A Little More on Asexuality

Recently I was asked a question by a friend and I thought that it was quite important and probably quite helpful not just for said friend but for asexual awareness. And I really want to help other people to understand asexuality a little bit better.

The question was quite simple. How do you know you're asexual and that you haven't just found the right person yet?

Now I'm not saying that meeting the right person won't change how I feel about sex, so it is possible that I simply haven't met the right person.

However, despite that, the reason that I know I'm an asexual is a lot more to do with meeting the right person and simply knowing what I am like and what, incidentally, I like.  

As a person growing up in this world, it is hard not to see all the references to sexual attraction. It is there in books, there in films and most likely it is there with the people around you as well. That reaction that people get when they see someone physically attractive. The way that they want to have sex because of how someone looks. 

This is not something I have ever felt. I have admired a lot of people for their beauty and very much enjoyed looking at handsome men on TV but I wouldn't end up daydreaming about them or feel anything sexual towards them at all. It is more just an appreciative-ness for their beauty.

Of course, that in itself does not make a person asexual as it might just mean that they've never found someone sexually attractive. But when this feeling is combined with a lack of fantasising about sex at all, questions need to be asked and answered within yourself. Which is where I found myself. And I tried. I tried to have sex and I tried to be sexually active but I never truly got into that "zone". 

When I fantasise, I always imagine other people having sex. I never, ever imagine what it would be like to have sex myself. It literally never even comes into my brain. Trust me when I tell you that when you read books and watch TV or film and people fantasise about sex all the time, it makes you very aware of how little you care about it.

I am not going to lie to you. I have been with three people in my life sexually. And each and every time different things happened. In the first instance, my body reacted. I very much enjoyed my sexual experience but what I liked most was not so much being pleased but being able to please my partner (who was also my boyfriend at the time). The second time wasn't very good at all. He was a little too forceful in trying to get me to touch him that when he tried to touch me I ended up pushing him off and leaving. And the final time I was too drunk and he was too drunk and I just didn't want to do anything and as soon as he realised he wasn't getting any, he left sharpish.

So maybe my sexual experience isn't enough to determine that I'm asexual. Because I haven't given anyone enough chance to see if I might like sex, right?

But here's the thing. I don't want to see if I might like sex.

I literally have no desire to have sex.

And that is why I know that I am an asexual. And I am 100% okay with that. And maybe one day I will find someone to spend my life with who feels the same. Loves me for who I am and all of that.

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There's something I've been meaning to mention...

So I vaguely hinted several months ago that I wanted to write a post related to Faye's post about her asexuality but then didn't actually write that post for whatever reasons (usually because I'm awful at getting my posts done ahead of when I'm meant to be posting and I didn't really want to rush this one). Yes I may be writing this at 11pm but I can't avoid doing it any longer.

Several of my friends already know this about me as it's something we've discussed at several points over this year, I've gotten more comfortable with owning this aspect of myself although it's probably not something I will be explaining to my parents any time soon because they will likely be a bit confused as to what it means for my long-term relationship. But I digress.

I'm Demisexual. Also Bi (whether sexual/romantic I'm not entirely sure).

Image source

Yeah. That. If you don't happen to frequent the internet bubbles that I usually inhabit, Demisexuality may not be a label that you've come across before. Simply put; if Asexuality is the absence of sexual attraction/desire then Demisexuals reside partway along the spectrum back towards hetero/homo/bi/pan-sexuality. For a super cool comic on Asexuality here's Alice Oseman being staggeringly talented as always.

Demisexuals like me tend to only feel sexual attraction to people we have strong emotional bonds to, e.g. people we're in romantic relationships with. For me it also means that even within a relationship I don't often feel the desire for sex (with a partner anyway but that's another thing...). Until recently this lack of desire bothered me because I thought something was wrong or defective with me that I didn't want to have sex as often as I thought "normal people" should.

I'll be honest, I was fairly late in ditching the imaginary V-card. I was not far off 20 when I "fled the nunnery" as I termed it at the time despite being two and a half years into what ended up as a three year relationship (first of only two long-term bfs, nearing four & a half years with Le Boyf). Not that we were chaste little chaps for all that time but we didn't actually do the entire deed until 2010 and after that no more than a handful of times before we split up.

Then followed 18 months of singledom. Which was fine. When I met for drinks with some school friends during this time they'd lament to me how terrible it was that they'd not had sex for two weeks, I sat there and shrugged saying "talk to me when you're over a year." In actuality I was probably getting off far more than they were and I didn't need or want a bloke for it. I had myself.

I'm sure a lot of Safe Space readers know of Grace Latter and her infamous & brilliant blog post on Female Masturbation. When I read it I was like "yas!" only I was waaaay earlier to this game. At the age of 26 I can actually say that I've been getting mine for half my damn life. All through high school I was never interested in having sex because I didn't really see the need for it when I could dole out my own pleasure as and when I wanted it. No reason to deal with messy teenage boys at all!

In some respects I wonder if this influenced my demisexuality because in the years I wasn't having sex I'd been imagining what it would be like but then when I actually did it, it never felt as mind-blowingly awesome as I'd thought it should and that feeling has persisted. It morphs into anxiety & over-awareness of what I'm feeling and that I'm not enjoying it as much as I think I ought to be which is obviously only going to make me more tense etc.

So I don't have sex very often. And that's totally cool, it doesn't mean I love Le Boyf any less or that our relationship is without physical affection, that's just how I roll as a Demisexual. You get me?

But I should talk about the other flag I fly under. It's become very apparent to me in the last year or two that I don't just find men attractive. I can't tell you how many times I've been scrolling through tumblr, seen a picture of Daisy Ridley and thought "my god, could you *be* any more glorious?" I could start a list of the actresses I find attractive but then this post will be even longer than it is.

Identifying as Bi is slightly more complicated for me as the Demisexual aspect means my attraction to men or women is less "I wanna have sex with you" and more "I am super enthralled by your face/clothes/personality/creative skills and want to mildly stalk you on the internet". Obviously being in a committed long-term relationship means that any attractions I do have will not be acted upon but that doesn't mean I can't flail about on Twitter that I want to marry Kate McKinnon (who doesn't?).

I hope this long-winded tour of my sexuality has cleared up a few things. I know I have confused folk in the past :P It's also really good to get this all out there. *and breathe*

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All About That Positivity

It came to my attention at the beginning of this week that it was #asexualityawareness week. Now, with that and with my promise that I would now be a more vocal voice for the asexual community, I thought today was a perfect opportunity to talk to you about the positives of being asexual and of being out about it.

Because we can sometimes get dragged down by the negatives of things. The difficulties we face fitting in, the terror of coming out, the struggles we continue to face when we meet new people, etc. And today, I just want to push all of that aside. I want to stand up and say, yeah, that stuff happens but also, there are good things about this sexuality, it's not all doom and gloom!

So yeah, here's just a little list of the things that I have found really positive about asexuality and about being honest about my sexuality.

• Our label is Ace. 

I mean. Seriously. How cool is that? I get to just stand up and shout "I'm ACE" to the world. If, you know, I felt like it.

• The Community.

Okay, in all honesty I've still not dived fully into the community yet because, busy, but from what I've seen so far, everyone is so incredibly amazing. There's support if you need it. Advice if you need it. Love if you need it. No one judging. Everyone understanding. It is literally a wonderful thing.

• LGBT Community.

So, I do still a little bit like an outsider in this community, a participant who often gets missed BUT I also love it so much. I love the camaraderie and the support and the love and just, they all get it. They understand the coming out issues. The struggles of not being heteronormative. And they will be there for you as much as they can be.

• #AsexualityAwareness Week

This may seem odd in here but honestly, this is so incredible. When I was a teenager I didn't even know asexuality existed and now there's an awareness week for it. I mean, how wonderful is that? Someone may be struggling to understand themselves, struggling to fit in and then they might stumble across something online this week and it might just click for them and that is just incredible to think about.

• Helping Others.

Okay, I am not going to go out on a limb here and say that my coming out post on here did help people but I do know that some people have come to me to say they understand themselves a little better now. I know that I've been thanked for my words and supported by a lot of people. So while I know I may not be making a huge difference in the world, if by being out and proud of being Ace helps make a huge difference to one person's world, then I'll take it. We all need to support each other.

• Educating Others.

I'm not a teacher and while I used to want to be a teacher, I no longer feel I could do the job. However coming out as ace to some of my friends was an interesting experience because despite having trans, bi and gay friends, they had never heard of asexuality. So it meant that I could educate my friends on what my sexuality is. What it means for me and how it differs from person to person. Meaning that my friends now have a further understanding of the world that they didn't have before and that is pretty spectacular.

• No More Pretending.

When I was growing up, I had to try hard to fit in. I had to talk about boys in a way that I never truly felt and I was worried that people would work out that something was wrong with me so I even went so far as to date boys too. Needless to say it never worked out. But now that I'm out in the open about everything, I no longer have to say things like: "I would get into his bed so fast, the world would collapse." - And yes, I have said things like this before now.

• I am who I am.

I know who I am. It's such a weird concept and it's hard to describe to people who have never truly had that clarifying feeling about their lives but now that I understand more about asexuality, now that I know what it is and that I relate to it, I feel so much more confident in myself. I feel at peace with my body. I no longer have to try and get it to feel something deep inside when looking at other people because I am fully comfortable in the understanding that I never will. I can appreciate physically attractive people on a base level and then continue on with my life without ever thinking of them again.

That's all I can think of right now. I am sure there are more but mostly I am just happy to be "out of the closet" (even if I hate that expression) because I feel so much more comfortable but I also know that there are reasons to not share your asexualness with people. So I want to finish by saying that please do not feel pressure to tell the world about your sexuality. You need to do what is right for you. But I also want you to know that no matter who you are or where you are, I will always be here for you.

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My Ace Journey

This weekend an army of LGBT-ers and LGBT supporters have been at London for Pride. A weekend dedicated to being proud and being proud to support people who aren't heterosexual. And thus I decided that this weekend was the perfect weekend to share my story with you. Because, I am not a heterosexual. Instead, I belong to the A of LGBTQIA. Not Ally. But Asexual.

*takes deep breathe.*

That's one of the few times I've actually written that down. One of the few times I've also acknowledged my sexuality for what it is. And it is definitely the first time that I have been so open and public about it. 

So I just want to say that again.

I am asexual.

You may or may not know what that means and that is totally okay. It's one of those quiet sexualities. One of the ones that hides into the background, just like I used to do. The wikipedia definition says:

"Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to anyone, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity."

That seems pretty cut and dried, right? But actually, asexuality is a beast. It has many different forms, sub-forms, etc, etc. It would take more than just a blog post to explain all of that to you so instead, if you are interested in learning more about it, please take some time to look over this website: www.asexuality.org.

But as I mentioned in my title, this is about my journey. Mostly this is going to be a pretty short history because I don't want this post to go on too long, but I feel I should share my experience so that I might be able to help someone in some way.

As A Teenager

I'm going to be honest with you here because I had no idea that asexuality existed when I was a teenager. But I knew that I was different. All of my friends talked constantly about sex. It was on the TV, in films, in books. It was everywhere, basically, and I just never felt interested. I'd watch it and wonder what the fuss was all about. I'd joke about it and join in conversations about it but I never really understood this "primal desire" that people got. I heard people say things like "he is so hot, I'd get him in bed so fast", etc. And I'd be confused. Because I did find people attractive. From celebrities to other people I met but that "feeling" and "need" to sleep with them was absent. I was just able to observe and appreciate their beauty but I never had any sexual attraction.

So being a teenager was hard. I ended up playing a role. Pretending I was interested. I said things I didn't feel. Joked around and tried to act "clued up" when really I was floundering. I just couldn't fathom any of it. Not really. Not on a primal, natural level anyway.

Then I got my first serious boyfriend. He was definitely more experienced than myself but he was also still a virgin. I was seventeen and obviously very inexperienced. I had, until that point, only kissed someone else. And it was awkward, and uncomfortable and I didn't really feel like doing it again. With my then boyfriend, I tried to feel things. I tried to force the butterflies into my stomach and the sexual urges to arrive but mostly, I didn't feel much. I got some natural pleasure when we did some sexual acts but a lot of the time I felt odd and indifferent to it all. I much preferred to make him feel pleasure than actually feel pleasure myself - which he obviously had no issues with.

That relationship only lasted five months and we didn't get much further than foreplay. Mostly because we were taking it at my pace and I, naturally I now realise, never felt ready.

The University Years

University was hard. No longer was there just talk about sex during breaktimes and lunchtimes. Now there was people actually having sex. Night outs where the guys were eyeing up all the girls. Friends that would abandon me halfway through the night to go home with a guy they'd met. Roommates having sex that I could hear through walls. It was everywhere. It was also getting harder and harder for me to deny that something definitely wasn't right with me.

Because the one very obvious thing happening was that I wasn't having sex. I chalked it down to wanting a relationship with someone first. I was obviously still a virgin and I wanted to break that cherry with someone I cared about. This is what I told all of my friends. I just wasn't the kind of person who wanted to have one night stands and I was struggling to find someone to settle down with. This is also what I, myself, believed. I still didn't know about asexuality. So I was certain that when I found the right person everything would just feel right. That was what everyone was telling me too. 

The Blogging Years

In my last year of university I started my book blog. I started reading more, including lots of LGBT fiction. And then I met up with other book bloggers. Formed relationships and was suddenly learning that there was more than just Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Trans people. That there was a lot of other sexualities too. And then I heard about asexuality. And it was like a lightbulb went off in my brain. 

But I didn't identify as asexual straight away because I still wasn’t sure. I didn’t know enough about it and maybe I still just hadn’t found the right person yet. Maybe I would feel something if I was with someone I felt emotionally attracted too. So I pushed the thought away, kept living my life as I was and left it as it was. There were still parts of me that made me wonder if I was asexual at all – I did fantasize about other people and I did pleasure myself so maybe I was just getting it all wrong.

And then I watched a youtube video of someone talking about how they were asexual. A kind of asexual that fantasizes about other people having sex (i.e. in fanfics) but never wanting sex themselves. And that lightbulb in my head burnt a lot brighter so I started to research asexuality more and realised that this was it. This explained me so much. I do not want sex. Ever. And that is totally okay. I have also learnt that I am not the kind of person that could be in a poly relationship. If I am in a relationship, I need to know I’m the only person with that person.

So there we have it. My journey from teenager to now. Where I feel comfortable with my sexuality. Enough to share it with you and explain what it is like for me. I am still struggling to date but this is because I do not feel comfortable enough to explain that I do not want sex. I am worried that every guy I meet will never understand my not wanting sex and I’ll get attached and then they’ll leave me devastated and alone.

But I am certain that one day I will find someone who will be my best friend and my boyfriend. Someone who will understand my need to sleep in my own bed. Someone who will laugh with me and cuddle with me and kiss me and understand that it may never go much further than that. Because we live in a wonderful world and I have faith.

That or I’ll just have to become a crazy cat lady, eh? 

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