6 Month Anniversary: What Safe Space Has Taught Us

Today marks the 6th month anniversary of Safe Space and boy has time flown! Since starting Safe Space I’ve definitely gone on a journey and changed as a person and so today to celebrate the 6 month mark, the Safe Space team are sharing how being a part of Safe Space has changed them and what we’ve learnt about ourselves along the way.

Jess: I can’t believe that Safe Space is already six months old! I’m so proud of what we’ve achieved in that time and am excited to see what is to come in the next six months. When I first had the idea for this blog, I had a very clear vision in my mind of what I wanted this website to be and I feel very lucky that I’ve been able to work with some wonderful women who have already made that dream a reality.

Since creating Safe Space, I have learnt so much about both blogging and myself. I’ve learned new skills, how to write personal articles and how to manage and organize a team. But what has stuck with me the most is what I have learnt from reading the posts written by my co-bloggers. I’ve learnt about their individual experiences as women, how they grew up, and the things they’ve struggled with in life. As I’ve gotten to know each of them a little better through their posts over time, I have learnt that I am not alone with my thoughts and feelings. Before starting this blog I never could have imagined how many times I would read a post and relate so strongly to what’s been said. Online it’s very easy to only see the highlights of other people's lives, you never get to know what is really going on behind the scenes, you don’t get to see those days of self-doubt and insecurity, nobody wants to document the bad days. I feel very honored that so many women have shared their personal experiences on this blog and I’m proud of the supportive and honest space we have created together that doesn’t shy away from showing the good, the bad and the ugly of growing up as a woman.

I think the most important thing that Safe Space has taught me is that I have a voice. I have thoughts and opinions that mean something and when shared with other people, have the power to change things. Being able to be so open and honest and get such fantastic feedback has given me more confidence in myself and what I have to say. Safe Space has taught me so much in such a short time and I’m looking forward to seeing what else I learn about myself in the future.

Faye: The first thing I feel I should mention on this post is that I almost didn’t join Safe Space. When Jess first advertised looking for bloggers I was unsure if I could commit to it but then Jess finally, somehow, talked me round until I agreed and I am so glad she did because Safe Space is a blog that I love so much. It has taught me so much, I’ve grown in confidence both in person and online, I feel like I’m a much better person now than I was six months ago and while that isn’t all down to this blog, I know that a lot of it is because of this blog.

For example, six months ago I never would have gone out to a restaurant alone and I have now done this three times (thank you Debbie!), I never would have had the guts to come out of the closet (yay!), I never would have had the confidence to start wearing dresses again (thank you Jess!) or to not shave for a long time (thank you Jo!) or to even consider not wearing a bra (thank you Caitlin!). I have learnt so much from all of the amazing women who are a part of the Safe Space team and I feel like I can call them my friends too. They’re all so inspiring and wonderful.

In the last six months, I also believe (correct me if I’m wrong!), my writing has grown stronger as I become more confident of stepping into the limelight and shining it brightly on all of my issues. I feel stronger, prouder, and less alone. So for that, I just want to thank Jess again for creating Safe Space and for helping to convince me to join the team.

Laura: Woweee! Six months?! It feels like yesterday I started as part of the Safe Space Team. But what a lovely six months it has been; the ladies in this team feel like close friends and I love them all so much!

The biggest thing I’ve learnt during my time writing for Safe Space is that you really can’t ever judge a person because you will never know what’s going on behind the scenes in their life. I always like to think I’m very empathetic and try my hardest to be non-judgemental about every facet of my life but sometimes it’s hard. However Safe Space has constantly reminded me that just because people look like they’ve got their shit together, they might actually not have said shit together at all. I’ve been so proud of the stories, experiences and love that has been shared through the 100 posts we’ve managed to write so far! I feel so lucky to know such an inspiring, brave and beautiful team of women and know that even though they’ve been through hell and back, they’re still smiling, still going and willing to share their experiences with others in the hope that it’ll help someone else.

Personally, I’ve found writing a lot of the posts to be a very cathartic experience allowing me to re-live memories or talk about how I’m feeling without censoring myself at all. I’ve always found writing helps me to sort my head out and gives me a chance to explore how I feel and I’ve learnt a lot about myself in the past half a year whilst writing my posts. I feel like Safe Space is a genuinely safe place to talk about things without fear of judgement or ridicule and I am so thankful to Jess for starting up such a great place on the internet!

Long live Safe Space!!

Ray: Over the last 6 months I have written 11 posts for Safe Space and honestly? Sometimes I’m still not sure if I deserve to be be part of this team of amazing women who write so brilliantly and eloquently on such important subjects. I said as much in my first post and the feeling has never entirely gone away.

Blogging for Safe Space has been a painfully cathartic experience at times and I’m not sure if I’m a better person for it...yet. It’s fairly safe for me to say that this year has been a slow slide into the worst period of mental health that I can recall. I spent most of July tearing through books like they were giving me oxygen and finally cracked the tightly-sealed bottle of “shit I don’t talk about to anyone” enough to actually admit that I was feeling like hell to some of the most important people in my life.

I do think that being a part of Safe Space has helped me in that I’ve felt less alone with some of the mess in my head and it’s given me the confidence to open up to other people when before I would have simply bottled up my darker thoughts and feelings so I didn’t bother anyone with them. But I think there’s still quite a way to go for me - hopefully my fellow Safe Spacers will continue to inspire me to take the steps I need to get myself back on more stable ground. Here’s to the next 100 posts.

Debbie: Most of the time I still feel like a Safe Space fraud, as my posts are so far between, and also I don’t feel they are half as amazing as the other girls, but I am so grateful to be part of the team. One of the things that has surprised me most about the past six months is how much I’ve learnt. Not just factual things such as about feminism or medication, but also personally about my fellow bloggers and those I am lucky enough to call my friends. It has definitely brought me closer to my lovely flatmate Faye, as we have often hashed out Safe Space ideas together and talked about our worries and fears about posts. Every month I still panic about what to write and whether it will be good enough or important enough, but if I am taking away anything from the 6 months of Safe Space it is this: just be brave, in whatever way you feel comfortable with. I’ve witnessed the other girls take so many amazing steps, and I can’t wait to see what comes next!

Jo: I can’t believe six months has gone by already! It feels like we’ve been blogging together for forever, but also feels like it’s flown by!

Safe Space has done so much for me as a writer. I’d had my own writing/lifestyle blog, Jo’s Scribbles, for maybe a little over a year before joining Safe Space, but I had only really started trying to post regularly a month before Jess sent out a request for people to become members of Safe Space. Despite book blogging and studying Journalism at uni, I was full of self-doubt about writing about things that are important to me. “Would anyone care? There are so many people saying these things better than you, why bother? Why would anyone read what you write?” But with Safe Space, I have a set day every two weeks, which got me writing more regularly, and as there are a group of us, the pressure was off me to provide all the interesting content, so it felt like a good idea. But what I wasn’t expecting was finding such good friends in the Safe Space team members; friends who read each other’s posts, friends who give feedback, and friends who are constantly encouraging and complimentary about each other’s posts. And that’s on top of our wonderful readers who genuinely enjoy our posts and say such lovely things. Being a team member of Safe Space has made me so much more confident in my writing, in what I have to say - so much so that not only do I now write about whatever topic I feel I have something to say about here and on my own blog, but I’m now a regular contributor to other online platforms after becoming confident enough to pitch my writing to them.

I’m also more comfortable in sharing my opinion on, how I feel about, or my experience of a topic and confident in my voice. It doesn’t matter if people disagree or if other people have said something similar before, what I have to say is important, and my experiences and thoughts are unique to me. And, sometimes, what I write helps others, makes them think, or inspires them. That’s such a wonderful thing to be able to do for other people, and not something I would have ever imagined I’d be in a position to do. I have come on leaps and bounds since joining Safe Space, and I will be forever grateful to Jess for allowing me to be a part of something so wonderful. Safe Space is such fantastic place that makes others feel less alone - myself included.

And, finally, being a member of Safe Space and reading my fellow team members posts on mental illness partly led to me realising I have one myself and getting the help I need. And I’ve had such wonderful support from my fellow team members. Safe Space has literally changed my life.

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Feel The Fear

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

It’s one of those quotes that you hear time and time again (especially as an anxious person) and after a while it just becomes words that you hear rather than a sentence with real meaning. 

The words began to drift over my head, so used was I to feeling the fear and not doing it anyway because: fear.

I did something a bit crazy on Friday. 

I went for a job interview. 

The first job interview I’ve had in over a year. 

The first job interview I’ve had since I had a minor blip in my mental health (read: yearlong battle with agoraphobia.)

I did it.

I actually did something that scared me shitless.

And I survived.

I’d love the job, it’s perfect for me in an environment that I feel safe and calm in. (A university bookshop. Books, bookish people, BLISS.)  But if I don’t get the job then I won’t be sad for long because in having the interview I’ve reminded myself that I am strong, brave, independent, knowledgeable, polite and friendly; in fact for the first time in a long time I finally felt genuine, smile inducing, tummy dancing pride in myself. And that’s rare. But it’s beautiful.

There’s nothing like feeling proud of yourself and not needing to seek validation for that feeling from anyone but yourself. I walked out of the interview with the hugest grin on my face, an extra bounce in my step and a happy heart. Not only had I crushed my anxiety, I’d also managed to have a good interview. (well, good in my opinion anyway!) And I finally had ammunition to fire at the negative voices in my head; they couldn’t get a word in!

I felt the fear and I did it anyway.

Don’t get me wrong…I was shaking with fear as I was eating my breakfast on Friday morning. I kept thinking I needed a wee on the journey there. I had a dry mouth as I approached reception to inform them I had arrived. But then as soon as I was greeted by a bookseller to show me around, something happened inside of me and I just felt this almost serene calm wash over me. I could do this. I had the knowledge, the passion, the experience for the job. I could only do my very best; that’s all anyone can ever do. And even though I was still a little anxious (a normal, understandable level of nerves before an interview) I wasn’t overwhelmed by the feelings that often plague me. For once I felt in control of my anxiety.

And I think the main reason why so many anxious people can't feel the fear and do it anyway is because we have such low levels of self-confidence and self-esteem. We underestimate our ability to cope, we’re told by people around us that we need to stop letting the anxiety control our lives and we feel like we’re drowning in a sea of failure. And it’s hard, so hard, to get out of that pattern of thinking. To take a step outside of the comfort zone and think, ‘I’m going to try this.’

It’s never easy to put yourself into a position where there’s a possibility of failure.

But when you do, it can be so rewarding.

I’m by no means ‘cured’ but I am on the road to recovery. I am slowly widening my boundaries again, taking time to remind myself that I can do whatever I put my mind to, telling myself that I need to live my best life and not let stupid adrenaline and annoying thoughts get in the way.

And I’m doing it for me. 

No one else. 

Not my family or my friends. 

For me.

If you suffer with anxiety and you feel like you can’t feel the fear and do it anyway, trust me, you can.

Build slowly up to it, take small steps, reward yourself every time you succeed. Keep moving forward as slowly as you need to. Remind yourself that YOU are in control. Think of the life you want to lead and keep striving for it. Remind yourself you’re brave and strong and amazing. Don’t let fear steal your life from you.

BE BRAVE.

Feel the fear and do it anyway. 

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Milestones

One thing I hate about the way we’ve grown accustomed to living life is to measure it in milestones.

Birthdays, engagements, moving out, getting a job, getting married, having a baby…they’re all huge signposts in life that seem to be what most people strive for. However sometimes it becomes a little overwhelming and the small, more important milestones go by unnoticed by most people.

I wish there was a social media site for those with mental health problems where we could be brutally honest. Can you imagine the status updates?!

Got out of bed today. #winning

Didn’t die after making a phone call. #lifegoals

Managed to go the whole day without binging and purging. #gome

Wouldn’t it be great if we felt the freedom and courage to share such important milestones to everyone else? But it’s hard because to ‘everyone else’ getting out of bed or making a phone call or eating food and then not making themselves sick after it are things they do without even really thinking about it. They don’t see these things as milestones because they’re just normal, everyday occurrences for them.

Instead we have social media where people constantly aim to share their best lives…the best selfies, the coolest status updates about what they’re doing, pictures of an engagement ring, bragging about holidays booked, showing off their relationship, baby pictures…

And we all do it. I do it. I use my Facebook page to share my best life but it’s not a very accurate representation of my real life at all.

This time last year I was in a horrendous place. I couldn’t get out of bed in the mornings without panicking, I couldn’t leave my bedroom – even going to the toilet was enough to send me into a panic attack. I found it almost impossible to walk down the stairs and spend time downstairs in my house. I couldn’t have a bath; instead I’d have to quickly wash at the sink because it minimised the time I had to spend away from my safe place. I was going through an incredibly tough time.

When I compare that to now, I have achieved SO much. I get out of bed every day and get dressed. I can spend time anywhere in the house now without my anxiety become overwhelming. I have a bath every day. I spend time in the garden. Last Friday I went out to my nan and grandad’s house (over 20 minutes away) for dinner and I didn’t die. I’ve walked round the block a few times.

And in my world, in my small little Laura world, these things are fucking giant milestones. But the trouble is because they’re so small’ and insignificant to ‘most people’ in the world, they’re not seen as milestones at all. It’s all just me being lazy or still not having a job yet or not leaving the house.

Because I haven’t shared every single minute of my recovery on social media, people don’t know what I’ve managed to achieve in this past year. They don’t know that I’ve overcome suicidal thoughts,  that I’ve gone from being incredibly frightened to be in the same room as someone else to being comfortable in a room of eight or nine people, that having an hour long bath routine is an achievement after previously being too scared to even put a foot in the bath.

‘Normal’ people take having a bath for granted or not realising that being able to walk out their front door without fear is something I long to be able to do every day. No one congratulates them on doing it because it’s just not a big thing for most people. Whereas marriage and babies and holidays are…they’re the things that people share about their lives on the internet.

My therapist used to call it the compare and despair mechanism. I’d compare myself to someone on social media and despair that my life wasn’t like theirs. She used to tell me that nothing you see on social media is trustworthy. You know that what everyone shares are the best moments…the things they want to show off or get likes for or get validation about to make themselves feel better.

And it’s true. And a lot of the time it makes me wish I could delete Facebook and Twitter and Instagram and just live a stripped back, less technology dependant life. Wouldn’t it be amazing to just go back to speaking to people on the phone or via text when you needed them? Sharing news face to face instead of seeing it pop up on your timeline and ‘liking’ it.

The main reasons I don’t delete my accounts are

1. FOMO (because god forbid something happening that I don’t get to like or react to because I don’t have social media)

2. Communication (how will I be able to interact with friends I only have online? How can I talk to people about books I’ve loved or things I’ve enjoyed?)

And I hate that I’ve become so reliant on social media!!! I hate that I spend my life comparing myself to others. That I seek validation through the number of likes I get on a status update or a tweet. Why have I conditioned myself to care so much about what other people think about me? (I mean, this is a whole other topic!) Sorry I love a tangent.

But, in all seriousness, we need to stop feeling like we are failing because we are not hitting the milestones other people seem to be reaching before us. We each have our own story to write, our own path to take and we all move along it at different times and in a way that suits us. Just because three people have got married on Facebook this week alone, doesn’t mean that you managing to get dressed today isn’t an incredible milestone in itself.

So whenever I see gorgeous people getting married, shiny sparkly rings, baby scan photos, sandy white beaches and skinny bodies encased in expensive bikinis I know that these people are reaching their own milestones. And that’s awesome for them. But I’m also reaching my milestones and I’m growing and learning and getting better every day and that’s what’s important. So what if people think that my life is boring and I’m lazy and whatever crap they want to think…I know the truth, the struggles that I’ve managed to face and overcome. And I’m proud of myself for that.

And you should be too. You should be proud of all the milestones you manage to hit regardless of how silly they might sound to other people.

And, just to make you feel better here’s the Facebook update I’d love to publish right now:

Today was a mix of good and bad. I sat in the sun for most of the day reading a book but I also was really scared the sun was making my head too heavy and that it was going to make me collapse and die because it was so hot. And then I spent a good while overthinking a lot of things and wondering if actually I’m a good person and then I looked at myself in the mirror and thought ‘oh god, I’m gross’. Then I had a bath and got into bed and was going to do lots of productive writing but I was too lethargic to do anything so I just lie naked like a beached whale in front of a fan wondering if I’m living my best life. 

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Life Turns On A Dime

There’s a saying: ‘life can turn on a dime’.

And in the past few weeks I’ve never understood this phrase more. I got dumped. I suddenly fell in love with exercise. My diet is literally the sort of diet I used to think was grim as hell. I am pushing myself to deal with my anxiety. From where I was a month ago my life is completely different in so many ways. And it shocks me how fast we can change the direction of our lives, whether it’s through our own choice or someone else’s.

And it got me thinking. If you could change anything about your life what would it be? Would you be healthier? Would you be braver? What would you change? What’s something you desperately want?

And then think about this…

What is it that is stopping you from doing it?

Yourself?

Others?

Society?

Now think again, if you take away the boundaries that YOU set for yourself. The boundaries that people who know you set around you. The boundaries that society sets…

NOW what’s stopping you?

I’mma guess nothing.

Because the only reasons we stop ourselves from doing the things we REALLY want to do is because we allow these boundaries to act as immovable walls.

NO.

PUSH THROUGH THEM.

Want to be healthier? Teach yourself self-love, self-compassion and treat your body like the temple it fucking is. People telling you that you’ll fail? You’re not good at sticking to things? Tell them to get out and go and sort their own problems out before they start passing judgement on you. Society telling you you’ll never be as hot as all the sexy women of the world? Even if you’re healthy you’ll never be like them? SCREW THAT.

DON’T LET ANYTHING STAND IN YOUR WAY.

So often we think we can’t do things because we tell ourselves we can’t and then people we know and society help validate those feelings of inadequacy. And then we think ‘I can’t do it so I’m not going to even try.’

For YEARS I’ve thought I’d NEVER be able to lose weight and that I’d just have to accept I’d always be fat. And people just sort of perpetuated those feelings…’you’re not very good at sticking to healthy eating’ etc. But I got an exercise bike, some weights and started to eat less processed food and suddenly I realise that I CAN lose weight. I CAN get fitter, stronger, healthier. And that’s because I smashed through the wall. When I was using my exercise bike, looking like a fat whale, sweat dripping off me and a red face I was like ‘this is gonna be pointless because I’ll never be sexy or thin or strong’ and then I was like ‘NO WAIT. I WILL BE. I CAN BE.’ And I kept pedaling and that was my metaphorical wall that I knocked down. I realised that the only thing that EVER stopped me from achieving what I wanted was ME. And my fear of being laughed at or failing or never getting there.

But you know, isn’t it worth trying? Isn’t it worth failing than never trying at all? Isn’t it worth taking a hammer to the wall? You might not get through to the other side first time but every time you try you make those bricks looser and soon you’ll find you get through that wall.

Make a decision, let life change on a dime for you. Do something you never thought you could.

You’ll surprise yourself. 

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Pink Power

This week has been a shit week but has reminded me how much Elle Woods is my hero.

She is one badass woman who gives every other woman the chance to feel empowered when really all they want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

I thought today I’d share my favourite Elle Woods quotes from the movies and musical that might give you a little boost when you’re feeling down or give you some extra motivation when you need it most. I must admit I am a HUGE Legally Blonde fan. I know the movie off by heart and I may have seen the musical twice…

When representing her Delta Nu alumni client, Brooke, Elle brings up a very important fact about exercise:

I just don't think that Brooke could've done this. Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't.

Lesson learnt here: exercise makes you happy AND can also keep those feelings of hate at bay.

***

When a scheming saleswoman tries to sell Elle a dodgy dress for her engagement dinner:

It's impossible to use a half-loop stitching on low-viscosity rayon. It would snag the fabric. And you didn't just get it in - I saw it in the June Vogue a year ago. So if you're trying to sell it to me for full price, you've picked the wrong girl.

Lesson learnt here: don’t take shit from no one. Stand up for yourself and trust your instinct and own intelligence.

***

Being true to yourself never goes out of style.

PREACH DAT GURL.

***

When Warner realises the error of his ways and comes grovelling back to Elle:

Though I dreamed of this day long ago,

Now my answer is thank you, but no.

Look, I've barely begun; I'm hardly through...

I was living in ignorant bliss,

'Til I learned I could be more than this! (Gestures to her hair.)

And, you know, in a way I owe it all to you!

I though losing your love was a blow I could never withstand...

Look how far I have come without anyone holding my hand.

I had to find my way.

Lesson learnt here: always remember that things will get better; even if it hurts at first, you will find that in time everything falls into place again and you can learn to live a new way. Heartbreak doesn’t have to equal misery.

Basically if you’re feeling shit, get a duvet, a bar of chocolate and watch Elle Woods kick some ass. Cos it’ll make you feel a million times better. Fact. 

I'm off to do exactly that. 

BEND AND FUCKING SNAP. 

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