One Step At A Time

So you all read this post, right? Where I explained how my entire life has recently been turned upside down and I had to go from being really active to barely able to walk for five minutes without dying. It's been tough. Emotionally and physically for me. There have been times when I've wanted to just give up on trying to be better and just stay in bed all day. Times when I've felt guilty for not being able to walk up the stairs and having to take the lift, guilty for asking someone I'm with if we could slow down or stop because I felt unable to carry on. 

I have also spent a lot of time wondering if I'm making a big thing out of a small thing. That maybe I am just unfit and causing a fuss.

And I keep going back to that thought.

Over and over again.

And it is because I am starting to get better. I still am nowhere near where I was. I am still scared of even trying to work a full time job and there is no way I could walk to and from work or go out jogging again but I am not the same person I was in January wherein I had to spend days in bed to recover from small activities.

So because I'm getting better, and I'm starting to feel better. I wanted to just write a quick post on here to tell you about some of the things that I've achieved lately that I've been proud of. Things that seven-eight months ago, I never would have managed. Because then I can show to you and also to myself, that I am on the road to recovery. I may never get to where I was but if I keep working, I might get somewhere near to it.

1. I can climb the three flights of stairs at work without crying out in pain.
2. I can walk for a good half hour before I need to slow down.
3. I can carry heavy piles of books and/or bags again
4. I don't feel as achy when I wake up in the morning
5. I don't feel as achy after driving for 30minutes.
6. Yesterday I climbed the equivalent of 15 flights of stairs and while I was out of breath, my legs and hips did not hurt until 4 hours later. Which is unheard of.

Of course, with all those amazing achievements, I still have things that I do now or cannot do now that I used to be able to, such as:

1. If I've been driving for a long time, my left arm is more comfortable in my lap then on the steering wheel, giving my muscle a break.
2. I still cringe at the idea of running and how much my muscles will hurt me for the task.
3. If I don't do my physio exercises, I can struggle to get out of bed.
4. I am still incredibly exhausted most days.
5. When I have done too much, I can barely get up out of the chair as I hurt all over.
6. I'm still getting bizarre and annoying pains in my fingers and knuckles.

I am not 100% okay but I am better than I was and I am so happy about it. If I could get to a point where I could job for 10mins once a week, I think I will be happy with life again. That is my ultimate goal and I am going to make it. I'm sure of it.

It's all just about taking it one step at a time.

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Finding The Balance

One of the things that is often mentioned when you talk about stress is that you need to find your work-life balance. You shouldn't be a work-a-holic because it impacts your social life. But you mustn't be too social as it'll impact your working life. You have to find the perfect balance to sort out your life and make you feel less stressed and more at peace with the world.

And I do agree.

To an extent.

As someone who is particularly struggling with work at the moment for many, many reasons, finding the work-life balance has been incredibly difficult for me. I want to go out and be social and have fun but I also know that work will stress me out and tire me out and actually all I'll really want to do is be on my own and sleep the evening away. And thus, if I let it, my life could easily become work, sleep, work, sleep and nothing else. Not exactly a great work-life balance, eh?

So, to counter this issue, I plan. I plan trips away. I plan evenings out. I plan trips to the cinema and meet ups with friends and day plans and weekend plans. I aim to keep my life from just being about work and sleep. I aim to see friends and family, to use these moments to keep my brain (as) sane as it can be. Because if I didn't then surely I would crumble. I would be too stressed. I'd overwork my brain and I'd have nothing to keep my mood from deflating back into depression.

The problem that I currently have with my life balance is that I am doing it all wrong for my personal circumstances. If you remember, I spoke in this post about how I'm currently chronically tired. I get tired more often, my muscles scream at me consistently and I am basically just struggling to function as a normal human being. Add in a healthy dose of anxiety and you might just see why my life balance needs to be more than just work and social outings. 

But I seem to be unable to grasp this fact.

It is almost like my brain is in a complete and utter state of denial over my current predicament. No, it tells me, you don't need that day to rest, you'll be fine. Make plans for that day or that evening and enjoy yourself. You can rest when you're dead.

And so I listen. And I plan. And I plan. And I plan.

And then, because my body isn't this amazing perfect shell, I usually have to cancel. A lot. And every single time I do, I feel guilty. I promised that I would be there. I'm letting someone down because my brain and body are not co-operating. And then I work myself up so that essentially I can't relax and give my body the rest it so badly needs in the first place.

So from here on in, I want to continue to strive to plan but now, I also need to plan rest days and rest evenings. I need to plan the time that I'm going to switch off from the world and just let my brain and my body re-cooperate. I need to before I ruin my body any further.

And then maybe, just maybe, I can find my life balance.

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When Your World Turns Upside Down

So a fair few weeks ago I wrote this post about being large and loving fitness and this week, I have a rather opposite post to write. For the last two years, but most specifically within the last six months, I have been struggling with my health - and because of it my fitness has had to be pushed to the side and it has been incredibly difficult to deal with. So today I wanted to talk about what is happening to me, how I'm dealing with it, my hopes and my fears for the future.

I first noticed something wasn't quite right about a year and a half ago when I was training for a 10K run I was doing in June. Whereas once I would go out for a run and afterward I would feel refreshed and refuelled, I was suddenly feeling more deflated and exhausted after the run and for the next few days after it too. From there I started noticing other issues, all minor and nothing I really paid much attention to.

Until I did. Because I started getting hot flushes - and at twenty-five it was pretty alarming to wonder if you're suddenly going through early on-set menopause. So I hot-footed to the doctors and went for blood test after blood test, I was poked, prodded, had to do urine samples, ultra sounds, etc. But they couldn't find anything wrong with me. At first I left it at that. They'd done what they could and it was fine.

But then the pain started. Pain and incredible fatigue. Like my whole body was shutting down on me. I found it difficult some days to get out of bed. Other days I managed to get five minutes down the road before feeling like I needed to stop and give up. Other days were good. And I'd get to the end of the day and wonder whether I was just imagining all the pain from the days before. Those were the days I exercised and would ultimately regret it for the next three to four days afterwards.

So I went back to the doctors. And then I was put on the antidepressants - you can read about that here - because the doctor thought my physical symptoms might be linked to my mental health, which I had been suffering with for a while (though even I didn't realise how much until I started taking the antidepressants). As you know, the pills have been helping my anxiety and depression, but I still feel the same physically - if not worse, than I did when I started them. And now I'm in limbo land. The doctors have referred me to physio - which has finally come through - as I thought it could be Joint Hypermobility Syndrome. There has also been talk that it might potentially be Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Fibromyalgia. But at the end of the day, I still don't know what is wrong with me.

It could be nothing.

But I doubt that. 

Because I hurt every single day. I never feel awake and I know it's a different tiredness than it used to be. I ache after doing the simplest tasks and I still have days where I am physically incapable of getting out of bed. Even having to wait until my bladder is screaming at me before I can force my limbs to move. That, to me, is not the sign of someone who has nothing wrong with them.

So even if the physio comes back and says there is nothing wrong with me, I won't stop going to the doctor. I will go and get another referral. Another opinion. I will keep trying until I know what is wrong with me. Even if it turns out to be incurable. Because I need to know. Living in limbo is difficult.

Especially as I love being active. I feel lazy when I don't do things. I feel useless when I feel unable to do simple tasks like chores. I feel guilty when I have to spend all day in bed and don't even have the energy to read a book. Because I haven't been diagnosed with anything. So, to everyone else I'm not ill. And in my mind, it makes me feel like I'm making a fuss. I'm just overreacting. So when this happens, I try to remember the days when I've been at my worse - like when I was in so much pain my legs could barely keep me upright, and when I walked too much and my hip hurt for three days afterwards.

But I will re-train my mind. Because even if the doctors never do find anything diagnosable I know I don't feel right and may never feel right and I need to learn to live with that. As difficult as that may be.

I want to end this post to say that if you feel like you're ill but the doctor keeps sending you away, please go for another opinion. Keep going until you find a doctor who actually listens and understands. Because no one knows your own body better than you do, so no one knows better than you if something feels wrong. 

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