What Makes Me, Me - Lily

When Jess asked me to write about What Makes Me, Me, I had a bit of a crisis. I sat there in my room just thinking, ‘Oh god, who even am I?’ I couldn’t decide which route to take, to just jump straight in at the deep end or to try and keep it light-hearted for my first post. It took a while and some serious personal reflection but I think I’ve got all the major points down and hit somewhat of a balance.

I am a girl who was incredibly close to her mum. She was my best friend, the person I could always rely on to embrace my short haircuts and my weird obsessions and never make fun of me for it. And I am a girl who has spent the last of her teen years trying to come to terms with my mum’s lost battle with cancer. The grief I carry with me every day is a massive part of who I am and influences how I react to just about everything. It’s something that hung a massive cloud over me last year, and is something I’m still trying to process and work through five years on.

Anxiety is also a massive part of my life. I’ve always been an anxious person – as far back as I can remember I would worry about everything, terrified of rollercoasters or anything that was remotely risky. A big part of my anxiety is triggered by the fact I’m also a hypochondriac, and my thoughts automatically go to the worst possible outcome. I’ve spent the last year trying to get my panic attacks under control, which I am happy to say has been fairly successful so far.

I’m also a massive introvert. I find big social events very tiring and can only stand being around people for so long before I have to retreat back to the cave (otherwise known as my room) and recover for a day or two. I didn’t realise this until a couple of years ago and it suddenly made everything in my life make sense! Not that I hate people – on the contrary, I adore spending time with my friends. But eventually, no matter how close we are, I will feel drained and need some time away to recharge.

I am someone who is extremely cynical and struggles with intimate relationships. I’ve managed to get to the age of 20 without a single romantic relationship to my name. Not that I haven’t been asked – just when the opportunity has arisen I’ve turned around and ran in the other direction. There are many reasons for this – commitment issues, cynicism about relationships in general. But one I’ve realised more recently is that I just didn’t know what I wanted in a partner, but it definitely wasn’t what society was telling me I should want.

There are other, less serious things of course that make up who I am: I am a massive fan of a lot of chocolate, pizza, ice cream, sugary foods in general. I am a massive outdoors person and feel most comfortable in the woods. I am an animal lover who loves horses and regularly shares dog videos on my Facebook timeline. I have a ridiculously short attention span meaning I hardly ever can sit down to watch tv shows or movies without getting distracted. I love history and it’s what I’m going to study at University come September. I’m a massive fan of musicals (#yayhamlet) and have seen Les Miserables three times on the West End. London is my favourite city in the world and I am so proud to call it my home. I love to travel and feel very blessed to have done so in the last few years. I have friends who live all over the globe who’ve enriched my life and I am so lucky to have them.

I’m sure there are things about myself I have missed or haven’t even realised about myself yet. I know there are so many things still shaping me, and that some of these things may not even apply to me in a year or so. But for today, these are the things that make me, me.