What Makes Me, Me - Kate

Like most people, as soon as I'm asked what makes me, me, my mind goes blank. I forget all my habits, qualities and quirks. It's like that horrible job interview where you're asked to stand up, introduce yourself to the rest of the group, and tell them an interesting fact about yourself. Suddenly, I'm a boring, empty canvas. I can't recall my favourite place, a phrase I say too often, or why I crush egg shells before I throw them away – (EDIT: it's a super cool superstition – Google it).

For a while, I stared at my blank screen, desperate for anything to say. A few things eventually did come to mind.

• I overthink everything (proven by this blog post)
• I look like a frug – frog x pug
• I care too much about what people think
• My feet are odd – some say deformed, I like to say further evolved
• I trust too easily and love too hard
• I really need to stop talking in that strange goblinesque accent to everyone but my dog

The list went on, and reading back over it, I realised that every bullet point was self-depreciating. Even my (attempt at) wit couldn't disguise that. Society has raised young women to feel uncomfortable with every aspect of their being – their opinions, their bodies, their intelligence, their sense of humour, their appearance, their sexuality...

Too often, we, as young women, are told what is wrong with us. Not what is right with us.

It's become such an epidemic that I, like many others, feel uncomfortable verbalising what we like about ourselves. It's much easier (and more socially acceptable) to list our flaws and pitfalls when asked to define what makes us unique.

Despite this realisation, I still didn't really know how to answer that simple question – what makes me, me? I reached out to my closest friends to see what they thought, after all, they know me better than I know myself. They see through my deflective wit, barrel through my walls, and make me laugh until my crudely applied eyeliner is no more.

This is what they had to say...

Marriam – cat lady / expert colour coordinator:

'Kate is my travelling partner in crime. Her retreating back is a regular feature in my photos of historical monuments, usually because she's grown bored of waiting for me to absorb every little detail. We've spent a lot of time together since she cornered me before a uni lecture on Renaissance literature, so I know a few of her tics and habits. She rubs her hands together like a fly when nervous. 'Mhm' usually means she's stopped listening. She likes her toast burnt and cold, and obsessively brushes her teeth. She also always has to sit in the seat with the best 'feng shui' at a restaurant or coffee shop.'

Jaz – 60's throwback / hater of orcs and dragons

'Kate is on WhatsApp around the clock, which is great when I need her advice or to send her memes. She underestimates herself, but she's a brilliant writer, and an even better friend. She's quick-witted and intelligent, and she makes amazing cakes (which I will hopefully be rewarded with for writing this testimony!)'

Ruth – football fanatic/ despiser of food with flavour

'The most prominent quality that springs to mind is Kate's attention to detail, whether it be in conversation or just general observations in day to day life. She often uses this to comfort a friend, or to do the complete opposite, and spin a wild tale that inevitably becomes a ridiculous story and treasured in-joke.'

So, hello Safe Space. I'm Kate & I can confirm that no friends were harmed in the making of this blog post.  I'm a twenty four year old Cancerian, who is part frog, part pug, part fly, it seems. I'm a YA junkie who moonlights as a Commissioning Editor. I eat ketchup with everything, have watched Dexter a grand total of eleven times, and dream of crushing patriarchy. Pleased to meet you.

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Fantastic Besties (and Where to Find Them)

I am a massive Potterhead. I am part of the generation who grew up with Harry Potter, who eagerly awaited each new books release. I cried when I watched the last film, was one of the first people in the world to see The Cursed Child and I have Harry Potter merchandise scattered around my bedroom. To say that I am a fan is an understatement, Harry Potter is part of who I am, and it makes up my very essence as a person.

Naturally, like many Potter fans, I was very excited when Fantastic Beasts was announced so much so that months in advance I made plans with my three best friends Chelle, Ray and Faye to go and see the film, however this wouldn’t be a normal outing.

Those who have followed my journey here on Safe Space will know that I’ve been making massive progress with my agoraphobia, PTSD and anxiety this past year and I decided that I wanted to tackle my biggest challenge yet: going to the area where my abusive ex lives to go to the cinema and watch Fantastic Beasts. I haven't set foot in this part of town for years and I finally felt like I was ready to tackle my biggest demon.

And then, the Johnny Depp casting news was announced.

For some Potter fans, this was nothing more than a distasteful choice (if problematic to them at all) but when I read the news I actually broke down in tears. You see, Harry Potter has always been a safe space for me. It was also a massive source of comfort to me when I came out of the abusive relationship. When I was bruised and broken it gave me the strength to get up and fight and restored my faith in humanity. So Johnny Depp, a known abuser, being cast felt like a massive betrayal to me, I felt so let down and for a time I felt lost. I made the personal choice to not support this part of the Wizarding World and cancelled my plans to see this film telling my friends to go and see it without me. That was when something unexpected happened.

I woke up to a message saying that they’d been talking and they would rather not see the film and see me instead, a decision that I found incredibly moving. So on the 20th November, the day that we were supposed to go and see Fantastic Beasts, we got together and went for a meal at a pub right next to the cinema so that I could still face my biggest trigger with them by my side.

Looking back I still can’t quite believe that I did it, especially because I was so incredibly anxious that morning but my girls got me through. Over the past year I have faced so many of my demons and they have been by my side every step of the way. They are my Harry, Ron and Hermione not letting me face the darkness alone. They are the tribe that I dreamed of someday finding ever since I was a little girl who learnt what true friendship is from these books.

Magic aside, at the core of Harry Potter is the message of standing up for what you believe to be right, which is something that I feel like I did that day for the women and men in the world who live in fear of their abusers, but also for myself. I took a stand that said this is not okay, I am not supporting that and did something for myself instead and my friends cared about me enough to support me in my decision. Forget Fantastic Beasts, I have fantastic friends and they can be found by my side, always.

If you enjoyed this post, you can find more on: 

 Bloglovin' | Twitter | Jess Hearts Books

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When Your Mum Becomes Your Friend

Today, I want to talk about my mum and my relationship with her. As a child and teenager, both my parents were pretty strict. My brother and I had rules and boundaries, and neither of my parents would take any crap from us. No-one likes their parents really laying in to them, right? So we were pretty well behaved children (apart from the odd fight between ourselves). Which led to us getting on pretty well with our parents as youngsters. And like mums are, Mum was always there; when we'd fallen over and hurt ourselves, when we needed help with our homework, and when we just needed someone to talk to.

I don't know at what age my relationship with Mum changed, but it did. Sometime in my late teens, I'd guess, Mum stopped being simply My Parent and became my friend. That might sound kind of corny, but it's important to me, and something I'm so grateful for. There are a lot of people out there who don't have great relationships with their parents, and I'm just so glad that I do.

Mum is my mother, and I am her daughter, but we have the kind of personalities that just work well together. Mum had me a month before her 19th birthday, so there isn't a huge age gap, and although in some ways we're pretty different, in others we are pretty similar. We both make the effort to find time for each other, and will have days out, whether it's going to the cinema, going shopping, or going out for a meal. Other times, we'll plan nights in. We'll get a take away, buy some goodies, and watch a movie. It's not just so we can have some mother/daughter time, but because we genuinely enjoy each others company.

There's the added bonus that because we're mother and daughter we can trust each other to be honest when asking the other for advice or their opinion, when it comes to something small like outfit choices, or for help making a tough decision (though, to be honest, that is more me asking than Mum). I love how I can talk to my mum about anything, not just as my mother, but also as my friend. Depending on the subject, sometimes she'll be in full-on mother mode if she's worrying about me - after all, I am her baby - but she will also talk to me as a fellow woman. We'll have deep discussions about topics we feel are important, and sometimes we'll disagree, and sometimes we'll educate each other. Sometimes Mum will give me the perspective of someone with more experience, and sometimes I'll give that of someone a little younger, for a generation where things are changing when, for example, it comes to society's attitudes about women.

As you can tell, I've always been pretty close to my mum, but I have appreciated our relationship more since my nan died. Mum was close to Nan, and Nan's death, though expected, broke her heart. She no longer has her mum, which makes me even more grateful that I have mine and that our relationship is so wonderful, yet so sad that she no longer has that mother-friend in her life. It's made me think about the inevitable moment when I will lose my mum, and how absolutely devastating it will be. But then I remember I still have her, and fully revel in the time we spend together.

I don't think there's anything quite like a mother-daughter relationship, but that relationship becomes even more special when you can call your mother your friend.



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If you enjoyed this post, you can find more on:
Bloglovin' | Twitter | Jo's Scribbles

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6 Month Anniversary: What Safe Space Has Taught Us

Today marks the 6th month anniversary of Safe Space and boy has time flown! Since starting Safe Space I’ve definitely gone on a journey and changed as a person and so today to celebrate the 6 month mark, the Safe Space team are sharing how being a part of Safe Space has changed them and what we’ve learnt about ourselves along the way.

Jess: I can’t believe that Safe Space is already six months old! I’m so proud of what we’ve achieved in that time and am excited to see what is to come in the next six months. When I first had the idea for this blog, I had a very clear vision in my mind of what I wanted this website to be and I feel very lucky that I’ve been able to work with some wonderful women who have already made that dream a reality.

Since creating Safe Space, I have learnt so much about both blogging and myself. I’ve learned new skills, how to write personal articles and how to manage and organize a team. But what has stuck with me the most is what I have learnt from reading the posts written by my co-bloggers. I’ve learnt about their individual experiences as women, how they grew up, and the things they’ve struggled with in life. As I’ve gotten to know each of them a little better through their posts over time, I have learnt that I am not alone with my thoughts and feelings. Before starting this blog I never could have imagined how many times I would read a post and relate so strongly to what’s been said. Online it’s very easy to only see the highlights of other people's lives, you never get to know what is really going on behind the scenes, you don’t get to see those days of self-doubt and insecurity, nobody wants to document the bad days. I feel very honored that so many women have shared their personal experiences on this blog and I’m proud of the supportive and honest space we have created together that doesn’t shy away from showing the good, the bad and the ugly of growing up as a woman.

I think the most important thing that Safe Space has taught me is that I have a voice. I have thoughts and opinions that mean something and when shared with other people, have the power to change things. Being able to be so open and honest and get such fantastic feedback has given me more confidence in myself and what I have to say. Safe Space has taught me so much in such a short time and I’m looking forward to seeing what else I learn about myself in the future.

Faye: The first thing I feel I should mention on this post is that I almost didn’t join Safe Space. When Jess first advertised looking for bloggers I was unsure if I could commit to it but then Jess finally, somehow, talked me round until I agreed and I am so glad she did because Safe Space is a blog that I love so much. It has taught me so much, I’ve grown in confidence both in person and online, I feel like I’m a much better person now than I was six months ago and while that isn’t all down to this blog, I know that a lot of it is because of this blog.

For example, six months ago I never would have gone out to a restaurant alone and I have now done this three times (thank you Debbie!), I never would have had the guts to come out of the closet (yay!), I never would have had the confidence to start wearing dresses again (thank you Jess!) or to not shave for a long time (thank you Jo!) or to even consider not wearing a bra (thank you Caitlin!). I have learnt so much from all of the amazing women who are a part of the Safe Space team and I feel like I can call them my friends too. They’re all so inspiring and wonderful.

In the last six months, I also believe (correct me if I’m wrong!), my writing has grown stronger as I become more confident of stepping into the limelight and shining it brightly on all of my issues. I feel stronger, prouder, and less alone. So for that, I just want to thank Jess again for creating Safe Space and for helping to convince me to join the team.

Laura: Woweee! Six months?! It feels like yesterday I started as part of the Safe Space Team. But what a lovely six months it has been; the ladies in this team feel like close friends and I love them all so much!

The biggest thing I’ve learnt during my time writing for Safe Space is that you really can’t ever judge a person because you will never know what’s going on behind the scenes in their life. I always like to think I’m very empathetic and try my hardest to be non-judgemental about every facet of my life but sometimes it’s hard. However Safe Space has constantly reminded me that just because people look like they’ve got their shit together, they might actually not have said shit together at all. I’ve been so proud of the stories, experiences and love that has been shared through the 100 posts we’ve managed to write so far! I feel so lucky to know such an inspiring, brave and beautiful team of women and know that even though they’ve been through hell and back, they’re still smiling, still going and willing to share their experiences with others in the hope that it’ll help someone else.

Personally, I’ve found writing a lot of the posts to be a very cathartic experience allowing me to re-live memories or talk about how I’m feeling without censoring myself at all. I’ve always found writing helps me to sort my head out and gives me a chance to explore how I feel and I’ve learnt a lot about myself in the past half a year whilst writing my posts. I feel like Safe Space is a genuinely safe place to talk about things without fear of judgement or ridicule and I am so thankful to Jess for starting up such a great place on the internet!

Long live Safe Space!!

Ray: Over the last 6 months I have written 11 posts for Safe Space and honestly? Sometimes I’m still not sure if I deserve to be be part of this team of amazing women who write so brilliantly and eloquently on such important subjects. I said as much in my first post and the feeling has never entirely gone away.

Blogging for Safe Space has been a painfully cathartic experience at times and I’m not sure if I’m a better person for it...yet. It’s fairly safe for me to say that this year has been a slow slide into the worst period of mental health that I can recall. I spent most of July tearing through books like they were giving me oxygen and finally cracked the tightly-sealed bottle of “shit I don’t talk about to anyone” enough to actually admit that I was feeling like hell to some of the most important people in my life.

I do think that being a part of Safe Space has helped me in that I’ve felt less alone with some of the mess in my head and it’s given me the confidence to open up to other people when before I would have simply bottled up my darker thoughts and feelings so I didn’t bother anyone with them. But I think there’s still quite a way to go for me - hopefully my fellow Safe Spacers will continue to inspire me to take the steps I need to get myself back on more stable ground. Here’s to the next 100 posts.

Debbie: Most of the time I still feel like a Safe Space fraud, as my posts are so far between, and also I don’t feel they are half as amazing as the other girls, but I am so grateful to be part of the team. One of the things that has surprised me most about the past six months is how much I’ve learnt. Not just factual things such as about feminism or medication, but also personally about my fellow bloggers and those I am lucky enough to call my friends. It has definitely brought me closer to my lovely flatmate Faye, as we have often hashed out Safe Space ideas together and talked about our worries and fears about posts. Every month I still panic about what to write and whether it will be good enough or important enough, but if I am taking away anything from the 6 months of Safe Space it is this: just be brave, in whatever way you feel comfortable with. I’ve witnessed the other girls take so many amazing steps, and I can’t wait to see what comes next!

Jo: I can’t believe six months has gone by already! It feels like we’ve been blogging together for forever, but also feels like it’s flown by!

Safe Space has done so much for me as a writer. I’d had my own writing/lifestyle blog, Jo’s Scribbles, for maybe a little over a year before joining Safe Space, but I had only really started trying to post regularly a month before Jess sent out a request for people to become members of Safe Space. Despite book blogging and studying Journalism at uni, I was full of self-doubt about writing about things that are important to me. “Would anyone care? There are so many people saying these things better than you, why bother? Why would anyone read what you write?” But with Safe Space, I have a set day every two weeks, which got me writing more regularly, and as there are a group of us, the pressure was off me to provide all the interesting content, so it felt like a good idea. But what I wasn’t expecting was finding such good friends in the Safe Space team members; friends who read each other’s posts, friends who give feedback, and friends who are constantly encouraging and complimentary about each other’s posts. And that’s on top of our wonderful readers who genuinely enjoy our posts and say such lovely things. Being a team member of Safe Space has made me so much more confident in my writing, in what I have to say - so much so that not only do I now write about whatever topic I feel I have something to say about here and on my own blog, but I’m now a regular contributor to other online platforms after becoming confident enough to pitch my writing to them.

I’m also more comfortable in sharing my opinion on, how I feel about, or my experience of a topic and confident in my voice. It doesn’t matter if people disagree or if other people have said something similar before, what I have to say is important, and my experiences and thoughts are unique to me. And, sometimes, what I write helps others, makes them think, or inspires them. That’s such a wonderful thing to be able to do for other people, and not something I would have ever imagined I’d be in a position to do. I have come on leaps and bounds since joining Safe Space, and I will be forever grateful to Jess for allowing me to be a part of something so wonderful. Safe Space is such fantastic place that makes others feel less alone - myself included.

And, finally, being a member of Safe Space and reading my fellow team members posts on mental illness partly led to me realising I have one myself and getting the help I need. And I’ve had such wonderful support from my fellow team members. Safe Space has literally changed my life.

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How Loved Ones See Us

In general, people don’t see themselves very clearly. We put ourselves down, suffer with self-doubt, or just don’t think very highly of ourselves. But when this happens, our friends and family rally behind us, feeding us positivity and encouragement. This is because they can see us for who we truly are. They see us, whereas when we look at ourselves, it’s through the reflection of a distorted mirror, like at a funfair, that our negativity becomes.

For today’s group post, the friends and family of Jo, Jess, Faye and Ray will introduce you to the people they see, know and love, with our responses; compared to their description of us, how distorted is our view of ourselves? And how does it feel that these people they see are actually us?

Jo’s Best Friend Adam (who calls her Red due to her hair colour):

Red is a very close friend of mine. She's smart, funny and a lifelong reader. She loves the occasional drop or two of tequila. Always there if I need to rant a little, or a lot, and doesn't judge.
She's a cool geek and we can talk about everything from Doctor Who, to classic literature. She puts herself down a lot. But I suppose we all do. I've always thought she has no reason to, though. She's kind and loyal and I don't hold the fact that she's English against her [Jo: He’s Irish *eye roll*].
Mainly though, she's my friend. I trust her with anything. And I can't imagine life now without her in it.

Jo’s Reaction:

So I read what Adam wrote and mostly smiled. The tequila, the cool geek, the English comment. Things we've joked about quite often in our six year friendship. I was surprised to read I put myself down a lot. I actually thought I was doing pretty well in how I talk about and view myself. Perhaps I put myself down more than I actually realise, unconciously, without even thinking. Perhaps it's becoming habitual, that I don't even consider it putting myself down, and rather just something I do - or something that's not considered at all. That's really, really sad. I intend to be more aware of how I talk about myself, the words I use, and my thinking behind them. It might be hard, but I really think I need to do better.

But... that very last line made me pretty emotional. And I guess here is where I see Adam's point about me putting myself down, because, well, I've always considered that in our friendship, I benefit more than he does. I've had a tough time over the previous couple of years, and to be honest, I don't know how I would have got through them without leaning on Adam. I've leaned on him a lot. I've had a lot to cry and rant about, and a lot that scared me. It left me feeling our friendship was unbalanced, that Adam wasn't getting as much from me as I was from him. I put down my ability to be a friend, and although I knew Adam valued our friendship, I couldn't help worrying that maybe our friendship would peter out when he got tired of me leaning on him and having to hold me up. So reading that last line... it made me super happy, but there was this huge sense of relief. 'He does want to be my friend!' I thought. It sounds pathetic typing that (there I go again, eh?), but it's what I thought. I had no real reason to feel our friendship was rocky, but that last line reassured me of how solid our friendship is. But even without how I worried about our friendship, that last line is pretty amazing, huh? 

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Jess’ Best Friend Ray:

How do I even begin to describe Jess? Eight years ago we were two Twilight fangirls who started mutually stalking each other on various bookish threads and now here we are – best friends, soul twins, Threadsisters (ask me about that reference), two peas in a very weird pod who can’t imagine life anymore without the other. I could reel off an enormous list of superlatives that still wouldn’t cover who she is to me. Kind, generous, whip-smart, passionate like you wouldn’t believe, supportive, loyal like only a Hufflepuff can be, STRONG AS FUCK- I’m not messing she is cuddly and wonderful on the outside but ruffle this Hufflepuff’s feathers then you’re in some serious shit and you’ll know it.

Jess pours so much of herself into her work online and sometimes when doubt creeps in and makes her question whether all that time and effort is worth it, I want to snatch those thoughts away so they won’t bother her because she works incredibly hard and *so* many people love and appreciate her for what she does. She hauls me back up when I’m feeling crap and I do everything in my power to do the same for her. Jess will also boss me around like a long-serving spouse in such a way that I can’t ever get mad at her. Which she totally knows and is proud of because she is living that Hermione Granger life like a BOSS.

Jess – you know me better than I know myself half the time and I am endlessly awed by your magnificence. You are magic.

Jess’s Reaction:

Wow, reading this was very emotional and by the time I reached the end I had tears trickling down my cheeks. I’m going to have to get this printed out and framed to put in my bedroom so that I can look at it on days when I’m feeling sad or doubting myself. I think that what I love most about what Ray has shared is that as well as all of the good things she sees and loves about me, she also loves the not so great traits just as much (I am bossy as HELL) because they make me me, her best friend. It’s so nice to know that I have someone in my life who sees me so clearly and who loves all of me not just the good parts.

-----------------------------------   Faye’s Best Friend Michelle: 

I met Faye through twitter when I started my book blog at the end of 2014 and we have become good friends ever since. I feel like I have known Faye for years and years. All my life. This is a credit to her kind, caring and welcoming nature. I see Faye as loyal and loving to her friends and family. She is always there to listen and to give you a hug when you need it in real life or a virtual hug. Faye listens and gives good honest advice when needed. To me Faye’s smile and laugh brighten up any room and her snuggles make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I also know Faye in a professional capacity. She is organised and enthusiastic about everything she is involved with and her ideas are always bright and imaginative. I also see that sometimes Faye can lack confidence in the things she does, but everything she does is amazing so I am going to take this opportunity to say Faye, you are a brave and wonderful human being, believe this and carry on being you! I love you very much!

Faye’s Reaction: 

First of all, I have to say that this paragraph about me made me cry. Because I would never have said any of those things about myself. I know that I care deeply about others and that I’m loyal, it almost physically hurts when someone I love is hurting and there’s nothing I can do to help. But I would also say I’m hard to get along with, shut off from the world, and can be a very infuriating person. I also feel like I go over the top with enthusiasm and that my laugh and hyperness is annoying and I’m so self-conscious of how awful my laugh sounds. But I do admit, I love big bear hugs. She definitely has it right on about my professional self, I definitely lack confidence, and even as I read those compliments I am still sitting here doubting they’re true but appreciating that she sees me that way. Maybe one day I’ll believe that it’s true.

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Ray’s Boyfriend Mark:

Rachel is a person of two halves.

The first, a backseat driver. Happy to stay in bed late; put things off as long as possible; avoid responsibility whenever possible; and downplay her own achievements.

The second, a practical superwoman. She reads at the speed of light; is incredibly intelligent; absorbs knowledge like a basking lizard; and picks up new skills first try, aiming to master them instantly. She is incredibly empathetic to those in need around her, always ready to lend an ear and shouldering the burdens of others. She can be incredibly active; happy to go on long walks, camping, swimming, climbing (potentially) and generally open to wacky and wonderful activities such as indoor sky-diving.

Rachel's biggest flaw is that she has a tendency to leave her superwoman costume in the closet, happy to take the path of least resistance. With a little dusting of the costume she could achieve pretty much anything she could ever want. A little more confidence and faith in her abilities and she could have her own army of fans.

Ray’s Reaction: 

Hoo boy, there was a few emotions leaking from my eyes just then. Wow. I would be the first person to agree with everything in that first paragraph, there is no denying how much I love my sleep and if my tweets from the last year were used as evidence I’d be convicted of extreme procrastination in a heartbeat.
The second paragraph is what got me misty-eyed, I have never entertained the notion of me as some kind of superhero so having that said about me is incredibly moving although I have to work pretty damn hard to stifle that voice that seeks to deny every wonderful thing mentioned.
I’d like to try wearing that superwoman costume more often, I might just need a reminder every now and then that I still have it.

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I think all four of us learnt something about ourselves through this experience. How about you take the leap and ask how your loved one see you, too? If this is something you'd like to do, but feel nervous or don't know how to approach it, take a look at Danielle LaPorte's Ask-a-Friend Survey, and maybe send the questions on to someone who loves you. I hope you learn to see yourself in a better light, just like we did.

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If you enjoyed this post, you can find more on:
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The Fandom Connection

Now you may have realised that I rather like Harry Potter.

In the nearly 20 years (dear lord that's basically three-quarters of my life) since I first read Harry Potter along with an entire swathe of my generation, those books and that world have become so utterly ingrained in my life and personal identity that I *LITERALLY* could not imagine the kind of person I would be now if I'd never read Harry Potter.

Who in the world would I be if I hadn't grown up wanting to be Hermione Granger (I related to her big front teeth woes like crazy & obvs the bookish obsession was a given)? Who would I be now if I hadn't spent a worrying amount of time creating a mock-up Hogwarts letter for my original character (I believe I called her Natalie Parker) who I may have written stories about or at the very least did a lot of imagining about. I am damn near certain that I still have that letter in a folder somewhere in this house. I have drawings in a sketchbook that are Harry Potter-related and you should know that I am *not* an artist and my art skills are damn near zilch. Would I have been making up stories to roleplay in the playground in primary school if I hadn't read Harry Potter? Quite possibly, I was *that* kid.

None of these expressions of fandom ever made it to the internet like happened for a lot of people in the Harry Potter fandom, I was never on the fanfiction or fan-art sites so it wasn't until I was a lot older that I really engaged with other fans outside of my real-life friendship group - believe me not many of the folk I was friends with in high school were on the same level of obsessed I was.

Weirdly it was Twilight that brought me into the online fandom experience, with my meteoric rise & fall of love for that series back in 2008. If you are in the handful of people that have known me and Jess for a long-ass time then you might have heard the cute-yet-hilarious story of how we met and became the inseparable & slightly eerie double-act we are today. But pretty much from that time I spent ignoring work at Sixth Form to spend hours on the computer trawling the Twilight Lexicon for god knows what reason, I have run to the internet to find people who love the same things I do and talk about them.

Is this scarf all now a LIE??

Harry Potter is such a normalised part of my life, a staggering portion of my clothing is from Primark with it's ever-changing array of fandom stuff to collect like a fiend, it is not a weird thing for me to mentally sort people and characters from other book series into Hogwarts houses, I will make judgements about people I meet, especially if they are of a similar age to me and HAVE NOT READ THE BOOKS, even though I suppose it's unreasonable to expect everyone in my generation to have done so. The fact that the updated Pottermore sorting quiz recently put me in Gryffindor after I identified as Ravenclaw since I was probably about 10 was enough to rock my entire sense of identity.



But thanks to this fandom I'm friends with people who also don't find any of those things I just mentioned strange! I can say to someone "I think so-and-so is such a Hufflepuff" and that has meaning even when a word processor will be side-eyeing me with red squiggles. Harry Potter has created a whole language and value system that transcends the pages that J.K. Rowling wrote and has been absorbed in the cultural mindset of my generation and God how I love that.

I know there are other fandoms which have a similar importance in other people's lives as Harry Potter has in mine and if the internet has been able to bring a fraction of the awesome friendships & life-changing experiences to those people then I am ecstatically happy for them.

We all should be able to surround ourselves with the like-minded people who share our passions and strive for the best future we can imagine ourselves being a part of and connecting to those people through fandoms is often a brilliant stepping stone to deeper & lasting relationships that will exist long after the source of your fandom ceases to supply new materials for you to obsess over.

Obviously in the case of the Harry Potter fandom, 2016 is the year we all power back up into ultimate Potterheads and lose our collective minds in the joy of NEW SHINY STORIES. I for one, will be sobbing unashamedly the entire time I'm watching the Cursed Child in August and also probably during the Fantastic Beasts film in November. How about you?

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Connection Through Snail Mail

I'm a strong believer in the importance of connection; of working on and nurturing the relationships we have. Nothing beats a face-to-face conversation; sitting down over a cuppa, catching up, and physically being there to offer a hug or a supportive squeeze of the hand. Actually being there, in person, with the people you love and who love you.

But let's face it, that's not always possible. We're busy people with busy lives, and some people might not live a bus ride away. There may be those friends from school we haven't seen since going to uni. Those friends from uni we haven't seen since moving after graduating. Friends from previous jobs we don't get to see so much of now we're working elsewhere. Seeing these people face-to-face can require not only time, but also money, and as someone who has been having some financial difficulties lately, I know it's just not always possible.

And so we rely on what we do have. We live in a fast paced, digital world where a message - whether through email, social media, or various messaging apps - can be sent within seconds. It doesn't require much thought, time or effort to send a message these days, and in my opinion, it leaves a lot to be desired. You're talking, but there's no real connection there. Maybe if you're using FaceTime of Skype. But what if you're not able to?

Laura wrote a few weeks back on her experience of not having access to the internet. What do you do then? Well, you could always make a phone call! It's not perfect, but at least you can make a connection when you're able to hear each other and discern tone and emotion. But it still relies on technology. What if you're mobile breaks, or you run out of minutes, or it gets stolen, or...? And you're one of those people who no longer has a landline, or work is being done on the telephone lines, so you can't use it anyway? No internet and no phone. How do you communicate then?

There is a way. It's relatively inexpensive, but kind of old school, so most people don't think of it anymore. Snail mail.

I'm passionate about snail mail. There's a lot to be said for handwriting someone a letter. Real connection can be made through intentionally taking the time out of your day - making time for this person - and showing them you're thinking of them by sending them a note the old fashioned way. It requires effort, it requires time, and I'm telling you, there's something magical in receiving a letter from someone knowing they set aside some time for you, that they put in the effort to write a letter, go and buy a stamp, and popping it in the postbox for you. Snail mail isn't just a way of nurting your relationships and fanning the flames of connection with the person you care about, snail mail is also a gift.

And you can also give this gift of time and effort in physical form to someone you hardly know. I also think there's something special about becoming penpals and getting to know someone through letters; building a friendship through the written word. There's an excitement to waiting for a reply, and devouring the words of this new friend with relish. And writing back - telling them more about you, answering their questions, catching them up on your life - is it's own kind of exquisite, knowing the person your letter is going to is interested, genuinely cares about what you have to say, and wants to read your words. There really is something uniquely magical about seeing and being seeing, creating that connection, through letters. It's wonderful, and it's also really beautiful.

So how about it? One day of the week, you set aside half an hour, an hour, two hours - depending on what you want to say - and handwriting a letter to someone you love. Maybe a relative - a grandparent, an aunt or uncle, a cousin? - or an old friend - someone from school, or uni, or a previous job? Need some ideas on what to write? Alexandra Franzen has a free workbook One Letter Today (scroll down just a little), with ideas on who to write to, and templates on what to say. Or perhaps you'd like to receive a letter? You might be in luck, as I'm open to letter requests from whoever wants one.

Breath life to connection one sheet of paper at a time.



-
If you enjoyed this post, you can find more on:
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Wonderful Things

It’s been a tough couple of weeks since my last post. Without going into too much detail, I’ve had a lot of stress and sadness going on in my life this past fortnight at work, with my own health, and with some flat troubles too. It’s definitely taken it’s toll and more than a few times I ended up just curling into a ball in bed and wishing that it could all end.

But I’m not writing this post today to tell you all how awful my life is, because, despite everything going on, my life is everything but awful. And so today I want to tell you about five wonderful things that have kept me going and will continue to keep me going.


Supportive, Loving, and Amazing Friends
I owe my friends so much. Without them, I am not so certain I would be where I am today, or if I’d even be here today. Whenever I’m feeling lonely or sad or stressed or down, I know that there is someone that I can turn to. Someone who will give me words of advice, someone who will remind me how wonderful I am, someone who will make me laugh and someone who will simply just be there. I cannot put into words how grateful I am to every single one of my friends for helping to make life just that little bit easier.

My Rock
Metaphorically speaking anyway. My rock is my mum. She is the best person I know. She is the one I always go to when I have a problem or just have something that I need to talk about with. She always sits with me as we talk everything through analytically and logically until we come up with the perfect solution. She literally keeps me together. And she has been incredibly helpful these past few weeks too. I really cannot imagine going through life without her.

Books
It’s no surprise to see this one on the list, right? What with me being a book blogger and a library assistant. But books are just so wonderful. They can help you feel less alone. They can make you happier, and they can keep you in touch with your emotions too. Books can also help you make decisions and are just incredible for taking your mind off of things too. Reading is also really good for the brain. So you really just can’t go wrong with a book.

Television *cough*Netflix*cough*
Netflix has been my saviour lately. When I’m in a really low mood, I find it difficult to read. But I can switch the TV or computer on and dive into one of my favourite shows or find a good film to immerse myself in. The best thing about TV is that it doesn’t take a lot of concentration but it can stop me from thinking too much about other things. If it’s gripping enough, I forget everything but what’s happening on the screen. It’s the perfect way to relax and just ignore everything else.

Letting Myself Feel Sad
Now, this may seem like an odd thing to be on the list but it needs to be here because I never used to do it. Being sad always felt like a weakness to me and I would pretty much force myself to feel better without really looking into my emotions and why I felt the way I did. But now I allow myself to wallow. I allow myself to treat myself to small things to make me feel better (like coffee) but I also just allow the tears to flow. Because it’s good to let it out. And once it is out, you can just get up and move on. Work out the next logical step with a clear and level-head. It is quite wonderful.



So those are just a few of the things that have kept me going these past few weeks. I could also add chocolate and coffee to this list, and cats, and funny videos and twitter… but then the list would just get a little out of hand.

Don't forget to also check out Jess' post, here about how she self-cares her mental health!

What wonderful things keep you going?

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No and No and No and that's OK

I seem to have to answer no to a lot of the random questions people ask. Strangers like hairdressers, people when you first meet, family I don't see often. Usually my answer to polite small talk questions is no.
"Do you work?" "No."  "So you're looking for a job?" "No."

"You married?" "Nope." "Partner?" "No."

"Any kids?" "No it's just me."

"Going on holiday this year?" "No I don't think so."

"Do you drive?" "I'm not allowed due to my disability."


"So did you see Eastenders last night?" "Nah I don't watch it."

I swear the only polite small talk questions I can answer well are the boring British weather related ones. And those "no" answers can shut down conversation.  I ask about the other person but it can feel a little one sided and maybe uncomfortable for them.

 Sometimes the questions are put in a different way and I can answer them - "What do you do?" is easier than "do you work?" because I can talk about my writing and my volunteering.  Sometimes I answer differently - "no, I'm not going on holiday but I've been having a day out a month" means we might talk about where I was and what I was doing.  "I don't have kids but I have a nephew."

But the fact of the matter is that those questions are the ones that society expects me to be able to say yes to most of.  As a woman in my 30s it's expected that I'll have a job or be looking for one, drive some form of car as opposed to a powerchair, take holidays, be in a relationship and either have kids, be planning for them soon or be definite that I don't want them.


Society doesn't really know what to do with me.  I'm very disabled, I don't have kids but don't rule it out, I don't work and couldn't manage to do so, I haven't taken a holiday since 2007 and I travel everywhere by train or not at all.  I'm very happily single and don't really want to be in a relationship.  I don't even watch Eastenders!


It almost feels sometimes that those negative answers define me more then who I am.

 My friends and family accept and love me for that and I wouldn't change myself.  That doesn't mean it's always easy or comfortable polite small talk and quick encounters don't always give time to share who I am and make the positive impression I'd like.  I worry that those strangers see my disability and not the girl in the chair.

As I've gotten older I've gotten much happier about that situation.  It is what it is and I am what I am.  If people only want to ask those questions, judge me by those nos and not take the time to get to know me they aren't worth my worrying about (although I can't always help it).

I'm someone whose always going to have to answer no to the questions society expects. And that's OK.

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Making Friends When Socially Anxious

If I was to count the number of friends I have, and treat it seriously, I would not get past one. Of course, I have work colleagues I get one with, people from the YA community who I love chatting to, and friends of the family who I think of warmly. But when it comes to real friends - the kind that are there for you no matter what; who you can talk to all the time about absolutely anything; who know you inside out and back to front, all your flaws, and love you anyway; who you can confide in and be silly with and go to for assurance when you're having a wobble - of those kind of friends, I have one. My best friend. And he lives in Belfast, while I live in London.

This hasn't been a problem for me. I've not felt lonely or like something is lacking from my life. I have a very close family, and we spend a lot of time together, and they've come to be friends, too. But at the end of last year, I came to realise that I don't really have a great social life. With a lack of more friends, perhaps I'm missing out on...something. Fun, sure - nights out, lunch dates, catching up over coffee - but also something more. People help you grow, right? They challenge you and educate you and give you a different perspect. My best mate does a fantastic job at this, but maybe I could do with a few more people in my life? And experience more things because of those people?

I decided that I was going to make an effort to try and make more friends this year. For those of you who don't know, #DrinkYA is one of many social events for those in that YA communinity - readers, bloggers, authors, publishing people - to get together and just hang out, chat, and have a drink, organised by the brilliant Jim. I went to my first #DrinkYA event in January, hoping to meet new people, have fun talking about books, and hopefully make some friends in the process.

I have always been quite shy. As a child, I was painfully shy; I remember once hiding in the bathroom when family were visiting my Nan, because I didn't know them well, and I got very nervous and didn't want to talk to them. It's got better as I've got older, university and work have helped, but I still find talking to people I don't know difficult. It's not something that comes easy to me, and I have to work at it. "Don't use small talk. Say something interesting, Stop feeling so nervous. Compliment them, maybe. Look them in the eye. Listen to what they're actually saying." To some I might seem stand-offish and rude, but I'm not, I'm just shy.

But I didn't realise just how socially anxious I was until #DrinkYA. (I'm not talking about Social Anxiety Disorder here, but social anxiety. The latter can lead into the former, but it's not a mental illness.) I went to the event feeling a little nervous, but generally pretty excited. Until I got there and realised in a group of around 30 people, there were only two I knew. It was overwhelming, and I became so uncomfortable. From my intro post, you might think I was a strong person who is happy in her skin and with who she is, and doesn't really care what other people think. And for the most part, I am. But at #DrinkYA, I crumbled.

Jim did introduce me to a number of people, and everyone was lovely. But I struggled with finding things to say. I let them lead the conversation and followed them, asking questions, trying to say interesting things, but I was like a rabbit in the headlights. I felt like I was being humoured, like they were taking pity on me, but weren't really interested. It's hard to describe how I felt. There were all these people, and they were going to judge me and find me lacking, and I just wanted to escape. So I wouldn't have to talk, so I wouldn't have to be judged. It was also hard because everyone else seemed to know each other from other social or bookish events, which I can't always attend because of work, and I was there on the sidelines. So not only was I struggling to talk to people I didn't know, I also felt like an outsider. I even went to the toilet at one point, just to get away from everyone. For a little bit of peace, a little bit of quiet. With my head in my hands, feeling like an idiot. Eventually, I pasted on a smile and went back up, but it was just as bad. As I said, everyone was lovely - I wasn't being judged, I wasn't being pitied, these people were there to hang out and chat just like me. But that's how my social anxiety made me feel, and it was unbearable. I lasted two hours before leaving, making my way home on the bus, feeling like a failure. How was I supposed to make friends, when I can't even handle meeting new people?

A few days after, I had a talk with myself. I wasn't a failure. So big groups are obviously not for me, I can't handle being around so many people I don't know. But smaller groups? I can do that. I organised a get-together with a few people over coffee, and although that was a little awkward at times, I was fine. An old friend from way back got in touch asking to meet up this year, and we had a drink together one night, getting to know each other again and reliving old times. It was a great night! And I went to a gallery with a blogger from the US who is studying here for a few months. Fewer people, but a step in the right direction.

I still have just the one friend, but we're only in the third month of the year. There's time. And I'm hoping that seeing more people at events and organising get-togethers will help me get there. There are several people I know that I would so love to be friends with. People who are so smart, who are just so cool and inspiring, who just seem like so much fun. But it's not really the done thing to go up to people and say, "Hey, I think you're awesome. Please be my friend?" Needy and creepy, much? But I'm sure I'll get there.

And if you see me at an event in the future, and I'm kind of quiet or on my own or not saying very much, please don't feel badly of me. I'm not being rude, I don't think I'm better than you, nor am I not interested. I'm just shy, and I'm probably feeling nervous about talking to you, and maybe struggling for something to say. If you know me online, and want to, please do come over and say hi. You've no idea how much that would mean to me when I'm struggling, how much it would help.



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If you enjoyed this post, you can find more on:
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What Makes Me, Me - Faye

One of the things I struggle with most is defining who I am, so when I was asked to write this post, I froze a little. How does one actually explain what makes them, them, when they don’t know the answer. And honestly, I don’t know what makes me, me. It’s one of the reasons that I wanted to join this team, so that I can start to explore exactly who I am. This is what they call an identity crisis. And it is something that I have really been struggling with lately as I have been staring down the barrel of the gun that is “my future”. I’m twenty-five, working in a job that I both love and hate, and trying to only apply to jobs that I would love to do and would be good at. But as it stands, I don’t think I even know what that is. At this point in my life, I feel like I’m only adequate at everything I do and excel at nothing. And trying to apply for jobs when that’s your mental state is not exactly the easiest thing to do.

But that is all just the icing on the cake. Is my future, my skills and my abilities all that define me? Definitely not. In fact, the hardest part about understanding what makes me, me, is in defining what that actually means. But when I go to answer the question, I almost always jump to those things. I’m a blogger, a writer, a graphic designer, a library assistant, a reader. These are parts of me, but they don’t exactly wholly define me. And just upon looking at those things, it shows that I’m a little all over the place - or is that just how I see it? And thus today, for this blog post at least, I want to move a little further past these things, and dive a bit deeper into who I am.

So to start, I want to give a little bit more about my personality. From the above, I’m sure you can probably already tell that I struggle a little with confidence - something which I will be touching upon further on this blog - but that’s just a small part of me. I’m also an introvert - and proud. I’ve had a lot of trouble over the years with this as it seems that very few people understand what it actually means. A lot of people see the definition as a way of saying that you’re anti-social and prefer to spend life cooped up and alone. And while I do enjoy my own company and could quite happily do a lot of things on my own, I do also very much enjoy socialising. I love spending time with my friends, laughing and just having meaningful and wonderful conversations. Being an introvert doesn’t mean I hate people (well, I mean, not completely), it just means that I cannot be around people all the time. It means that my energy gets sapped completely if I’m in a room full of people for too long. It means that a long day is made longer if I get no alone time and it means I can become quiet and distant if it all gets too much for me. This is also something I want to explore further, but best to move on before this post gets too long.

Another part of my personality is that I have hyper-moments. Usually this occurs when I’m over-tired or had a little too much sugar. But it usually ends up with me being really silly, joking around, making funny noises or dancing or jumping about. It means that for a short while at least, my brain gets shut off and I end up saying things like “I have no idea why I said that”. It’s a part of me that I both love and hate because it feels freeing but I often end up feeling embarrassed and anxious after it all happens. But if it happens around you, it may also mean that I feel comfortable enough in your company that you won’t judge me. I’m also a bit of a hypocrit in this state. Because for all my hyper-moments, I’m wanting the world to look at me, to see me and then, as soon as it does, I wish it didn’t.

And that is something I well and truly struggle with about my personality. I crave to be invisible and seen all at the same time. Invisible because then I only have myself to worry about. Seen because I don’t want to feel truly alone. The power of the double-edged sword.

Along with all the above, I also like being funny. Causing others to laugh is something I love to do. Especially if that laughter comes at a time when they’re feeling down. Caring comes strongly into this and I do care deeply for other people. I worry for the world sometimes and wish that I could fix every problem that my friends go through. But I also struggle to let people in. Yes, I would do anything to help a stranger feel better but it takes a lot for that stranger to finally knock down the wall surrounding my heart. Though, I am not very good at telling people they’ve made it past the foundations. But it also means that if, once on the inside, my trust is broken, I find it very difficult, if not near impossible, to let those people break the wall again. Sometimes they can climb over the top to see in but won’t be able to actually clamber over.

But all of the above on my personality, still hasn’t really touched upon what really makes me, me, does it? Sure you know some things about me, probably even some things that you didn’t know before, but does it really paint a good picture on who I am? Does it tell you that I can get crippling depression? Does it tell you that sometimes I have to deal with my serious anxiety issues? Does it explain that I worry about my health so much that I’m probably causing it to decline before my very eyes? Answering the question of who I am, and what makes me that way is difficult. But the reason it’s so difficult is simply because I am a human being. I am complex and unique. So in my struggle to answer this question, I can at least attest to feeling less alone because I know that I am more than likely not the only one who has or is struggling with it too.

So to end this post, I want to say that what makes me, me, is every single aspect of my life. My experiences, my skills, my hobbies, my jobs, my friends, my idiosyncrasies. I am who I am because of everything.

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What Makes Me, Me - Emma

I've been sort of putting off writing this.  I did make a start but I decided it was rubbish and deleted it.  That seems to be a bit of a writing habit for me when I write things other than my own blog. And I've been thinking I should make another attempt but not doing it. I've always been a bit lacking in motivation - great at ideas and not so great at the follow through.  It's one character trait of mine that I really don't like.  I'd blame it on my mental health (depression/anxiety) but I'm not sure that's right.  I have had mental health problems for so long though it's sometimes hard to remember a time before. Who was that Emma? I'm no longer sure.

If this was an intro post I'd probably have it done in a few minutes. Telling you what I do and what I like is easy. Writing about who I am and what it is that makes me that person is harder.

Part of the problem is my wheelchair.

My wheelchair is not a problem to me.  It's not a problem to my family and rarely to my friends.  It does often seem like my wheelchair is problem to the rest of the world though.

I'm life long disabled and have never known any different. Using a wheelchair is just part of who I am. I have two of them, a manual chair for use in the house and a powerchair for out and about. I love them, particularly my powerchair.  They give me my independence, allow me to do things I wouldn't be able to otherwise and my powerchair at least is my freedom wrapped up in a very expensive series of metal, motors, batteries and tyres.

But I'm more than the wheels I move on.  Unfortunately all too often it feels like that's all everyone sees.  It can be a good thing - I do voluntary work for my local Citizens Advice Bureau and people often come back and don't know who they've seen before. When they say "it was the girl in the wheelchair" everyone knows it was me.  When I'm in Sainsburys and someone says "I don't like to see people in wheelchair's struggling" (whilst completely missing my lack of struggle) it's horrible.  Not only can it make me feel like nothing at all, it can cause me problems - recently someone grabbed my basket off me at the checkout to "help" and as they lent over me they knocked the joystick that controls my chair and I crashed into the checkout, banging my leg.

Sometimes I'm accused of having an attitude problem or being ungrateful - often when I've tried to refuse help I didn't need or want. Sometimes it's true, sometimes it's not. Sometimes I just don't know.

I spend too much time online - it's a safe place where the accessibility issues that can plague me in the real world don't exist - and am usually tired.  I lose myself in books but wish more had characters like me.  I'm a daughter, sister and new aunt and I have good friends.  But I'm often lonely as few of my friends live near me.

And right now it's the night before this post is due to go live. For the last several days the draft of this post ended with a comment about how exposed writing this made me feel and it does.  I've been reading the other's posts about what makes them who they are and feeling a bit like I don't deserve to be writing here. Maybe I don't fit in. Maybe I shouldn't have volunteered to write here.

But then  tonight things changed.

When I was at secondary school (I went to an all girls one) I was one of a group of five friends. As individuals we maybe didn't have a lot in common but as a group we worked.  We were close and I have so many memories of laughter and things we did and places we went and in jokes and teenage silliness and spats.  Feeling like I don't fit in is something I've struggled with for my whole life but with those girls I fitted.

Then we left school and we mostly lost touch. Oh there's the odd facebook message and I still live near a couple of them.  I'll see them in town occasionally and we'll say hi, maybe stop to chat a little. But our group is no more and we're not close.

A couple of hours ago I got home and found out that one of them killed herself today.  I've lost one of the people who during my teenage years played a large role in what makes me who I am. I I'm numb and I'm swearing a lot and I don't know what to say or really how I feel.

I'm not naive enough to think that something I could have done or said could have saved my friend - I've blogged before about how mental health needs more than talking about. Talking can only take you so far.

 But when I was first struggling with my mental health I felt so alone. And knowing I wasn't the only one would have helped me accept help so much sooner than I did.  If I can share here and perhaps stop someone feeling as alone as I did then, or give them a place where they fit, like my friend did for me that's what I'll do.

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What Makes Me, Me - Jo

When Jess first asked us to write this introductory post, my mind went blank. If I had to write about Who Am I, it would have been much easier. I could talk about how I’m devoted to my friends and family; how I don’t take myself too seriously and will happily make a fool of myself for a laugh; how I am the kind of person who finds the most ridiculous, unfunny jokes absolutely hilarious; how I’m an avid reader of YA and fantasy; how I’m a writer, a dreamer, an optimist who is always full of hope. But that’s all kind of surface stuff, and doesn’t go very deep. What Makes Me, Me, though - that digs a whole lot deeper.

If you were to look at me, you would see a young redhead, probably in her late teens, who is very slim. You would probably make some unconscious judgements on me based on my slim frame. Like others, you might think I’m anorexic, or that I’m obsessed with being skinny and on some ridiculous diet.

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