly go like that.

One Term. That’s how long I managed before all of the mental health crap I had been burying and burying throughout my GCSEs and A Levels came bubbling to the surface. It started off with bouts of sadness and self-hatred amongst other things. As I was leaving University, the crippling anxiety started that took over my life for six months. I was seeing a therapist for my grief at the time but we ended up mostly talking about my panic attacks.

And then I went to America. Three whole months of sun, summer and camping. Sounds great right? Well it was those things. But there were also tears, work reports, fighting and a lot of soul searching. My time at Camp was something I am eternally grateful for because it was what I needed, but it wasn’t all fun and games. And it was only after camp that I realised what it was that had been bothering me for so long.

I was completely stuck in the past. Long story short, and I’m sure I will make a more in depth post about this at some point, my mum died of cancer when I was 15 years old. She was my best friend. And I wanted to make her proud, even if she wasn’t here anymore to physically witness it. I wanted to be the girl I was when she was alive; bubbly, outgoing, lots of friends and very active. Since she passed away I had become more introverted and started staying in more talking to my friends online than going out on hikes and horse riding and all sorts.

I went to camp with all these expectations of making her proud, being a specialist counsellor who knew her stuff. It became apparent very quickly that after 4 years of barely being around horses, my knowledge was lacklustre and not up to scratch. They were pretty okay about it to be honest, offering me to change positions and when I look back on it I was rather rude. And it was because I felt like a failure, like I’d let her down and couldn’t be the person I was.

I know now that people grow. We change and develop and it’s just a part of life. Growing away from old friends, old hobbies and haunts is natural and perfectly okay. Yes there are things I miss about my old self and life, but things now aren’t so bad. I’m definitely not as ignorant as I once was, I’m far more confident and happy to spend time with myself too, and I’m also part of an awesome bookish community. I’m far more laid back than I was at the start of my time off (probably because I haven’t had a ridiculous essay deadline in 20 months!) and I like to think I’m a lot less judgemental of people than I was. Personal growth isn’t always something I’ve been able to deal with very well, constantly nostalgic for the past and my life before my mum died. But I know now that change is good, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time, and I’m proud of who I am today.

The next time I write a post on here, I’ll be in a dorm room in a small city in the middle of the country I’ve visited approximately once. I know now that University isn’t going to be the best thing ever, that all those wild expectations I used to have won’t necessarily come true. But it’s a new chapter and I’m excited to see where it takes me.

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Guaranteed Smiles

Recently I’ve found myself having a series of bad days. Whether due to my mental health, a loved one being ill or the sadness of current world events, over the last few months day after day I’ve found myself feeling low. Then a few weeks ago, I came to the realization that the things I’ve been feeling sad about I can’t change, not really. So I started thinking about what I could change. If I can’t change the sad things that are currently going on in my life and in the world then maybe I can create more happiness to try and balance things out a little.

So I took out my journal and made a list of all of the things that are guaranteed to make me smile and since then I’ve made it a personal goal to do as many of the things on this list as I can when I feel sad. It doesn’t solve any problems, and it doesn’t make the bad things go away but it does steady my mood and helps me to recognise the good things in my life. So today I wanted to share with you my list of Guaranteed Smiles, I’d really encourage any of you to write your own list and put those little rays of happiness into action during those times when life gets dark.

Get Some Fresh Air – Whether taking a short walk, sitting in my garden or simply opening up the windows of my house, getting some fresh air into my lungs helps clear the cobwebs of my mind and makes it easier to breathe when I’m feeling anxious.

Do Something Nice For Someone – This can be something as simple as making someone a cup of tea, paying them a compliment, or buying them a little gift just because. Doing something nice for somebody else makes them happy and in my experience is the most natural way of making myself feel happy in return.

Feel Good Reads- Reading is one of the easiest ways to escape the world for a little while and when I’m feeling sad I like to read something feel good to cheer myself up. Two books that have made me smile recently are You Know Me Well by David Levithan and Nina LaCour and The Plumberry School of Comfort Food by Cathy Bramley.

Pizza – Pizza solves everything.

Surprise Yourself by Jack Garratt – I absolutely love this song and always listen to it on days when I don’t feel like I can cope. The music video for this is incredible, it follows a group of people doing something they didn’t think they could do, if you haven’t watched it yet then you should!

Fresh Flowers – If I’m having a bad mental health day I find it hard to leave my house and so having fresh flowers in my room allows me to bring a little bit of outside in. I usually choose bright colours that will really catch my eye and brighten my space.

Meg – My little dog is such a goofball. She loves life and seeing her play and explore the world always makes me happy.

Pamper Evenings – Sometimes feeling good on the outside helps me to feel better on the inside too. Looking after my body and treating it to some me-time makes me feel great and gives me space to mentally get my thoughts together.

Making Fun Plans – This is a big one for me. Having something on the horizon to look forward to be it a day out or hanging out with friends gives me something good to focus on. Knowing something fun is coming up in the future makes getting through a hard day that little bit easier.

Red Velvet Cake – The ultimate comfort food.

Lighting a Candle – There is something so peaceful about flickering candlelight and if the candle has a beautiful scent even better.

Twitter Favourites – I usually favourite things on Twitter that have made me laugh, have given me faith in the world, or have made me feel valued and loved. Scrolling through a great big list of lovely things that other people have said really cheers me up.

Writing My WIP – I’m currently working on a Women’s Fiction project set in the countryside at Christmas. This WIP contains so many of my favourite things and features characters that I love. Writing it sweeps me away to a place that I love spending time in. It’s also nice to play God and to be able to take control of the world and characters for a while - even if it is only fiction!

Jane the Virgin – This show is a new discovery of mine and it’s so cute I can’t even deal. I recently finished watching the first season on Netflix and am waiting impatiently for them to add season two.

Journaling - Writing in my journal allows me to get all of my thoughts and feelings out in a private place and sometimes just getting them down on to paper is all that is needed for me to feel better and make sense of a situation.

Trying a New Look – Playing around with makeup is one of my favourite ways to get creative and express myself. When I’m feeling down I love trying out new makeup looks and find it fun to switch things up a little (I’m sure this stems from the many teen films I’ve watched where a makeover has solved all of the heroines problems.)

Chatting to Friends – This year I’ve learnt to be really honest with my friends when I’m struggling instead of keeping it all inside. I’ve learnt that it’s okay to lean on them when I need support and that being totally open and honest creates a deeper and more valuable friendship with the people you allow to get close to you.

Making a List of Achievements – It’s easy to look at the people around you and think that they have achieved so much more than you and are in a better place. Instead, when you find yourself thinking those thoughts, turn the focus on you. What have you achieved this year? Make a list of everything you’ve accomplished and take a moment to acknowledge your successes and feel proud of yourself.

I’d love to know, what would be on your list of Guaranteed Smiles?

If you enjoyed this post, you can find more on: 

 Bloglovin' | Twitter | Jess Hearts Books

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Proud of Being in Pride

When I planned out my Safe Space topics, I knew that June was going to be about sexuality. Its Pride month, and it seemed appropriate to shout about. I thought this would be a post about being bisexual, or the difficulties in getting dates, but instead, I want to talk about how Pride month this year has been different. 

For the past two years, i.e. as long as I’ve lived in London, I’ve volunteered at Pride. It has been a great way to meet new people. I enjoy being part of it, and have always had great fun afterwards in the depths of Soho.

Flashback to 2014, my first time volunteering at London Pride and meeting Dr Christian! #Pride #London #LGBT #LondonPride #Londonlife

A photo posted by Snuggling on the Sofa (@snugglingonthesofa) on Jun 26, 2016 at 4:48pm PDT

I knew this year was going to be a little different, because one of my best friends joined the Navy, and he was my go-to party friend. I also missed an interview for the role I wanted at Pride, because I had to work. So I dithered and dithered about what else to volunteer for. 

And then Orlando happened. 

I know that America has tons of shootings all the time, but this just really shook me. I don't know whether it was the scale of trauma, or the fact it occurred in Pride month, in a gay club, where people were dancing away. It could have easily been me. I attended a vigil in Soho with my friend Charlie the day after, but nothing really seemed to scratch the surface. 

Not to mention work has been extremely busy and what with all the Brexit drama, my Twitter timeline (i.e. my home) has been so full of despair. I convinced myself on Friday that going to Pride wasn’t a good idea. I just wanted to retreat into the Sim world where there is no segregation. 

And then Saturday morning, I got dressed, and just burst into tears. I don’t know what happened. I can’t even use the excuse of a soppy film. Maybe my outfit was that bad?! Anyway, I trekked into Central London with the view of doing some blogging, and obviously ended up on Twitter, and then I saw this. 

He said yes @LondonLGBTPride @MetLGBTNetwork @LGBTpoliceuk #policewithpride #ByYourSide #AB #DI #CA #AC #LH pic.twitter.com/9jOmlY33PH

— MET LGBT Network (@MetLGBTNetwork) June 25, 2016

 So yes more tears. But this time of hope, and love, and glad that these men chose this day, this parade and moment to express their love. And my heart burst. And I realised more than ever do I need to be part of it. So I went out and cheered on the parade, and met up with friends, and partied in Soho along with what felt like a gazillion other people.

While my 2016 Pride wasn’t what I thought it would be, it was a step forward in reaffirming my hope in the world, and a future where Love is Love and there is joy in society. Where people can express themselves freely and not live in fear. And even though I didn’t really make things happen this year, just by being part of the crowd, waving that flag and cheering people on, I stood together with people. And above all else, that’s what matters.

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