Showing posts with label panic attack. Show all posts
Showing posts with label panic attack. Show all posts

Saturday, 5 November 2016

Phantom Phobias

Living in the UK, Halloween has never really been a big deal to me. I was quite a sheltered child, and I didn’t have a lot of friends when I was little. So trick or treating was never really something that excited me, or something I ever considered doing? I never liked to play dress up as a kid either. I didn’t have a huge imagination; the most I ever got to pretending was picking out a life from the Argos catalogue or playing schools with my siblings. 

And then Halloween just got annoying for me; kids ringing the doorbell all night, my dog barking, eggs being thrown about…. I never associated it with fun.


At some point in my life, I developed a phobia of people in costumes. It got to the point where once I was leaving the supermarket and someone was standing by the door (collecting for charity i think?) in a bear costume, and I physically could not walk out the door.

It’s become less of a problem in recently years. Maybe because I acknowledge it more and just avoid those situations? Generally those people are in the street, and if I don’t look and just keep walking, I’m mostly fine. It reared its head at YALC this year though. For those of you who don’t know, YALC is the YA Literature Convention and it takes place at London Film and Comic Con. Where, of course, people love to dress up as their favourite film or comic characters. In costume. In the whole building. 

And I was already tense at the thought, but I told myself it would be fine. I was just walking along the corridor with a friend and some people in costume were standing nearby having a conversation, and i just turned away and kept walking, and then one of them came up behind me and BREATHED IN MY HAIR. 

Before we even approach how creepy this is anyway (just because he’s wearing a mask he is suddenly allowed to invade my personal space?) but there was no reason for him to do so. I hadn’t made eye contact, it wasn’t someone I knew, or anything. Cue massive panic attack in the floor of the arena.

So for me, Halloween is a time of stress. Yay, people in costume everywhere. Yay for living in London where there are literally people, everywhere. I guess kids bother me to a lesser degree, but its still an issue. 


My ideal Halloween involves locking myself indoors and not having to deal with any surprises. Luckily I live in a flat, where the chance of getting trick or treaters are pretty slim, so I don’t even have to deal with the guilt of that. But if you do encounter me at Halloween, don’t be surprised if I run away. And, for the love of god, do not sneak up on me with your mask.


 photo safe space bio_zps8jlgrcn3.png

Sunday, 2 October 2016

Work Work Work Work Werk

I HAVE A JOB, EVERYONE.

The job I spoke about at Clinton’s…the one they said ‘it’s not a no, it’s an I don’t know’ never got back to me again. BOOOOOOO.

BUT last week I got an email from one of my old managers at Waterstones asking if I would be willing to come in for an interview and GUYS, GUESS WHAT?! 

I’M A BOOKSELLER AGAIN AND I COULD NOT BE HAPPIER BECAUSE I LOVE BEING A BOOKSELLER MORE THAN EVERYTHING ELSE IN LIFE, EVEN CAKE.


And I wanted to be a really annoying, mother type figure today and give some tough love advice. If you have anxiety or agoraphobia and you don’t have a job. GET ONE.
Seriously.

Yes you will be shit scared but oh my god how AMAZING you feel when you get a job. You immediately have a greater sense of self-worth, you get to meet new people and make new friends, you learn to manage your anxiety but you also are DOING something which means you don’t have time to think about your anxiety.

I was petrified to go into work on Thursday because the last time I was on the train I had a panic attack. YAY. So I was shaking with nerves before I’d even left the house. Thankfully one of my gorgeous friends was a legend and rang me for twenty minutes whilst I waited for the train and got onto it and kept me distracted for part of the journey. And then I was on my own.

I got off the train, I went to Sainsbury’s to buy my lunch, I walked to the shop and then I started my first day back at Waterstones (I worked there for just under a year before) and MY ANXIETY WAS OK. I DID NOT DIE.



And that’s what I’m relearning…it is ALL in my head. The only reason I get anxious is because I overanalyse and worry about things that haven’t even happened. The reality is vastly different. Yes, I’ve had a few wobbly moments but they’ve passed quickly.

And in just TWO days of being back at work my confidence has grown so much.

On Thursday a man said I was wonderful, that because he now knew I worked in the shop he’d definitely be back. BE STILL MY BEATING HEART.

I helped a couple find the perfect book for their four year old grandchild on Friday and they were so thankful my heart melted a little bit.

I met a tiny dog called Daisy who barked the shop down but she was cute AF. (I nearly stole her)

Basically my life is amazing because I have a job again. I have a reason to get up every day, I get to meet so many new people every day, I get to earn money every day. I get paid to sell books. Basically could I be any luckier?!

All I want to say is: get a job. Stop with the excuses because that’s what I hid behind for so long. You CAN do it, OK? I promise you that you can. Try it, give it a go and see how much you will amaze yourself. I know it’s easy for someone to say that but I KNOW what it’s like to be at rock bottom and I know how hard it can be to get to the top again but I promise that finding something to do, even volunteering, will make a huge difference to your mental health.



Many employers are also very understanding now about mental health and you are protected under the Equality Act so you are entitled to reasonable adjustments to your workplace or work times for example if you struggle to commute during rush hour or you find that you work better in a room with a window, you prefer working from home, or you need time off for doctors appointments etc.

SO please, give it a go.

Pretty pleaaaaaaase.

Be brave xx


*mum mode disactivated*