Another Year Further Away

Friday it was my birthday. It's not often something I shout out about and so this post is an odd one for me. Personally I very much dislike being the centre of attention. I much prefer hiding away in the background and just nodding along rather than having everyone look at me. I like the parties and gathering with friends and family to celebrate but only when all eyes and attention isn't stone focused on me. I thought I might grow out of this as I got older but no. So instead I use my birthday as a day to just enjoy being me. Whatever that means. This year it means I am on the last day of my holiday and I am treating myself to food made for me, lunch with my family and then an evening meal out with a handful of friends. Because that is what I wanted to do. And that is the only thing about birthdays that I like.

It is my day to do what I like and everyone just accepts that. 

But that is not what I want to talk about today. Today I want to talk about how I am now 27 and life isn't exactly going to "plan" and how I've come to terms with it - sort of.

When I was a naive teenager and we talked about THE FUTURE, I was always sure that at 25 I would have a child. Not the normal way mind you - I have NEVER wanted to be pregnant - but I imagined that I would have adopted by now and be all settled down and enjoying life and looking after a loved one. I also believed that I would be with a guy and that we would be close if not actually married. Of course, I was just sixteen and unaware of what would happen but all I can think now is how far away I am from those things happening.

So far away in fact that I'm starting to wonder if they'll ever happen.

I still want a child or two and I still want to adopt. But because I want to adopt and not just have a baby the natural way, I know that it will be so much harder to do. I will have to prove that I am a GOOD person and that I am financially stable and that I can keep a roof over their heads. I have to show that I am basically not going to fuck up the childs life. And doing all of this without a partner? Yeah, I'll have to work twice as hard.

And at the moment I am so NOT READY for that. As you may have read last week, I just moved back to my mums so I am certainly not able to provide a roof for a child. I am also working two jobs in two towns that are TWO HOURS away from each other. I can't exactly continue doing that if I want a kid. And I cannot even fathom being financially stable. In this climax where it is staggeringly hard to get a job with a decent income to cover the expenses of ONE person let alone TWO just seems impossible in this financial climate. And if I can't keep my own head above the water, I certainly don't want to bring a child into the mix.

So yeah, the kid or kids will definitely not be happening soon. At the moment I can't even forsee it happening in the next three years which is actually making me pretty sad to think about.

Then there's the partner. As you may know, I am an asexual. Which should not effect my relationships but it does but because I don't feel COMFORTABLE with the idea of being in a relationship. I've always told myself that I just need to feel more settled in my life and then I can focus on the other half but now I'm worried I'll never be settled but also that it has been SO LONG since I was last in a relationship that I won't be a good girlfriend anyway. I like my independence and freedom too much to even imagine someone else filling a room. I want to find love, I do. But I also feel like I don't need it to complete me. So I'm not exactly LOOKING. So who knows if that will ever happen. And then when it does, how do I let them down by admitting that I will never want sex. Who would want a partner like that?

So yeah, no marriage on the horizon either. (Although I also don't know anymore that I even want to get married anyway)

So none of my plans have happened.

I am 27 and I am living with my mum. I am 27 and I don't have a career. I am 27 and I have no savings. 

But I am also 27 and enjoying my independence and freedom. I am 27 and I have my own business. I am 27 and I am more or less happy. 

I am 27 and I have hopes for the future.

So I'm not where I wanted or expected to be but that's okay because I'm still alive and I'm still on a journey and I am sure that one day things will come together. Maybe not as I always imagined, but maybe it'll be better.

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Dealing with Changes With Mental Health

There are some people who deal with change easily. Whatever life throws at them, they just deal with it and get on with it and it barely affects their life. These are the type of people who welcome change as it makes life more interesting and intriguing. It makes them feel like they are actually living their life rather than just being alive. I used to be one of those people.

It feels weird to believe this of myself these days. To remember that I used to dive head first into adventure without knowing anything about what might be around the corner. Because it is something that I find almost impossible these days. Changes now feel overwhelming, terrifying, and cause me intense anxiety issues.

After primary school, I went to secondary school on my own and everything was fine. After secondary school, I went to college on my own and it was good. During secondary school when I was just 15, I went to Denmark without an adult and with just three friends. After college, I went on a gap year to Canada with just my brother and five strangers with me. It was the first time I had ever been to Canada. After Canada I went to university on my own and threw myself into new activities I had never done before, such as Waterpolo and Journalism.

I craved change in the past. I hated it when it felt like my life was still and not moving anywhere. I needed to try new things and go different places and live life to the fullest.

I’m not sure when it changed. I wish I knew so that I could go back to that day and shake my past self. But now change terrifies me. Eating in new restaurants fills me with anxious worries, going abroad seems like something I will never be able to do again (unless it is to a country I have been to before and can orient myself into something familiar but new places is a big no-no). Trying a new activity seems daunting and bizarre.

Change is no longer easy and is something that I have to really gear myself up for. This can sometimes take me a long time just to make a decision and even then I might back out before it comes to pass. As happened last year when I kept agreeing to meet new people in new places to try and be social and meet people and always cancelled the day before due to not dealing with the anxious feelings that coursed through my veins.

So, if you follow me on twitter or on my personal blog, you might know that I actually had a very big change happen in my life this week. I started a new job. But not only that. I started a new job in an entirely new city – two hours away from where I actually live.

Now as you can imagine, this has not been easy for me.

It actually took me five days to accept the offer for which I am entirely grateful to the employer for still keeping aside for me while I took the time to decide. I then had four weeks to get used to the idea of everything.

Those four weeks were full of planning and organising. They were also full of anxiety and panic. I had moments when I wanted to go back on my acceptance. Moments where I was sure that I was making a huge mistake and that I would hate both the job and the city and my life would be entirely ruined – naturally.

There was also excitement. Something different was going to happen in my life. Someone had seen me as worth investing in. Someone believed in me.

And I think that is what really helped get my anxious thoughts in order. That and having the most amazing friends and family around to help keep me grounded but to also continually remind me how wonderful this opportunity is and how proud they were of me, and all that wonderful good stuff that filled me with hope and that bit of strength I needed.

This week has been tough. On Monday I ended up having the biggest anxiety attack I’ve had in months. For two hours I struggled with my thoughts and my fears and the panic. I ended up driving to my mums house so that she could calm me down which led to further fears about what I would do when my mum wasn’t 30minutes down the road. But I got through it and I knew that underneath it all, I was just struggling with the change about to occur.

Tuesday was actually okay. This was actually the first day of actual change in my life but I managed to get through it easily enough. Wednesday came with a few blips and my heart raced a few times and I struggled to sleep in the evening. Not to mention I got stressed and a bit snappy as well. Fortunately, those I snapped at where very aware that the next day was the day of the big change so let me get away with it without too many repercussions.

And then yesterday. Yesterday was terrifying. But I planned and I prepared and I did everything I could to make sure I felt as comfortable as I could, including arriving at the job 15 minutes before shift started. And then the new job started and I met what seems like a very friendly and welcoming team who I am more than sure I will really like working with. I was shown the building I’d be working with and fell in love so very completely. I was also shown a few of the things I would be doing on the job and I knew that I could do everything I was asked and that I would most likely enjoy it too.

So now I still feel a little anxious about my next shift which starts tomorrow but I also feel better too. Because I did it. I made a change in my life. This is just the start. I have some more changes to make in the next few months but now I know that I can just get on with it when it happens.

I simply need to feel the fear and do it anyway. 

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Staying Afloat on Rough Seas

I haven't had anything worth writing about in quite a while. I still don't if I'm being honest but I've got to write *something*.

I started off 2017 with positive aspirations for myself - I was going to start taking better care of myself and being more productive especially since I had 5 uni deadlines in the first 3 months of the year. I actually got two of those assignments in EARLY with my next looking to be nearly 2 weeks early as well which considering most of my assignments previously got completed using this method of idiocy it's pretty damn impressive that I'm ahead of schedule with my deadlines.

I've also been trying to improve my sleeping & waking up habits so I'm not ignoring all my alarms and sleeping in until 10am. This has improved *somewhat*, I'm waking up around 8am when my alarms go off but I am still lying in bed for another hour scrolling twitter on my phone & obviously with the world in the state it is this usually ends up leaving me mentally exhausted before I've even extricated myself from the duvet.

God knows I'm not the only person feeling like this right now. Over the last two weeks it's been significantly harder to feel like I'm getting anything productive done and I'm not even being directly affected by the shitstorm raging on the other side of the Atlantic. Every day there's at least three new awful things happening and although the resistance is building online and around the world it still kinda feels like we're slowly being overwhelmed by a tidal wave.

I don't have a lot of helpful advice for dealing with these feelings. I know I probably should take more breaks from my twitter feed but as I'm otherwise sat at home all day on my own, shutting myself off from the internet leaves me isolated and without anyone to talk to which isn't exactly great for my mental health. At some point in the future I might write a post about loneliness when all your friends are online or too far away to visit easily.

So I'm kinda treading water right now, trying to stay afloat when it seems easier to just let all the madness overwhelm me. Believe me I'm fully aware that in the grand scheme of things my life is barely being impacted by this Nonsense but that doesn't mean I shouldn't be aware of those who are and acknowledge their struggles.

Be kind to yourself and each other. Don't be nice to nazis though - punch those fuckers.

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27 Things I've Learnt in 27 Years

Today I turn 27 years old and so I thought I would share with you 27 things I've learnt in my 27 years

1.) Life rarely goes to plan but that's okay, you will always end up where you need to be
2.) Whenever you can, do something creative and have fun whilst doing it
3.) It's okay to love your body and imperfections even when society says you shouldn't
4.) Friendships are the best kind of relationships
5.) Find a skincare routine that works for you and stick to it
6.) Not everyone will like you and that's okay
7.) Consulting Dr Google always ends in a death diagnosis
8.) Creating boundaries against toxic people and negativity is good for your mental health
9.) Sometimes the best things in life are unexpected
10.) Making mistakes is how you learn and grow as a person
11.) If you haven't got time for anything else, lipstick always makes you look more put together
12.) Your gut instinct is usually right
13.) Chinese food will always follow the end of either a very good or very bad day
14.) Stepping outside of your comfort zone expands your comfort zone
15.) Always make time for the things you love
16.) It’s okay to change
17.) Endings can be sad and scary but they’re also always the start of something new
18.) The people who truly love you will love you for your imperfections not in spite of them
19.) Being in recovery is not linear
20.) Shaving your legs is usually far more effort than it’s worth
21.) The most important relationship you’ll ever have in life is with yourself
22.) What you consider to be your weaknesses are usually your biggest strengths
23.) Being kinder than you have to be is always a good idea
24.) A new book makes everything better
25.) Things usually aren’t as scary as you build them up in your head to be
26.) Surround yourself with people who bring out the best version of you
27.) Who you are right now is enough

If you enjoyed this post, you can find more on: 

 Bloglovin' | Twitter | Jess Hearts Books

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Ch...Ch...Changes

Recently I have been through a lot of changes in my life and there are still a fair few that I need to make in 2017 too. So today I thought I would discuss how changes affect me, now and when I was younger. Because, ironically enough, how I deal with change has drastically changed in the last few years - and sadly not in a good way.

When I was a child, I would just go with the flow. Things would change in plans but I was just a child so it was never really up to me anyway. I may have had a few tantrums but nothing that I can really remember. Essentially I was well aware that change was a big part of life and that I just had to deal with it.

As a teenager, this was even more noticeable to me. After Primary school, I transferred to a secondary school on my own. It was the biggest kind of change I'd ever faced but I was ready, excited and happy to accept the change. It was tough at first but I soon fell into a friendship group and we got along well for two years. But then two of the four of us left for a different school and my last friend decided she no longer wanted to be my friend. Thus began my jumping from one group of friends to the next for the next three years.

Change was a constant in my life. But it was getting harder to embrace. It felt like I needed a constant in my life. And that was where the internet came in. I formed friendships. Found my writing and wrote every single night. It was, essentially, what kept me sane. It helped me to deal with all the changes going on in my life.

After secondary school, I moved to a sixth form college, again I did this alone. I had to make friends again and was very fortunate to meet some on my very first day, friends who I still see and consider my closest friends, ten years on. But it was a change that I could deal with - I had already done it before. After college, I went abroad for six months to Canada. While this time I did go with my step brother, when we got there, he was in one job and accommodation, and I was in another, once again alone.

But the past few years had taught me how to deal with that. And I made some friends and I got stuck in and I really enjoyed my time there. A few ups and downs occurred but that was to be expected on a gap year so far from home. Then when I came home, I went off to university alone too and found some more friends easily enough. I knew what I was doing. It was good.

So now we come to the present. And change was something I used to embrace. I loved changing things up, meeting new people, steering my life a new way. But now? Now change scares me. I'm not entirely sure when this happened but whenever I think about something changing in my life, I freeze up, feel my stomach turn and want to just stop it all from happening.

I need change. I'm not currently happy in myself so I need to do things to make me feel better again but I also feel panicked at the thought of change. For example, I hate many aspects of my library job but I also love my colleagues and a lot of the work that I do do so the idea of getting a new job, of changing it, fills me with dread. I want to leave, I need to leave but at the same time, I am just too scared to do it. I know this job and these people.

I think the problem is that I'm settling. For the first time in my life, I'm not sure where my future will be or go. I haven't got school to look forward to or move on to. It is just an open space in front of me and the amount of possibilities of things that could change or could happen, makes me want to stay where I am. Because it's not the worst job in the world but if I get a new one, well, that could be worse, couldn't it?

So I need to just push past my fears and my lack of control, and just put myself out there and embrace change again. But it's probably going to be more difficult than before. But I know that 2017 is going to be my year. Last year was awful but this year is going to be the year that I finally work out where my life is actually going.

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Fast and Furiously through Life

Not many of our readers will have met me in person (you're the fortunate ones), but anyone who has probably can think of a few words to describe me, hopefully some of them nice. But the word which I think would be screamingly obvious within a few minutes is... fast.

I don't mean that in the Austenian/bodice ripper novel sense of a "fast woman" but in the literal "opposite of slow" sense of the word. I walk, talk, eat, drink even read at a speed that most people find disturbingly quick. I have to be yanked back when I'm walking with friends, I try to say half a dozen things at once and fudge them all, I'll have finished a meal in the time it takes anyone else to eat half of theirs and I will read an entire book before your eyes if you give me a few hours.

Despite people's admonishments and my own meagre attempts to rein myself in I can't seem to slow the pace at which I barrel through the world. I've been somewhat served right for this propensity recently when I got caught speeding and had to attend a speed awareness course yesterday. Maybe this is a necessary reminder that I should slow down in more ways than one.

It Me

I often wonder if my breakneck consumption of food, tea, books & the world is actually slowing me down in the long run? I'm so impatient to get to the next thing that I'm not savouring the experiences I'm having at any one time. It's the kind of illusory shortcut that makes people overtake you at stupid speeds only to have to slam to a stop 500 yards in front of you. You haven't gotten anywhere any quicker and all you are is frustrated.

My life is mostly blurs of mindless absorption punctuated by grinding halts of anguish when I suddenly *can't* do something quickly - like writing. Oh boy does it bother me that I can't seem to get any kind of momentum with writing at the moment, I'll make several sputtering attempts to jump-start the rust-bucket of my writer's brain, give it up as hopeless then swerve back into the fast lane for another burst of high-speed monotony.

If I slowed down, took my time and really lived each day, maybe everything would flow. A steady stream of attention for all the things I want to do, if I approach problems at a more manageable speed perhaps I can work out how to solve them before I've crashed straight into them. If I wasn't in such a desperate hurry to finish my book maybe I'd be able to get somewhere without constantly stalling.

Slow down, enjoy the view and get to your destination in one piece. Something to apply to life and the road.

P.S. Don't be a fucking idiot while driving, something that always bears repeating, even to me.

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Getting My Fitness Back Again... Maybe

If you've been following my posts here on Safe Space for a while, then you probably read this post where I discussed that my physical health isn't great, and this post where I talk about my current progress. This is something that I've been struggling with for a long time. It's hard to not be able to do all the things you used to do, not because you don't want to but because you're physically incapable of doing it. 

I had a bit of a set back since that latter post. I stopped exercising almost completely again because it became too much and too painful. So for the last few months I've been trying to get my fitness back. It's been a long and difficult progress and I am nowhere near where I wish I was and that keeps making me want to just give up and just be the lazy person my body is screaming at me to be. But I just don't think I can be that person. 

First of all I started walking more. I drove to the park and ride near work and then walked 25mins from there to work and 25mins back too. I did well with this until my muscles and joints started screaming for pain and I realised I couldn't do it every single day. So I changed it up. Walked some days and took the bus on others. I soon started to feel stronger but also still a little deflated that I couldn't do it every day.

Then I went back to the gym and tried pilates. The first session was tough. I almost cried in pain in the class so I just stopped that exercise and was just unable to finish any of the exercises they did. But I felt better at the end of it. But also exhausted and destroyed.

And I continued to feel that way for the next three days. I had the normal muscle pains but on top of it I had an aching feel that wouldn't go away.

But I went again. And it was tough, again, but I still managed to do just that little bit more. And this time the pain lasted a little less.

I'm now without a car so I've been walking to and from the stations everyday, I have plans to go swimming and go back to pilates but I'm also getting aches and pains on random days again. My arm has been a pain recently where it's been so painful that I couldn't sleep. It's a daily struggle but I know that I need to lose weight and if I want to do that, I need to exercise. One way or another. Just push through the pain.

So I'll keep going. But I will remember my limitations. I do not want to be bed bound again. I will not push it. But I will push myself just a little bit.

Do you have any exercising tips for someone who is often in pain?

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(Not quite 21) Things I've learned in my 21 years.

This week I celebrated my 21st birthday. It was a day filled with friends, cake, Disney movies and all the things I love. My best friends visited me thisweekend and it was just what I needed after the horrible, anxiety-ridden days I had endured the week before (due to the US presidential election). As I feel like a lot of people do on their big birthdays, I’ve been thinking about what I’ve learned over these years and reflecting on my experiences and I thought I would try to get some of them down in a post. So, here goes.

It’s okay to be single. Really. I am 21 years old and I have never been in a relationship. Ever. I don’t think I’ve even had so much as a ‘thing’ with anyone. Which for a long time I felt weird about, because when you’re a teenager so much of the media aimed at you involves first love and relationships. But I’ve come to realise recently that it really doesn’t matter. I am perfectly content and happy on my own. This isn’t to say that relationships aren’t great and sure, if the right person comes along I’d be more than happy to enter into one but I’m not worried about whether that happens or not. I’ve got me, and that’s enough.

Things that don’t go according to plan can sometimes surprise you. I never intended to go to the sixth form I wanted, but it’s what I got stuck with. And yet, I met some amazing people there who I still consider to be my closest friends today. I didn’t want to drop out of University when I was 18, but in the end it gave me the time to deal with my grief and become a far more open and relaxed person. Even the University I’m currently attending wasn’t my first choice, but I’ve ended up really settling in and enjoying life here.

Everyone is problematic. I, like many people I think, often put certain people (usually celebrities) on pedestals as a child and teenager, thinking they could do no wrong and then was outraged when they said anything that didn’t fit with this perfect image I had of them. Turns out, even the most educated and best intentioned of us will still get it wrong or say something inappropriate sometimes. We’re all human and we make mistakes. It’s how we respond to criticism and calling out that really matters.

Everyone has “stuff” going on in their life. And you most likely don’t know about it. That doesn’t always excuse shitty behaviour, but it’s something I try and keep in mind when someone is acting a particular way. And people often will be sympathetic to your own situation as well.

It’s okay to cry. I didn’t cry much as a child at all. I mean, I cried when I got hurt but that’s mostly because it was a knee-jerk reaction. But I never cried at movies or tv shows, or what was happening in my personal life. I’m not sure whether I’ve just become more emotional and empathetic as I’ve gotten older or it’s something else, but I cry a lot more now and it’s good. Instead of keeping all of my emotions reined in until I’m fit to burst, I let myself feel what I’m feeling, and I feel so much better for it.

Sometimes, you’ve got to put yourself first. This is something I’ve struggled with for YEARS. I’ve spent a lot of my life putting people before me and it could have awful effects on my mental health. I was so scared of being thought of as ‘selfish’ that I would put friends, who were often toxic for me anyway before my own interests. But putting yourself first is NOT selfish – sometimes you just have to take a step back and take care of yourself before anyone else.

There’s a lot more, but those are just some things I’ve observed and come to realise, particularly in the last few years. And even I find putting some of these into practice difficult, especially when society tells us to do the opposite. Most importantly though, I’ve learned we are all growing and changing and learning. And that’s okay.

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I'm not okay... but that's okay

I’m okay. I’m okay. It’s okay. I’m okay. I am a-okay.

Words I have been repeating to myself for two months now. Words to reassure myself that my declining mental health is okay. It is just a blip. I am strong and can fight back and it IS okay.

But it’s time to be truthful to myself. Because I am NOT okay.

My depression is getting worse. My OCD more debilitating and my anxiety more overwhelming. On top of that my physical health seems to be hitting rock bottom again too.

And it’s starting to become too difficult to stand up and tell the world that I am okay. Too difficult to even tell myself it.

Yes, I have good days and I cling to them with everything I have. But they are few and far between at the moment. And that is worrying.

So I need to stand up and shout that I am NOT okay. I NEED to be truthful so that I can break down the stigma surrounding mental health - it isn’t about always being defeated, or about winning forever.

But also because once I am truthful to myself about not being okay then I can start working on fighting back again.

Something I am now already doing again. A long uphill battle, again. But one that will always be worth it because life is a gift and I have to remember that it is precious. I am not going to let my mental or physical health take that away from me.

Not now. Not ever. 

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One Step At A Time

So you all read this post, right? Where I explained how my entire life has recently been turned upside down and I had to go from being really active to barely able to walk for five minutes without dying. It's been tough. Emotionally and physically for me. There have been times when I've wanted to just give up on trying to be better and just stay in bed all day. Times when I've felt guilty for not being able to walk up the stairs and having to take the lift, guilty for asking someone I'm with if we could slow down or stop because I felt unable to carry on. 

I have also spent a lot of time wondering if I'm making a big thing out of a small thing. That maybe I am just unfit and causing a fuss.

And I keep going back to that thought.

Over and over again.

And it is because I am starting to get better. I still am nowhere near where I was. I am still scared of even trying to work a full time job and there is no way I could walk to and from work or go out jogging again but I am not the same person I was in January wherein I had to spend days in bed to recover from small activities.

So because I'm getting better, and I'm starting to feel better. I wanted to just write a quick post on here to tell you about some of the things that I've achieved lately that I've been proud of. Things that seven-eight months ago, I never would have managed. Because then I can show to you and also to myself, that I am on the road to recovery. I may never get to where I was but if I keep working, I might get somewhere near to it.

1. I can climb the three flights of stairs at work without crying out in pain.
2. I can walk for a good half hour before I need to slow down.
3. I can carry heavy piles of books and/or bags again
4. I don't feel as achy when I wake up in the morning
5. I don't feel as achy after driving for 30minutes.
6. Yesterday I climbed the equivalent of 15 flights of stairs and while I was out of breath, my legs and hips did not hurt until 4 hours later. Which is unheard of.

Of course, with all those amazing achievements, I still have things that I do now or cannot do now that I used to be able to, such as:

1. If I've been driving for a long time, my left arm is more comfortable in my lap then on the steering wheel, giving my muscle a break.
2. I still cringe at the idea of running and how much my muscles will hurt me for the task.
3. If I don't do my physio exercises, I can struggle to get out of bed.
4. I am still incredibly exhausted most days.
5. When I have done too much, I can barely get up out of the chair as I hurt all over.
6. I'm still getting bizarre and annoying pains in my fingers and knuckles.

I am not 100% okay but I am better than I was and I am so happy about it. If I could get to a point where I could job for 10mins once a week, I think I will be happy with life again. That is my ultimate goal and I am going to make it. I'm sure of it.

It's all just about taking it one step at a time.

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Finding The Balance

One of the things that is often mentioned when you talk about stress is that you need to find your work-life balance. You shouldn't be a work-a-holic because it impacts your social life. But you mustn't be too social as it'll impact your working life. You have to find the perfect balance to sort out your life and make you feel less stressed and more at peace with the world.

And I do agree.

To an extent.

As someone who is particularly struggling with work at the moment for many, many reasons, finding the work-life balance has been incredibly difficult for me. I want to go out and be social and have fun but I also know that work will stress me out and tire me out and actually all I'll really want to do is be on my own and sleep the evening away. And thus, if I let it, my life could easily become work, sleep, work, sleep and nothing else. Not exactly a great work-life balance, eh?

So, to counter this issue, I plan. I plan trips away. I plan evenings out. I plan trips to the cinema and meet ups with friends and day plans and weekend plans. I aim to keep my life from just being about work and sleep. I aim to see friends and family, to use these moments to keep my brain (as) sane as it can be. Because if I didn't then surely I would crumble. I would be too stressed. I'd overwork my brain and I'd have nothing to keep my mood from deflating back into depression.

The problem that I currently have with my life balance is that I am doing it all wrong for my personal circumstances. If you remember, I spoke in this post about how I'm currently chronically tired. I get tired more often, my muscles scream at me consistently and I am basically just struggling to function as a normal human being. Add in a healthy dose of anxiety and you might just see why my life balance needs to be more than just work and social outings. 

But I seem to be unable to grasp this fact.

It is almost like my brain is in a complete and utter state of denial over my current predicament. No, it tells me, you don't need that day to rest, you'll be fine. Make plans for that day or that evening and enjoy yourself. You can rest when you're dead.

And so I listen. And I plan. And I plan. And I plan.

And then, because my body isn't this amazing perfect shell, I usually have to cancel. A lot. And every single time I do, I feel guilty. I promised that I would be there. I'm letting someone down because my brain and body are not co-operating. And then I work myself up so that essentially I can't relax and give my body the rest it so badly needs in the first place.

So from here on in, I want to continue to strive to plan but now, I also need to plan rest days and rest evenings. I need to plan the time that I'm going to switch off from the world and just let my brain and my body re-cooperate. I need to before I ruin my body any further.

And then maybe, just maybe, I can find my life balance.

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Spending Time with Myself

As an introvert, I have always needed time to myself. As much as I love my friends and enjoy socializing, it becomes exhausting after a while and I have to retreat back to my room and have some me time. But when I dropped out of University and moved back in with my parents, I found I almost had too much me time on my hands. I had no job, no friends in the area as they were all living at University, but I still wanted to go to the cinema, go shopping and do all the things I used to. And so I learned to spend time with myself.

Shopping alone wasn’t something I was unfamiliar with – on my way home from school I passed through my town centre and so if I needed anything I would pop into the mall on my way through. But I had never gone out of my way to go shopping alone before this, and I’ve found I rather like it. There’s no rush, you don’t have to get dragged into anywhere you don’t want to go, and you can spend as long as you like browsing the clothes and trying them on.

Eating alone is a bit harder. I still haven’t quite got to eating in a sit down restaurant by myself (although I definitely want to at some point!) but I’ve sat in chains such as Chipotle, Five Guys and Mcdonalds alone many a time and felt more and more comfortable each time I do it. The trick is to have something to occupy yourself with; I usually opt for a book or catching up with notifications on my phone. This year I’ve even gone to the cinema by myself – I’ll admit this is partially because I get free tickets due to my job and there are some films I simply can’t wait for, but I’ve found it so enjoyable! I definitely plan to go again alone before I leave my job next month.

And I’ve even spent days out in London by myself. I’ve just hopped on the tube and seen where it takes me, exploring my city. When I mentioned that I was going to London alone, my dad thought it a bit odd, and I’ve noticed at work when people come to the cinema by themselves they can sometimes be almost embarrassed. And I’m kind of curious about where this stigma against doing things alone has come from. Some of my favourite days from the past year have been my solitary trips to London, perusing various bookshops, wondering around Soho and getting to know my city like never before. I even spent a couple of days last night in New York City by myself, and whilst extremely overwhelming I was thankful I could take the city at my own pace, eat when I wanted to, and miss out on what I wasn’t bothered about.

This isn’t to say that I hate hanging out with my friends or travelling with other people. I understand that it’s not for everyone, but for me it means I don’t have to miss out on anything just because my friends aren’t nearby or I’m too tired to socialize. Sometimes I just need some me time to relax and take things at my own pace, and you know what? Hanging out with myself can be pretty damn awesome.

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Letters To Our Sixteen Year Old Selves

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I’m sure that we all have things we wish we could go back in time and tell our past selves. So today I’ve pitched the question to the Safe Space team:

If given the chance what would you tell your sixteen year old self?

Older and wiser maybe now we have the perfect advice to give to our younger selves now that we know the outcome of the experiences that we were struggling to navigate at sixteen years old and perhaps there is somebody out there reading this in a similar situation looking for some guidance too.

~ Jess ~

Dear Jess,
If I could travel back in time and give you a massive hug right now I would, because I know you could really do with one. I know you feel scared and alone, the wonderful boyfriend who was so lovely to you at the start of your relationship has been not so wonderful lately. I’d love to be able to say that things will get easier soon and that it’ll all be over but you’re going to have to be brave for a while longer. I can promise though that the right time and perfect opportunity will come for you to leave this relationship and you’ll do it safely without ever looking back. These dark times will end. 

The friends in your life who you think are so important now won’t be ten years down the line. Don’t worry so much about what they think and say, they’re not part of your future. At this moment in time you’ll find yourself wanting to be independant from your family but don’t push them too far. Family is more important than you realise right now. Try to let them in more. As grown up as you feel you don’t know everything about the world and still need your parents.

Soon a big, beautiful, black dog will be joining your family. You have no idea how much he will come to help you in the years to come. This furry bundle of joy will become your closest companion, he’ll make you laugh every day and will cuddle up to you when you’re sad. Give him a big hug from me. Treasure the time you have with him.

Your love of books will literally save your life, on some days being able to escape to another world will be all that keeps you going. Keep reading, writing and sharing your passion for books. Following that path that you love will lead you to the brightest parts of your life. You will literally meet the best people you know because of them including your best friend who will understand you in ways you can not begin to imagine a person ever could.

At the moment you don’t feel very strong. You feel panicky, afraid and sad all of the time. Talk to your family, go to the doctor, fight for your right to be seen by a mental health professional. You’re not crazy and although you’re in denial about how you feel right now I promise that it’s nothing to be ashamed of and that with the right help you will start to feel better.

Take time out to reflect and think, in doing so you are rebuilding yourself to be the best version of you. From this very young age you will come to learn what you do and what you don’t want from life. You will learn empathy and compassion because of what you’ve been through and it will turn you into a kinder person who just wants to make the world a better place than when you found it. You will get to a point where you are proud of who you are and will love the life you have built for yourself because it is one that you have chosen and not one somebody else has told you that you should want.

Instead of looking down and being certain that if you jump you will fall, believe that if you spread your wings and take a leap of faith you will fly.

Stay strong, stay safe and stay hopeful.

Love, Jess x

~ Laura ~ 

Dear Laura,
It’s future you writing to past you…nifty huh?! I guess I have so much I want to say to you about what the future holds, what you have to look forward to, the things you’ll learn the people you’ll meet the experiences you’ll have…but you’ll get to those in good time.

What I really want to say to you is this: don’t ever stop loving yourself. You are one of the strongest, bravest and kindest people. Think of everything you’ve had to endure over the past few years and look how you’ve come through the other side. I wish I could lie to you and tell you that the future is perfect but it’s not. There will be plenty of heartbreak thanks to some rubbish men, there will be moments when you don’t think you can keep going, there will be many tears shed, many moments spent wondering why life isn’t going the way you thought it would. But the best part? You never ever give up.

Because there are some amazing times to come too. Some beautiful moments that you’ll never forget, nights spent in the arms of someone you love, days spent enjoying the simple pleasures of life, there’ll be books to read, songs to sing, friends to make and lessons to learn. But you must remember to keep loving yourself. Don’t let other people make you feel less than you are. Don’t allow someone else’s happiness to come before your own. Be selfish sometimes, take time to love yourself, make people aware that you’re pretty damn awesome.

And most of all stay kind. Keep smiling at strangers, help those less fortunate, take time to listen and remember everyone has their own battles to fight.

Stay strong and believe in yourself. Make mistakes, learn from them. Make beautiful memories, treasure them. Fall in love, enjoy it. Follow your dreams. Be brave, take chances, enjoy every second.
Life is never going to go the way you think it will but that’s ok. Life is unexpected and crazy and amazing and you’ll rock it.

Keep smiling gorgeous girl; never let anyone dull your shine. And on those days when you feel worthless or you don’t know what anyone could ever see in you, remind yourself that things will get better because they can and they will.

The future is yours to write so make it whatever you want to be. I’m so proud of you and of who you’ll become and I can’t wait for you to experience all the things you will.

Never regret anything that once made you smile.
Keep rocking it girl xxxx

~  Faye ~

Dear Faye,
It’s Faye here, from 10 years in the future. I’m writing to you today to help you get through this year, and the ones to follow it - because you do get through them.

This year you’ve made a big leap. You’ve left school and are heading to College with no friends but that’s okay because on your first day you’ll meet Jen and she will introduce you to an amazing group of people including your best friend, who is still your friend today.

College is going to be tough. I don’t want to scare you but you will lose your secondary school friends but that’s okay. I know you will hurt and feel replaced and it will make you feel useless and worthless but you are not these things. She wasn’t worth your amazing friendship and she is not worth your tears.

Over the coming years you are going to be faced with a lot of challenges and heartbreak but also love, happiness and hope. Because that is life in a nutshell. Swings and roundabouts.

This moment in your life is hard and scary but it is all worth it because at the end of it all you have a pretty good life with amazing supportive friends, an exciting business and living away from home. It’s still not perfect but because you’ve had experiences of hard times, you know you’ll get through this too.

So stay strong, keep smiling, and don’t let life knock you back too far.

 ~ Lily ~

Dear Lily,
It’s you, 5 years from the future! Pretty cool huh?! And boy do I have some things to say to you. First of all, I want to give you the biggest hug, even though you probably don’t want it or think you deserve it. You have been absolutely incredible in the past year. Don’t even doubt it for a second. Mum would be SO proud.

First things first, I know you’re nervous about starting a new sixth form. You know that group of friends from scouts you sometimes talk to? They’re going to take you under your wing and be the best friends you’ve ever had. It might be awkward at first because you haven’t known them as long as they’ve all known each other, but give it time. Get to know them, let them listen, and don’t be afraid to be who you are with them. You’re still all talking today even though you live all over the country.

Be kind to yourself. When it’s all too much, get out of school and make sure you pamper yourself. I know therapy isn’t the right answer for you right now, but in a few years it will be. And it will help you so much, you wouldn’t even believe. Don’t be afraid to rant to your friends, especially those who you talk to on the internet. They are some of the kindest, most wonderful people you’ll ever meet.

Keep an open mind at school. The subject you think you hate right now might just be the one that you end up wanting to study. Oh, and that gap year you want to do? PLEASE take it, and don’t feel pressured to go straight to University. You’ve been through so much these past few years and you need to take some time to go through it. Get through your A Levels, and then have a nice rest. You’ve earned it.

I want you to know that you’re about to embark on some of the best years of your life. You’ll get to watch the sunset by a Welsh lake with all your friends, you’ll get to travel all over Europe and climb up a Swiss mountain. Those Camp America websites you’ve been looking at? You get to do that too. And it’s one of the most eye-opening experiences you’ve ever had. Keep an open mind though, and work bloody hard when you’re there.

And above everything else, I want you to know that it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel sad and anxious and scared and nostalgic. It’s okay to miss her. I miss her too. Never feel like you have to hold in your emotions for anyone. You’re going to realise something about yourself soon, and everything will make sense. Embrace it and love it, I know it’s hard. You are so brave and wonderful and you have so much to look forward to. Be brave and take chances, but when it’s all too much don’t be afraid to say no. Remember to look after yourself.

Keep smiling and keep going. It gets better, I promise.

Love, Lily x

~ Louise ~

Dear Louise,
I’m here to tell you not to panic. Everything feels like it’s not going to plan at the moment doesn’t it? You know you have something that makes you different to all the other girls your age and you feel alone and afraid but it does get better. You’ll find out soon that this is a common problem and treatable; so very treatable. Worrying about the future – the kind of future when you get dizzy from thinking it’s so far away but it’s going to come around so quickly – isn’t healthy. Focusing on YOU and being happy is a much better use of your energy.

Please don’t push away those people who care about you. They will leave – albeit temporarily – but it will take many unnecessary years and more pain to get them back; to build the relationship and friendship you’ve always wanted.

You’re now 28 and twelve years have gone by so fast and being sixteen with these problems pale in retrospect. You will become a great survivor and will endure so much more than you think possible. But don’t panic. You have it in you, even when you’re in the depths of depression and doubting your every fibre. You have got this down. This is just the beginning of the adventures... You’re going to love them!

Love and hugs,
Lou x

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The Fandom Connection

Now you may have realised that I rather like Harry Potter.

In the nearly 20 years (dear lord that's basically three-quarters of my life) since I first read Harry Potter along with an entire swathe of my generation, those books and that world have become so utterly ingrained in my life and personal identity that I *LITERALLY* could not imagine the kind of person I would be now if I'd never read Harry Potter.

Who in the world would I be if I hadn't grown up wanting to be Hermione Granger (I related to her big front teeth woes like crazy & obvs the bookish obsession was a given)? Who would I be now if I hadn't spent a worrying amount of time creating a mock-up Hogwarts letter for my original character (I believe I called her Natalie Parker) who I may have written stories about or at the very least did a lot of imagining about. I am damn near certain that I still have that letter in a folder somewhere in this house. I have drawings in a sketchbook that are Harry Potter-related and you should know that I am *not* an artist and my art skills are damn near zilch. Would I have been making up stories to roleplay in the playground in primary school if I hadn't read Harry Potter? Quite possibly, I was *that* kid.

None of these expressions of fandom ever made it to the internet like happened for a lot of people in the Harry Potter fandom, I was never on the fanfiction or fan-art sites so it wasn't until I was a lot older that I really engaged with other fans outside of my real-life friendship group - believe me not many of the folk I was friends with in high school were on the same level of obsessed I was.

Weirdly it was Twilight that brought me into the online fandom experience, with my meteoric rise & fall of love for that series back in 2008. If you are in the handful of people that have known me and Jess for a long-ass time then you might have heard the cute-yet-hilarious story of how we met and became the inseparable & slightly eerie double-act we are today. But pretty much from that time I spent ignoring work at Sixth Form to spend hours on the computer trawling the Twilight Lexicon for god knows what reason, I have run to the internet to find people who love the same things I do and talk about them.

Is this scarf all now a LIE??

Harry Potter is such a normalised part of my life, a staggering portion of my clothing is from Primark with it's ever-changing array of fandom stuff to collect like a fiend, it is not a weird thing for me to mentally sort people and characters from other book series into Hogwarts houses, I will make judgements about people I meet, especially if they are of a similar age to me and HAVE NOT READ THE BOOKS, even though I suppose it's unreasonable to expect everyone in my generation to have done so. The fact that the updated Pottermore sorting quiz recently put me in Gryffindor after I identified as Ravenclaw since I was probably about 10 was enough to rock my entire sense of identity.



But thanks to this fandom I'm friends with people who also don't find any of those things I just mentioned strange! I can say to someone "I think so-and-so is such a Hufflepuff" and that has meaning even when a word processor will be side-eyeing me with red squiggles. Harry Potter has created a whole language and value system that transcends the pages that J.K. Rowling wrote and has been absorbed in the cultural mindset of my generation and God how I love that.

I know there are other fandoms which have a similar importance in other people's lives as Harry Potter has in mine and if the internet has been able to bring a fraction of the awesome friendships & life-changing experiences to those people then I am ecstatically happy for them.

We all should be able to surround ourselves with the like-minded people who share our passions and strive for the best future we can imagine ourselves being a part of and connecting to those people through fandoms is often a brilliant stepping stone to deeper & lasting relationships that will exist long after the source of your fandom ceases to supply new materials for you to obsess over.

Obviously in the case of the Harry Potter fandom, 2016 is the year we all power back up into ultimate Potterheads and lose our collective minds in the joy of NEW SHINY STORIES. I for one, will be sobbing unashamedly the entire time I'm watching the Cursed Child in August and also probably during the Fantastic Beasts film in November. How about you?

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A Little Mentally Ill

It takes a lot for me to ask for help. Exactly three years ago, when I had completed my fifth week of working for a mental health charity, having hidden how much I was struggling with my own health, I was admitted to hospital for what would become a ten-week stay. I was 25, with no work history and no relationships to speak of, but I had a recently acquired degree, so I was so determined to do what I felt was expected of me as an adult. To do so, I suppressed my own needs, masking desperation with eagerness. I wanted other people to see that I was a productive human being. I did so at the cost of my mental health.

In the three years that have followed my hospital stay, I have had other, shorter admissions, crisis interventions, two years of therapy and at least fortnightly appointments with my community mental health team. I’m 28. Definitely an adult, but still feeling like a failure.

When I heard my care coordinator was leaving, the me who still has such a desire to appear well and capable decided that I could try to manage without support. After all this time, surely I should be able to manage living? With our last appointment being tomorrow, I was ready to try and support myself. Within days of making this decision, it became evident that it wouldn’t be a good idea. In fact, it would be dangerous. On a daily basis, I still struggle with keeping myself alive. I struggle not to harm myself. I struggle not to curl up into a ball and give up on life. “But you should be able to do this by now.”

In trying to look like what I think an adult should be, I push aside my mental health diagnoses. If I’m not able to work, if I can count my friends on no hands and if I’m reliant on regular support to keep myself alive, I can’t see myself as a worthwhile individual. I tell myself that my poor mental health needs must be hidden if I’m to do anything with my life. But this is where it went wrong before.

This week, I asked for help. I phoned my care coordinator ahead of our final appointment and told her that I need to have regular support in place for the foreseeable future. She told me that my psychiatrist had said he was “concerned” about me being without support. I can’t manage my day-to-day life without the guidance of mental health professionals. I’m not working. I have no salary. It feels like failure.

For the last eleven years, my life has been filled with the ups and downs of mental illness. It has seen suicide attempts, repeated self-harm, disordered eating and desperate sadness. At times, it has been unbearable. I feel so indescribably sad that I’m not able to do what I would like to do. But my decision over these last few days has been to accept who I am right now. I am a person with mental health issues. I don’t want to be defined by them. but they contribute to who I am and what I can do. To accept myself is to accept the state of my mental health.

It isn’t a sign of weakness to ask for help. Though my voice shook as I said I needed support, I felt empowered. It is strength to say that I can’t do this on my own. It’s strength to take who I am right now and still make it through a day. It’s strength to craft a story for my life that includes the challenges that mental illness brings. We are strong.

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