Wednesday 16 November 2016

Old versus the Present

Let me set a scene for you:

It’s raining. Drizzling. My favourite. I’m walking home from town. It’s getting dark. I’ve got my hood up, headphones in my ears, music pumping around my head. I start to hum the tune of the songs, moving into singing whilst walking. I’ve got a definite spring in my step, walking tall and proud. I can’t feel the spotlight of the headlights of cars stuck in traffic on the road beside me, the people inside.

Old me would have been embarrassed that I had let some words slip out of my mouth whilst walking around in public. I would have been acting very British about it all; not enjoying rain at all, hating the miserable drizzle with a passion, pissed off my hair was getting damp and that people were staring at me, because it was unusual to see someone out in the dark, walking of all things.

Current me, this version of me; was enjoying the dampness of the air, the rain on my glasses, how good the music sounded in my ears, how much I had missed enjoying music. I was revelling in the fact that I was actually outside and feeling good about myself. I had even forgotten about my ostomy bag because it wasn’t tugging uncomfortably against my skin. I was enjoying myself, my life, in that moment.

Because, really, that’s all we get. Moments.

I have decided that I am going to enjoy the moments I get given because without warning they can be taken away from you. Either by yourself or something outside of your control. And all you can do is go along with them and roll with the punches. Find some laughs and enjoy those things you hold dear to you.

I am aware that this sounds very much like something you would say once you’d had a near death experience and I was by no means near dying when I was last in hospital in the summer but it is a reminder that bad things can happen and sadly you have to just survive them. It is instinct to fight for your life. I will fight for my life right now. I am happy and healthy. I am enjoying that, for the first time in forever! It has the potential, the possibility, to not last too long.

I say that not because I am expecting things to go wrong or to turn bad, but the past has left me a certain amount of scepticism around having had my fair share of crappy setbacks. 2016 has been one long battle with setbacks – one after a-bloody-nother – and finally we are seeing some clearing through the shitty trees. So, I continue forward, out of the forest of despair and pain, into the fields of hope and enjoyment.

New Louise, who is she huh?

Well, why don’t we find out? Let’s see if that diseased colon was really just holding her back. Let’s see what I can now do.

I’m ready.


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No judgment, no hate, because it is already tough enough being a girl.