The Last Year of My 20's

It's here. The final year of me being in my twenties. 

The last couple years, I've hardly noticed the age I am. Mostly because my age hasn't really been on my mind or if it has it because people don't quite believe my actual age when I tell them. Being sick since I was 22 meant that my birthdays weren't really celebrated like the used to be. I didn't go out drinking or clubbing like I did in my university years, I felt too unwell to do that or I didn't want to risk being sick afterwards. And as my IBD developed and became harder to treat, I was just too damn tired to want to celebrate. 

This year, well, I want to do something.

The thing is, I don’t know what.

I always felt pressurised to want to do something on my birthday, every year, since I can remember. And whilst sickness got in the way, I was glad I was too unwell to do anything huge and planned and ‘epic’. That specific pressure has gone – meaning that I don’t let it control me as much as I used to; a silver lining cloud to living with a chronic illness, I guess – but it’s been replaced with an age specific one.

NEXT YEAR I WILL BE THIRTY.

Thirty; when I was a young eighteen, felt like a million years ago. Slowly but surely, time ticked on and its next year now.

I feel the pressure to have my life together and settled down by then.

I feel the pressure to have a plan on what I am going to do and everything like that.

I feel some pressure to make a life with my partner now; it’s been five years already.

And whilst some of those things definitely spur me on to get on with my life – my new life now with my ostomy makes those things ‘achievable’ – the others make me sad.

I don’t feel close to thirty. I don’t feel or look my age. Why is that a bad thing, again?

Thirty seems to be the age when your life should be sorted and you’re working towards later life. But I’m only just now starting to find my career path. I am only just moving away from my family home. I am only just beginning my life with a new sort-of anatomy. For me, life is beginning now and it is not going to be sorted and settled by the time next year rolls around. But still, there is the pressure. It’s a dull throb in the back of my head. It mostly goes away but when it is right up there, causing me metaphorical pain; I listen to it. When I know I shouldn’t.

What is perceived to be ‘normal’ and ‘done by this age and time in life’ is bullshit. I spent my twenties unsure of myself and my life, then sick and wondering how on earth I was going to get my life back together again. I would compare myself and my lack of achievements to those of all my university acquaintances. It did not make me feel better, but it was a hard cycle to break. People kept achieving big life goals – marriage, buying houses, kids, new careers and promotions – and all I did was bounce from pointless job to pointless job with some stints in hospital in between.

What I do know now is that it takes some personal strength and resilience to stand up for yourself and not let other achievements get you down. You have plenty of your own goals to set and smash. You have plenty of time to figure things out, it doesn’t happen overnight, there is no quick fix. But! Hard work, determination and belief will get you far. They will help you go far.

And so what, if by the time I’m thirty I’m still not ticking all those big life goals?

I’ve got my own goals. Smashing them in my own slow and steady way.

It was the tortoise who won the race, after all.

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Where is Home?

Until very recently, I had always been very firm about where my home was. I had always lived in a little corner of North West London, and had only moved once in my life about 5 miles down the road. Then in the space of a month, my parents uprooted to the South Coast, and I moved again back up to the Midlands. It was a bit hectic and rather confusing, and I’m still trying to process it all.

I’ve been at University here for about 6 weeks now, and I seem to be coping relatively well so far. Things are busy, but I quite like them being busy and I’ve made a group of friends and enjoying my course. There is one thing that has been bothering me since I’ve moved here though, and that’s that I’m not really sure where home even is anymore.

For most of my friends here, it’s simple; they’ve always lived in the same area and still do, and that’s home. It’s a little more complicated on my side. For me, I think, London will always be my home. It’s my favourite city in the world, it’s where I grew up and where so many life-changing events happened to me. It’s where all of my friends are in the holidays and everything is familiar. I don’t have to think about how the tube works or the times of the buses, how late everything is open or where I need to go to get something. It’s a diverse and open-minded city with things going on all the time that I can just escape into and find something new. I’ve been to visit a few times since I’ve been at University, and every time I step off at St. Pancras station, I feel so happy and relaxed.

I did spend three weeks in that town on the south coast, and whilst I know all my stuff and some of my family is there, I just can’t call it home. The house is unfamiliar and not mine, it takes a half hour walk to get to any form of civilisation and I have nobody there besides my dad and some of my stepfamily. Part of this struggle, I think, is that I haven’t been able to go back since I moved to University, for a number of reasons. The first is that, I just find it easier to settle into a place if I don’t leave it for a while. Second is money and time; a train from the midlands to the south coast is not direct, nor cheap and I can’t really afford the train tickets nor the 5 hour journey to get there. There have been many weekends here my friends have headed off home and it’s been making me think about where that is a lot.

Last weekend I spent my first nights away from my University town, in the centre of London with a friend. I was worried that it was going to make me homesick and not want to go back, that I was going to go back to University and hate every minute I wasn’t back in London.

But, as I boarded the train due north and sat in my seat, I had an odd, comforting thought that I couldn’t wait to get back to my pokey student room and see my friends and get back to the town. I was filled with relief that my excursion back to my home city hadn’t made me incredibly sad, and in fact had made me realise how attached I had become to this little city in a few short weeks. It’s definitely no London, and I have to say I do miss being able to attend all the book events I used to when I lived in London. But for now, this little city in the middle of the country really isn’t such a bad place to call my new temporary home.

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Letters To Our Sixteen Year Old Selves

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I’m sure that we all have things we wish we could go back in time and tell our past selves. So today I’ve pitched the question to the Safe Space team:

If given the chance what would you tell your sixteen year old self?

Older and wiser maybe now we have the perfect advice to give to our younger selves now that we know the outcome of the experiences that we were struggling to navigate at sixteen years old and perhaps there is somebody out there reading this in a similar situation looking for some guidance too.

~ Jess ~

Dear Jess,
If I could travel back in time and give you a massive hug right now I would, because I know you could really do with one. I know you feel scared and alone, the wonderful boyfriend who was so lovely to you at the start of your relationship has been not so wonderful lately. I’d love to be able to say that things will get easier soon and that it’ll all be over but you’re going to have to be brave for a while longer. I can promise though that the right time and perfect opportunity will come for you to leave this relationship and you’ll do it safely without ever looking back. These dark times will end. 

The friends in your life who you think are so important now won’t be ten years down the line. Don’t worry so much about what they think and say, they’re not part of your future. At this moment in time you’ll find yourself wanting to be independant from your family but don’t push them too far. Family is more important than you realise right now. Try to let them in more. As grown up as you feel you don’t know everything about the world and still need your parents.

Soon a big, beautiful, black dog will be joining your family. You have no idea how much he will come to help you in the years to come. This furry bundle of joy will become your closest companion, he’ll make you laugh every day and will cuddle up to you when you’re sad. Give him a big hug from me. Treasure the time you have with him.

Your love of books will literally save your life, on some days being able to escape to another world will be all that keeps you going. Keep reading, writing and sharing your passion for books. Following that path that you love will lead you to the brightest parts of your life. You will literally meet the best people you know because of them including your best friend who will understand you in ways you can not begin to imagine a person ever could.

At the moment you don’t feel very strong. You feel panicky, afraid and sad all of the time. Talk to your family, go to the doctor, fight for your right to be seen by a mental health professional. You’re not crazy and although you’re in denial about how you feel right now I promise that it’s nothing to be ashamed of and that with the right help you will start to feel better.

Take time out to reflect and think, in doing so you are rebuilding yourself to be the best version of you. From this very young age you will come to learn what you do and what you don’t want from life. You will learn empathy and compassion because of what you’ve been through and it will turn you into a kinder person who just wants to make the world a better place than when you found it. You will get to a point where you are proud of who you are and will love the life you have built for yourself because it is one that you have chosen and not one somebody else has told you that you should want.

Instead of looking down and being certain that if you jump you will fall, believe that if you spread your wings and take a leap of faith you will fly.

Stay strong, stay safe and stay hopeful.

Love, Jess x

~ Laura ~ 

Dear Laura,
It’s future you writing to past you…nifty huh?! I guess I have so much I want to say to you about what the future holds, what you have to look forward to, the things you’ll learn the people you’ll meet the experiences you’ll have…but you’ll get to those in good time.

What I really want to say to you is this: don’t ever stop loving yourself. You are one of the strongest, bravest and kindest people. Think of everything you’ve had to endure over the past few years and look how you’ve come through the other side. I wish I could lie to you and tell you that the future is perfect but it’s not. There will be plenty of heartbreak thanks to some rubbish men, there will be moments when you don’t think you can keep going, there will be many tears shed, many moments spent wondering why life isn’t going the way you thought it would. But the best part? You never ever give up.

Because there are some amazing times to come too. Some beautiful moments that you’ll never forget, nights spent in the arms of someone you love, days spent enjoying the simple pleasures of life, there’ll be books to read, songs to sing, friends to make and lessons to learn. But you must remember to keep loving yourself. Don’t let other people make you feel less than you are. Don’t allow someone else’s happiness to come before your own. Be selfish sometimes, take time to love yourself, make people aware that you’re pretty damn awesome.

And most of all stay kind. Keep smiling at strangers, help those less fortunate, take time to listen and remember everyone has their own battles to fight.

Stay strong and believe in yourself. Make mistakes, learn from them. Make beautiful memories, treasure them. Fall in love, enjoy it. Follow your dreams. Be brave, take chances, enjoy every second.
Life is never going to go the way you think it will but that’s ok. Life is unexpected and crazy and amazing and you’ll rock it.

Keep smiling gorgeous girl; never let anyone dull your shine. And on those days when you feel worthless or you don’t know what anyone could ever see in you, remind yourself that things will get better because they can and they will.

The future is yours to write so make it whatever you want to be. I’m so proud of you and of who you’ll become and I can’t wait for you to experience all the things you will.

Never regret anything that once made you smile.
Keep rocking it girl xxxx

~  Faye ~

Dear Faye,
It’s Faye here, from 10 years in the future. I’m writing to you today to help you get through this year, and the ones to follow it - because you do get through them.

This year you’ve made a big leap. You’ve left school and are heading to College with no friends but that’s okay because on your first day you’ll meet Jen and she will introduce you to an amazing group of people including your best friend, who is still your friend today.

College is going to be tough. I don’t want to scare you but you will lose your secondary school friends but that’s okay. I know you will hurt and feel replaced and it will make you feel useless and worthless but you are not these things. She wasn’t worth your amazing friendship and she is not worth your tears.

Over the coming years you are going to be faced with a lot of challenges and heartbreak but also love, happiness and hope. Because that is life in a nutshell. Swings and roundabouts.

This moment in your life is hard and scary but it is all worth it because at the end of it all you have a pretty good life with amazing supportive friends, an exciting business and living away from home. It’s still not perfect but because you’ve had experiences of hard times, you know you’ll get through this too.

So stay strong, keep smiling, and don’t let life knock you back too far.

 ~ Lily ~

Dear Lily,
It’s you, 5 years from the future! Pretty cool huh?! And boy do I have some things to say to you. First of all, I want to give you the biggest hug, even though you probably don’t want it or think you deserve it. You have been absolutely incredible in the past year. Don’t even doubt it for a second. Mum would be SO proud.

First things first, I know you’re nervous about starting a new sixth form. You know that group of friends from scouts you sometimes talk to? They’re going to take you under your wing and be the best friends you’ve ever had. It might be awkward at first because you haven’t known them as long as they’ve all known each other, but give it time. Get to know them, let them listen, and don’t be afraid to be who you are with them. You’re still all talking today even though you live all over the country.

Be kind to yourself. When it’s all too much, get out of school and make sure you pamper yourself. I know therapy isn’t the right answer for you right now, but in a few years it will be. And it will help you so much, you wouldn’t even believe. Don’t be afraid to rant to your friends, especially those who you talk to on the internet. They are some of the kindest, most wonderful people you’ll ever meet.

Keep an open mind at school. The subject you think you hate right now might just be the one that you end up wanting to study. Oh, and that gap year you want to do? PLEASE take it, and don’t feel pressured to go straight to University. You’ve been through so much these past few years and you need to take some time to go through it. Get through your A Levels, and then have a nice rest. You’ve earned it.

I want you to know that you’re about to embark on some of the best years of your life. You’ll get to watch the sunset by a Welsh lake with all your friends, you’ll get to travel all over Europe and climb up a Swiss mountain. Those Camp America websites you’ve been looking at? You get to do that too. And it’s one of the most eye-opening experiences you’ve ever had. Keep an open mind though, and work bloody hard when you’re there.

And above everything else, I want you to know that it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel sad and anxious and scared and nostalgic. It’s okay to miss her. I miss her too. Never feel like you have to hold in your emotions for anyone. You’re going to realise something about yourself soon, and everything will make sense. Embrace it and love it, I know it’s hard. You are so brave and wonderful and you have so much to look forward to. Be brave and take chances, but when it’s all too much don’t be afraid to say no. Remember to look after yourself.

Keep smiling and keep going. It gets better, I promise.

Love, Lily x

~ Louise ~

Dear Louise,
I’m here to tell you not to panic. Everything feels like it’s not going to plan at the moment doesn’t it? You know you have something that makes you different to all the other girls your age and you feel alone and afraid but it does get better. You’ll find out soon that this is a common problem and treatable; so very treatable. Worrying about the future – the kind of future when you get dizzy from thinking it’s so far away but it’s going to come around so quickly – isn’t healthy. Focusing on YOU and being happy is a much better use of your energy.

Please don’t push away those people who care about you. They will leave – albeit temporarily – but it will take many unnecessary years and more pain to get them back; to build the relationship and friendship you’ve always wanted.

You’re now 28 and twelve years have gone by so fast and being sixteen with these problems pale in retrospect. You will become a great survivor and will endure so much more than you think possible. But don’t panic. You have it in you, even when you’re in the depths of depression and doubting your every fibre. You have got this down. This is just the beginning of the adventures... You’re going to love them!

Love and hugs,
Lou x

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5 Things No One Told Me About Growing Up As A Woman

I don’t know about you but the past ten or so years of my life have been a lesson in how to be female. I’ve had to learn everything about my own body, what certain parts of it are for, how they work, why they do weird stuff sometimes and what I have to do to make sure I keep it in tip top shape.

But aside from a few teenage magazines and a self-help book for teenage girls that didn’t have enough about how to ‘do sex’ in it for my fifteen year old self, I was left pretty clueless. Of course I could have asked my mum who was always on hand to explain everything and anything without embarrassment. But ewww, who wants to talk to their mum about pubes and stuff?!

So here are my top five tips compiled from my own failings as a teenage girl/young woman in the hope that they might help you!

 Shave your legs in the direction of hair growth

*small clap* yes, it might be obvious, I know. But for teenage me when faced with the prospect of shaving my legs, I went a bit off-piste. Instead of doing it gradually and in some sort of order, I just started shaving the hair off in all different directions. Thankfully my shins were shaved in the right direction but my calves are a whole other story. I shaved them SIDEWAYS. Yes, sideways. WTF WAS I THINKING. So now all the hair on the backs of my legs grows sideways.

Fucking brilliant. So, don’t do this if you’re new to shaving. Just take your time and be sensible!

Don’t shave your pubes I’M WARNING YOU.

NO. DO NOT GO NEAR THEM WITH A RAZOR FOR GODS SAKE.  I used to shave ALL of my pubes off with a razor and, well, there’s never been pain/discomfort/ingrown hairs like it. One of my teenage boyfriends used to love it being completely bare. THANKS PORN. So I would routinely shave it all off only to have to endure the pain of it growing back and a few nicks on the ol’ labia every now and then. WHY DO WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES?! As I’ve got older I’ve realised that actually I think pubic hair is sexy. It denotes adulthood and stops you looking like a pre-pubescent teen. I mean, tidy it up all you want, get an electric shaver and go to town on that ol’ bush but don’t use a razor and then cry cos it’s shit. Make sure you use the right sort of tools for the job and, never ever ever ever ever shave your pubes for a man. THEY’RE NOT WORTH IT. A man should love you pubes or no pubes and should never pressure you into getting rid of them. (Plus pubes are there for a reason! But if you like the bare look then you rock it gurl.)

Your boobs will never ever look the same

Another thank you must go to porn and lads mags and allllll those pictures of women with perfectly symmetrical breasts and pert nipples. LOL. That is not real. I imagine 99% of those women have had boob jobs cos gurl, your boobs are never gon be the same. I have one bigger than the other and that’s normal and it’s more than natural. Don’t be made to feel inadequate because you are plagued with images of tanned, perky boobs. Your boobs are unique to you and they’re all the more amazing for it. (Also let’s just remember boobs are actually for feeding a baby, not for men to perve over but, well, life.)

Good luck with your periods

Basically you’re screwed. I’m 22 and I still have trouble dealing with the waterfall that escapes me every month.  If I can go through a period without staining a) my pants b) my clothes and c) my bedsheets then I feel like I’ve won the fucking lottery. I don’t know if it’s just a thing I’m bad at? Or if it’s a universal woman thing but seriously, I still can’t deal with my periods without some sort of disaster each month. I mean it probably doesn’t help I was on and then off and then on again and then off again the contraceptive pill but my body still isn’t great at the whole bleedin’ with grace and dignity thing. And, if you are a woman whose got her shit together and can do periods then I BOW TO YOU, YOU GODDESS.

Wash your face

I sound like your mother. But seriously, wash your face. This is gross to admit and I actually hate myself for it but I only really started properly washing my face in the past year or so. Before I used to just rub a wet flannel over my cheeks quickly and be like ‘yep, done it’ when in fact that was a shit excuse for washing my face. Now I use proper face wash, scrubs, face masks, toners, moisturisers etc. My skin still isn’t amazing as I wish it was but oh god I don’t even want to imagine not washing my face now. It makes me feel so physically uncomfortable if I don’t wash my face morning and night!! Keep your face squeaky clean and you'll have fewer spots, fewer blocked pores and you'll look even more gorgeous than normal! 

I mean, I hope some of that is helpful and I’ve not just shamed myself on the internet (probs have) but I really hope that it will help girls and women to know that we all struggle a bit sometimes with the whole ‘being a woman’ thing so don’t feel like you’re the only one who can’t do it all perfectly!  

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