Work Work Work Work Werk

I HAVE A JOB, EVERYONE.

The job I spoke about at Clinton’s…the one they said ‘it’s not a no, it’s an I don’t know’ never got back to me again. BOOOOOOO.

BUT last week I got an email from one of my old managers at Waterstones asking if I would be willing to come in for an interview and GUYS, GUESS WHAT?! 

I’M A BOOKSELLER AGAIN AND I COULD NOT BE HAPPIER BECAUSE I LOVE BEING A BOOKSELLER MORE THAN EVERYTHING ELSE IN LIFE, EVEN CAKE.

And I wanted to be a really annoying, mother type figure today and give some tough love advice. If you have anxiety or agoraphobia and you don’t have a job. GET ONE.

Seriously.

Yes you will be shit scared but oh my god how AMAZING you feel when you get a job. You immediately have a greater sense of self-worth, you get to meet new people and make new friends, you learn to manage your anxiety but you also are DOING something which means you don’t have time to think about your anxiety.

I was petrified to go into work on Thursday because the last time I was on the train I had a panic attack. YAY. So I was shaking with nerves before I’d even left the house. Thankfully one of my gorgeous friends was a legend and rang me for twenty minutes whilst I waited for the train and got onto it and kept me distracted for part of the journey. And then I was on my own.

I got off the train, I went to Sainsbury’s to buy my lunch, I walked to the shop and then I started my first day back at Waterstones (I worked there for just under a year before) and MY ANXIETY WAS OK. I DID NOT DIE.

And that’s what I’m relearning…it is ALL in my head. The only reason I get anxious is because I overanalyse and worry about things that haven’t even happened. The reality is vastly different. Yes, I’ve had a few wobbly moments but they’ve passed quickly.

And in just TWO days of being back at work my confidence has grown so much.

On Thursday a man said I was wonderful, that because he now knew I worked in the shop he’d definitely be back. BE STILL MY BEATING HEART.

I helped a couple find the perfect book for their four year old grandchild on Friday and they were so thankful my heart melted a little bit.

I met a tiny dog called Daisy who barked the shop down but she was cute AF. (I nearly stole her)

Basically my life is amazing because I have a job again. I have a reason to get up every day, I get to meet so many new people every day, I get to earn money every day. I get paid to sell books. Basically could I be any luckier?!

All I want to say is: get a job. Stop with the excuses because that’s what I hid behind for so long. You CAN do it, OK? I promise you that you can. Try it, give it a go and see how much you will amaze yourself. I know it’s easy for someone to say that but I KNOW what it’s like to be at rock bottom and I know how hard it can be to get to the top again but I promise that finding something to do, even volunteering, will make a huge difference to your mental health.

Many employers are also very understanding now about mental health and you are protected under the Equality Act so you are entitled to reasonable adjustments to your workplace or work times for example if you struggle to commute during rush hour or you find that you work better in a room with a window, you prefer working from home, or you need time off for doctors appointments etc.

SO please, give it a go.

Pretty pleaaaaaaase.

Be brave xx

*mum mode disactivated* 

Read More

A Rambly Ramble

So, I did some things.

(Sorry for not posting two weeks ago btw, I was having an internet break because the internet can start to take over your life and it’s bad so yeah)

That interview I told you about? Didn’t get the job. DAGNABBIT. And, here’s the worst part: I CAME SECOND. I would have got the job if one person didn’t have more experience than me. Sighhhhh

But I have had another interview and I went to Primark by myself and I went the post office and library by myself and I walked 40 minutes home by myself and I AM STILL ALIVE. Cool eh?

Turns out going outside doesn’t always = death.

Don’t get me wrong, going outside still = PANIC in my mind. But it’s turning into manageable panic. And I’m starting to remember what it’s like to be in love with life again. Instead of walking down the street and panicking that the sky is going to fall down, YES THIS IS A LEGIT FEAR OK THANKS, I can walk down the road and listen to the birds and smile at other people walking past.

And I think this is what I always forget: I will never ever get rid of my anxiety.

Never. I have to live with it. BUT what I can do is learn to live with it and manage it in a way that makes ‘normal’ things more doable for someone like me. Going to the post office wasn’t massively straight forward, I had to turn around halfway there, calm myself down and then walk back again. 

BUT I DID IT. And I didn’t give up like I would have before.

Where am I going with this post? I’m not really sure.

I guess recently I’ve just realised that my anxiety doesn’t have to take over my life. It’s so hard when you’re in this dark pit of anxiety to think that there’s ever going to be a day when you won’t panic and even though I’ve managed to deal with it before…it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with it again.

But I’m doing it for ME. And I’m actually starting to like myself again. Whenever I achieve something I want to high five myself in the face SO HARD and celebrate how kick ass I am. Because mate, I posted a parcel all by myself today and that’s awesome. AND I had to wait in a queue for eight minutes (YES I COUNTED THE MINUTES ON THE CLOCK) and I hate queues and I hate people being behind me in queues and I feel trapped and the ceiling was low BUT I DID IT OK. 

I don’t think there’s ever going to be a day when I can say I AM NOT AN ANXIOUS PERSON. But, I feel like in the near future there will be a day when I can say I AM AN ANXIOUS PERSON BUT I AM ALSO A FUCTIONING HUMAN BEING WHO CAN DO LIFE STUFF.

And that’s gonna be an awesome day.

I might have a job, I might not. (Don’t ask – long story) but basically the job I was interviewed for might not actually be a job they can offer at the moment so it’s a case of ‘this is not a no, it’s a don’t know and we’ll let you know ASAP.'

SO CROSS YO FINGERS FOR ME.

Maaaaan I can’t wait to earn money again and feel like I have some ounce of worth. And it may be the little things but if I have a job then I can buy CHRISTMAS PYJAMAS AND CHRISTMAS BEDDING AND DO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING AND YAY. The thought of getting into a snuggly bed with new Christmas sheets and Christmas pyjamas and a big snowy candle and fairy lights and a book makes me want to die with happiness.

If I can do that by the end of this year then basically YES TO 2016.

The moral of this post: you a bad ass bitch and you can do whatever you want. Don’t let anyone or anything say differently. 

Sorry, I just love cats. 

Read More

Feel The Fear

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

It’s one of those quotes that you hear time and time again (especially as an anxious person) and after a while it just becomes words that you hear rather than a sentence with real meaning. 

The words began to drift over my head, so used was I to feeling the fear and not doing it anyway because: fear.

I did something a bit crazy on Friday. 

I went for a job interview. 

The first job interview I’ve had in over a year. 

The first job interview I’ve had since I had a minor blip in my mental health (read: yearlong battle with agoraphobia.)

I did it.

I actually did something that scared me shitless.

And I survived.

I’d love the job, it’s perfect for me in an environment that I feel safe and calm in. (A university bookshop. Books, bookish people, BLISS.)  But if I don’t get the job then I won’t be sad for long because in having the interview I’ve reminded myself that I am strong, brave, independent, knowledgeable, polite and friendly; in fact for the first time in a long time I finally felt genuine, smile inducing, tummy dancing pride in myself. And that’s rare. But it’s beautiful.

There’s nothing like feeling proud of yourself and not needing to seek validation for that feeling from anyone but yourself. I walked out of the interview with the hugest grin on my face, an extra bounce in my step and a happy heart. Not only had I crushed my anxiety, I’d also managed to have a good interview. (well, good in my opinion anyway!) And I finally had ammunition to fire at the negative voices in my head; they couldn’t get a word in!

I felt the fear and I did it anyway.

Don’t get me wrong…I was shaking with fear as I was eating my breakfast on Friday morning. I kept thinking I needed a wee on the journey there. I had a dry mouth as I approached reception to inform them I had arrived. But then as soon as I was greeted by a bookseller to show me around, something happened inside of me and I just felt this almost serene calm wash over me. I could do this. I had the knowledge, the passion, the experience for the job. I could only do my very best; that’s all anyone can ever do. And even though I was still a little anxious (a normal, understandable level of nerves before an interview) I wasn’t overwhelmed by the feelings that often plague me. For once I felt in control of my anxiety.

And I think the main reason why so many anxious people can't feel the fear and do it anyway is because we have such low levels of self-confidence and self-esteem. We underestimate our ability to cope, we’re told by people around us that we need to stop letting the anxiety control our lives and we feel like we’re drowning in a sea of failure. And it’s hard, so hard, to get out of that pattern of thinking. To take a step outside of the comfort zone and think, ‘I’m going to try this.’

It’s never easy to put yourself into a position where there’s a possibility of failure.

But when you do, it can be so rewarding.

I’m by no means ‘cured’ but I am on the road to recovery. I am slowly widening my boundaries again, taking time to remind myself that I can do whatever I put my mind to, telling myself that I need to live my best life and not let stupid adrenaline and annoying thoughts get in the way.

And I’m doing it for me. 

No one else. 

Not my family or my friends. 

For me.

If you suffer with anxiety and you feel like you can’t feel the fear and do it anyway, trust me, you can.

Build slowly up to it, take small steps, reward yourself every time you succeed. Keep moving forward as slowly as you need to. Remind yourself that YOU are in control. Think of the life you want to lead and keep striving for it. Remind yourself you’re brave and strong and amazing. Don’t let fear steal your life from you.

BE BRAVE.

Feel the fear and do it anyway. 

Read More